Abby Redux

Dear Abby Redux,
I'm told that life is hard, I'm owed nothing, I have to work for a living, things won't always go my way, and I may actually have to make my own house payments. Is this still America?
Signed,
Numbed By Entitlement

Dear Numbed By Entitlement,
Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
All my life, I've played by the rules. But in the last 200 days, I've lost my job, my investments, my home, my car, my credit, and my wife left me for another woman. At this point, I'm seriously thinking about moving to Mexico and then sneaking back in.
Signed,
On The Edge

Dear On The Edge,
Look on the bright side. At least the government still has your health.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Is it just me, or does it seem like terrorist attacks by religious radicals are on the rise?
Signed,
Minimally Observant

Dear Minimally Observant,
Shame on you. Simply because 100% of recent terrorist attacks have been initiated by religious radicals, you stretch logic by assuming any kind of spurious pattern. That would be like saying that a bank was robbed by 4 guys wearing clown masks, the robbers were seen leaving the scene in a brown Ford Bronco, and then an overly reactive local police force put out an All Points Bulletin for 4 clowns in a brown Ford Bronco. I mean, really.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I can't believe Sparkle was thrown off the "Survivor" island!
Signed,
Dismayed

Dear Dismayed,
I'm guessing you're the type of person who pays good money for two phone lines, just so you can vote twice during "American Idol." I would say "get a life" but I'm afraid you'd think it's some sort of self-help diet, or a new version of Windows.

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Dear Abby Redux,
After President Bush signed the law that created Hurricane Katrina, I found myself with no home and no television. I moved into a cardboard box on the Louisiana coast and managed to eke out a living selling shrimp to a shifty-looking franchiser named Captain D. Yesterday, President Obama showed up on our beach and walked around in his shirt-sleeves, nodding knowingly. Then a nondescript bus showed up, 200 BP employees surrounded the President, and they all performed some kind of weird interpretive dance. Anything going on in the news I should know about?
Signed,
Percy Walker

Dear Percy Walker,
Not to worry. BP is currently performing a non-invasive deep-sea experiment, involving hemisphere-wide baths of potentially toxic chemicals in amounts that would kill a Klingon. BP's plan, assuming they ever actually get one, will result in mutant shrimp the size of a Neville Brothers' family reunion guest list, not to mention a very nice 3rd Quarter dividend for BP investors. Though it's hardly worth mentioning, there is a slight chance that these next-generation shrimp will be self-aware, heavily (and literally) armed, and have an in-your-face, anti-human attitude. Not to worry.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm a soon-to-retire Home Economics teacher, and I'm not really familiar with new technology. My students keep talking about something called a "Facebook." What is a Facebook?
Signed,
Luddite

Dear Luddite,
Facebook is a digital diuretic. It's a social media website on the internet (still with me, sweetie?) where people go to share intimate details with friends they never met. On Facebook, you can keep up with captivating information, like this little time-lapse sample:

* Joey has 2 work today. Ugh.
* Joey is about to leave for werk. RU?
* Joey is leaving 4 work.
* Joey is on the way 2 work.
* Joey is almost @ work lol.
* Joey is at wurk.
* Joey hates work roflmao.
* Bitsy likes this.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm a happily married, non-medicated, employed, Christian adult male, with pleasant children, a fondness for reading, no criminal record and no outstanding debt. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Sleeps Well At Night

Dear Sleeps Well At Night,
Big yawn. Haven't you heard? Neurotically dysfunctional is the new black. I suppose you also volunteer, donate to charities, and believe in personal responsibility. These days, normal is, well, abnormal. Step up and self-loathe! Go get you some issues, man!

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Dear Abby Redux,
What's with all this Right-Wing Conspiracy hate speech about President Obama tampering with elections? That can't be true, can it? I mean, look at that profile! And have you ever seen him nod knowingly?
Signed,
Crushed

Dear Crushed,
All is well. Before Obama was even born, George Bush dressed up like Rahm Emmanuel and instructed the ghost of Millard Fillmore to talk Joe Sestak out of running for the Senate. In return, Sestak was promised Arlen Specter's loyalty, which clearly is an object with no intrinsic value.

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Dearest Abby Redux,
I am the prince of a smalling African nation, whose father was imposed in a more-or-less bloodless coupe, leaving me in charge of 28 millions of America's dollars sterling. I am unstructed by my finances advisory to place this funds in your personal bank of account, if you will only but to have leaving me your email address, and a valid card of credit number, replete with your secreted Personal PIN Identity Numbering. Largely do I look forward to our hearing from you at or near your earliest incontinence.
Signed,
An Anomalous Friend

Dear An Anomalous Friend,
Can't help ya, chum. I bought into that whole "government health care will save you money" scam, so, for the moment, I'm all suckered out.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Maybe it's just me, but it sure seems like we lost something valuable when we stopped caring for each other. After all, the best things in life ... aren't things.
Signed,
Wistful

Dear Wistful,
My staff and I, your family and friends, and everybody reading this, all look forward to your leap into the current century. Catch up, putz.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I wrote a book, and my Mom wants to buy a copy, but she won't let me give her a discount. She insists on paying full price.
Signed,
Guilty Conscience

Dear Guilty Conscience,
Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
My son wrote a book, and he expects me to pay full retail for it. After everything I've done for him!
Signed,
Maternal Guilt-Slinger

Dear Maternal Guilt-Slinger,
Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm thoroughly insulted by those jack-booted thugs in Arizona who want to insist that illegal immigrants have immigrated illegally. And I'm putting my money where my mouth is. I'm boycotting everything Arizona-related, including cactus, retired people, that "Raising Arizona" movie, and Arizona Iced Tea. You with me?
Signed,
Outraged

Dear Outraged,
Arizona Iced Tea is made in New York state, you gullible knee-jerk knucklehead. You really should meet my friend, the African prince. What's your personally email?

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Dear Abby Redux,
My husband is the former President of a certain country which, for understandable reasons of anonymity, I'll withhold. I recently came into possession of candid photographs, catching him yet again in a compromising position with a certain self-help columnist who publishes under the byline "Dear Abby Redux." Would you care to make a financial contribution to my next Presidential campaign?
Signed,
Secretary Of Something

Dear Secretary Of Something,
That all depends on what the meaning of "here my check is" is.