Abby Redux III

Dear Abby Redux,
A store in our local paper is advertising "50% off or half price, whichever is less." As a budget-conscious homemaker, I'm conflicted. When should I make my move?
Signed,
Alert Shopper

Dear Alert Shopper,
You should definitely hold out for half price. Afterwards, to celebrate your victory over The System, grab a beverage and spend ninety minutes watching "60 Minutes."

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm very concerned about the long-term effects of the BP oil spill on our seafood. Am I being overly cautious?
Signed,
Al B. Chronic

Dear Al,
Shut up. Those nice folks at BP are just cutting out the middleman. Remember: for years now, we've been buying cans of tuna fish packed in oil. Maybe, if we're lucky, BP will take the next logical step and come up with a way to spill mayonnaise and chopped celery.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I just heard that Florida's Governor is thinking about switching parties again. Again! What is it with all these politicians changing parties? Which party is he switching to now?
Signed,
Beachcomber Babs

Dear Babs,
Tupperware.

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Dear Abby Redux,
A clothing store at the mall is advertising "wonderful bargains for men with 16 or 17 necks." I don't understand.
Signed,
Ima Littledim

Dear Yes You Are,
It's a simple question, dearie. Does your husband have 32 arms, or 34? Just shop for the shirt with the right number of necks, and hope the store's got a deal going on gloves. By the way, have you heard about the 50% off sale?

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Dear Abby Redux,
Next month, I'm planning to attend my 35th high school reunion. Talk about your target-rich environment! Any suggestions on what I should wear?
Signed,
Single Again

Dear Sepia Centerfold,
Let's face some facts, Toots. No need to dust off the open-toed shoes for this one. Thirty-five years since high school? All the women's hair will be dyed, and all the men's hair will have died. Unsaddle the steed of your stellar standards; you're not gonna rope in "Mr. Right" this night. Orville or Wilbur Wright, maybe. You'll be lucky to snag a dance with "Mr. Still Upright." Wear something comfortable. Avoid the punch.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm one of them guys whats always lookin to better hisself. Yesterday I seen a Help Wanted ad like this here - "Tired of working for only $9.75 an hour? Profit sharing, flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour." Huzzah! My ship has drove in!
Signed,
Burl

Dear Burl,
You know, somewhere in your town sits one seriously depressed math teacher. But buck up, Burl, and seize the moment. Settle for nothing less, my boy. With crack analytical skills like yours, you'll claw your way to the nearest nadir in no time. And no, Burl, "nadir" does not mean "more nade."

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Dear Abby Redux,
For his 35th birthday, we bought a go-cart for our son, Sheldon, who still lives with us. The go-cart instructions include a rather sobering warning that states, "Object Moves When In Use." Do you think giving our child such a hazardous play-pretty would be irresponsible?
Signed,
Mrs. Sheldon Alabaster Pinckney IV

Dear Mrs. Sheldon-Person,
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about the go-kart's "object will move" warning; instead, slap a sign on young Sheldon that says "Object will move out and get a job already."

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Dear Abby Redux,
I did a lot of drugs in the 60s, and I think it's catching up with me. The other night on the news, I could've sworn I heard President Obama telling NASA to knock it off with all that "spaceship" stuff and focus their high-tech talents on a new mission: morale-boosting pep rallies for Muslim nations. Pardon me? NASA?
Signed,
Allen Haylitt

Dear Allen,
Shut up. What's NASA done for us? Tang. It's high time we got more for our money than a roomful of crew cuts, short-sleeved white shirts and pocket-protectors. I mean, it's not like NASA went to the moon or anything. Next, I suppose, the White House will task the Postmaster General with reviewing Broadway plays, and the National Endowment for the Arts will be managing suburban HVAC repair. Obviously.

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Dear Abby Redux,
This week, I saw a Facebook ad suggesting that people "Explore Gay Hawaii." Since then, I keep getting these mental images of Fred Flintstone in a hula skirt.
Signed,
Name Withheld

Dear Congressman,
Whatever you're currently spending on therapy, bump up the budget.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Somehow, I got pregnant. I think it happened over the internet. Should I go to a male or a female gynecologist?
Signed,
Anita Epidural

Dear Probably Walks Around Humming Cartoon Themes,
Well, that depends. Do you want to have a boy or a girl?

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Dear Abby Redux,
This week, the White House announced a 16-member commission to study exports. I think that says it all. The current administration has obviously saved us from ourselves, the worst is over, and it truly is the Summer of Recovery in America.
Signed,
Hope N. Change

Dear Prius Owner,
Exports, in this economy? Are you kidding me? What exports? We don't even export illegal aliens. On the other hand, this action is sure to save or create 16 Export Commission jobs. Or one job for a guy I know who has 16 necks.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Every single day, it seems like some dumb store prints some dumb ad, hoping we're dumb enough to fall for it. One store is advertising a "Three-Day Sale! Friday Only." Another is yelling "Stock up now and save! Limit 1." The corner gas station says they're "open 7 days a week, and weekends." And our local grocery is hawking "Georgia Peaches. California grown." How dumb do these people think we are?
Signed,
Guy That Lives Alone

Dear Closet Full of 'Members Only' Jackets,
Send me only $9.95 and I'll tell you how dumb you are. Act now and I'll throw in some fresh peaches from San Diego, Georgia.