A Woman's Guide to Men, Part I: Male Sexuality

Since the beginning of time, women have struggled to understand men. Men have never really understood women either, but like dogs, if you take us for an occasional walk (sex), we're pretty content.

To take advantage of my vast knowledge in the area of what makes men tick (sex), I have been commissioned by a major publisher (At this time, I am not at liberty to divulge the identity of the publisher, but believe me, you'll be pretty damn impressed) to produce a multiple part series (At this time, I am not at liberty to divulge how many parts there will be to the series-we'll see what I come up with) titled A Woman's Guide to Men.

Part One of this series focuses on Male Sexuality and in it I will attempt to help you ladies out there better understand why we men are obsessed with inserting things into other things, and why those things are usually penises and those other things are usually vaginas.

So make yourself a pitcher of Margaritas and sit back and relax as I will tell you everything you ever wanted to know about men and sex. Believe me, by the time we are through with this, you will be so grateful, you'll want to thank me personally (I will be including my address at the end of this article).

What's On His Mind?

The number one complaint most women have about men is that we are not open books. We keep things inside. Ladies, the next time you are sitting there looking over at your husband and wondering what the hell he is thinking, don't waste your time. Studies have shown that approximately 100% of men think about sex 100% of the time (Note: This study has a margin of error of 0%).

What Men Like

Women wonder what specifically it is about females that turn men on. The truth is every man has his own preferences-some are leg men, some are breast men, and some love the shape of a woman's bottom. But when you get down to it, the things that matter most to men are high intelligence and a good personality. Men feel that looks only go so far, but a smart woman with a good sense of humor and a sparkling personality is... I can't do it. I tried but I just can't do it. Men love chicks with long, sexy legs, enormous tits and heart-shaped asses.

Men and Cuddling

Studies have shown that women consider cuddling the most important part of an intimate relationship. You crave the sense of caring and protection cuddling provides after enjoying sex with the man you love. However, you may be surprised to learn that men enjoy cuddling as well. That is because we believe it increases our chances of getting a little somethin'-somethin' again tomorrow night. We consider it a few minutes of pain in exchange for a few minutes of pleasure.

What Men Know About the Female Orgasm

Many women lay back at night staring up at the ceiling as the hubby falls into a deep coma completely satisfied because he just got his rocks off. Sure, fatty had "the big O"-he ALWAYS does-but you're still waiting for yours. Men are simple-a little friction and we are on our way. You ladies, however, are complex organisms requiring a lot of time and effort on the part of your partner. Unfortunately, he's usually snoring before you've even gotten your panties completely off. What can you do? Not a damn thing ladies. Not a damn thing.

Men and the Mysterious Vagina

For many men, the vagina is a mystery. There are more nooks and crannies than an English muffin and well, to be truthful, some men are just frightened by the damn thing. To them, it is a place that should be felt, not seen. They like vaginas-they really do-just can't figure the damn things out. They know there is something somewhere in there that, if properly aroused, can give you much pleasure, but they just don't have a clue where it is and what to do with it if they find it. Unfortunately, these men are lost causes and if you ever have any hope of finding someone who will really treat your vagina as more than just a temporary receptacle, find yourself a lesbian. Then call me.

The Paradox of Multiple Orgasms

It is Nature's cruel little trick that the gender requiring the most time and energy in order to reach The Promised Land is capable of having multiple orgasms while the gender that can get there while watching Dancing With The Stars is immediately out of commission. Ladies, this pisses men off. I mean WTF? And what's worse is that the older we get the longer the down time.

More Cruelty from Nature

Many of you ladies long for the days when your young, virile husband was capable of delivering the goods multiple times per night. This meant more time for you to actually find a little enjoyment in the whole exercise, but now the love of your life is no longer able to raise the Titanic more than once a week. That is because males reach their sexual peaks around the time they are studying for their SATs. Women, on the other hand, don't peak until their late 30s. The only answer, of course, is to seduce your best friend's teenage son, which could be a lot of fun for you, but could also make you wonder why your own son is always helping the widow next door rearrange her furniture. So really you're better off with just being a good girl and accepting the fact that you will never even remotely enjoy sex again.

Men and Lipstick Lesbians

Men have an odd attraction to the whole lesbian thing-especially when it involves the kind of lesbians that don't actually exist. We love the idea of beautiful chicks getting it on together and that baffles most women. I myself have studied this phenomenon for a number of years and believe I have found the answer: Men are a bunch of horny, sick animals.

I could probably go on-and-on with more information for you ladies about how men feel about sex, but quite frankly there are some things that we'd like to keep to ourselves-like why we talk in muffled tones when we get that late night phone call from "work."

Keep your eyes open for the next installment of A Woman's Guide to Men when I'll teach you some other stuff you didn't know about us guys.