Abby Redux II

Dear Abby Redux,
Do you think White House spokesman Robert Gibbs realizes how many times he says "obviously" during a press conference?
Signed,
Obviously Works From Home

Dear Obviously,
Obviously not.

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Dear Abby Redux,
According to my coach, I have to take a philosophy class. According to a book I'm almost reading: "This skepticism about natural causation arose as part of the rejection of the Aristotelian understanding of causation, and finds its logical terminus in Hume's contention that causes and effects are really just events that we observe to be constantly conjoined."
According to my exam paper: "Please discuss."
Signed,
According To How To Write A Business Letter

Dear Future Vice President,
Please discuss? Well, duh. Sounds to me like the first documented historical case of "it's all George Bush's fault." And don't you hate it when skeptics find their logical terminus?

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm the Senate Majority Leader of a fairly popular North American country, and I'm afraid I may lose my bid for re-election. I'm a career politician, and don't know what I would do if I had to get a real job. What do you advise?
Signed,
Hairy Screed

Dear Fossil,
Shut up. "Career" and "politician" should never be used in the same sentence. However, the way you guys have been handling things lately, "politician" and "sentence" are a perfect fit.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Loved your column last week. I'm a religious leader who's thinking of starting an advice column of my own, and calling it "Rabbi Redux." Your thoughts?
Signed,
Father Colin del Taco Mgobo Itzhak O'Casey Berkowitz

Dear Hillary's Campaign Manager,
That's the stupidest name for an advice column title I ever heard.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I write a humor column, and recently a lady took me to task for referring to brown pelicans and Helen Thomas as mammals. The lady took the time to point out that pelicans are not mammals. Should I stop writing?
Signed,
Clueless Joe Jackson

Dear Clueless,
That's okay. It's true that pelicans are not mammals. But neither is Helen Thomas.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I just took an email test that ended with "think of a color and a tool." Apparently, 98% of people will think of "red hammer." I immediately thought of "white can-opener." I don't even want to consider the therapeutic repercussions.
Signed,
Marginal

Dear Marginal,
You need to butch up. I got two words for you: NAS CAR.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Why did the non-causal Aristotelian neorationalist cross the road?
Signed,
Anomimus

Dear Anomimus,
Because he is atavistically self-empowered at a fundoscopic level by an archetypal patristic oneness. To be fair, I just made that up. But, to be equally fair, when you learn how to spell "anonymous," sue me.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Your earlier comment about "atavistic self-empowerment at a fundoscopic level" almost sounded dirty!
Signed,
Tee Hee

Dear Future Fox News Host,
Whaddya mean, "almost?"

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Dear Abby Redux,
According to a diet expert, I should "eat breakfast like a King, lunch like a Prince, and dinner like a Pauper." I'm confused. What do I do?
Signed,
Rarely Happy

Dear Rarely Happy,
In the morning, invade a country. At noon, release an album called "Purple Rain." And in the evening, vote for a Democrat. Okay, obviously, I'm kidding. Don't vote for a Democrat.

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Dear Abby Redux,
In important respects, Damasio's thesis is more a realization than a refutation of the Cartesian program. If I reject neoPlatonics, will I be too big to fail?
Signed,
Gender-Confused Dual Major Coed Who Regularly Wears "Ayn Rand For Commissar" Buttons

Dear Please Shut Up,
Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I just read someone's earlier comment about the possible non-existence of Aristotelian causality. That is UNREAL!
Signed,
No College Classes Before Noon

Dear Future BP CEO,
Your comment is actually funnier than you might have meant.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Since Descartes insisted that a mind-body amalgam is a real entity, as opposed to purely passive matter, I see no reason to continue to view him as a dualist.
Signed,
You Wish You Were Dating Me

Dear Yawn-Master,
Let me go out a limb here. In the dictionary, under "fascinating dinner companion," I'm guessing you're listed as an antonym.

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Dear Abby Redux,
With Aristotle's laws of motion overthrown, I am lately under the impression that Newton's mechanistic cosmology may have eliminated the need for a deity. Personally, I couldn't care less, but I prosit the presuppostion in hopefully that it may provoke me with extraneous credit on my exam.
Signed,
Red-Shirt Freshman

Dear Red,
Give it a rest, Thesaurus-Boy.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm the President of a fairly popular North American country, and everything is going wrong. I expected to glide through this on my rhetoric, my chin, and my team of political assassins. Am I getting bad advice?
Signed,
A Profile To Die For

Dear Community Playground Organizer,
Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm a collige student who, in order to avoid jail, was forced to take a filosofy class. As part of this week's assignment, several of my classmates and I were instructed to rite you with questions about causality. Is this gonna be on the test?
Signed,
Rhakard Abs

Dear Rhakard Abs,
Good luck in prison.