Abby Redux IV

EDITORIAL SIDEBAR: Abby's physician, concerned about her steadily increasing blood pressure, has requested that we, for a time, censor your queries to filter out political topics. As we share a concern for Abby's well-being, we shook the physician's hand and agreed; furthermore, we were, quite frankly, lying between our teeth. Suck it up, Abby.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline in the paper? "South Carolina man gets 7 years for sex crime."
Signed,
Confused In Carolina

Dear Confused,
I understand why you're confused. That's just nuts. No way it can take him seven years.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Someone named Rankhaj keeps sending me emails, offering me a "fulfillingly software" job, at "a waging of your desires," in a South Carolina town called Creyer (pronounced "Cur"). I'm open to relocating, but I'm conflicted. I wonder if Rankhaj is cute? For that matter, do you think Rankhaj is male or female? Do you think the job will offer good benefits and insurance?
Signed,
Androgynous In Alabama

Dear Androgynous,
Hard to say. For some reason that's never been explained, software recruiters always sound like they come from a country that has elephants. Either way, I recommend you take the plunge. Life is too short (probably, so is Rankhaj). So go get 'em! You should know, though, that I've been to Cur, South Carolina. You might very well get a nice benefits package, but in Cur, they don't have much need for dental insurance.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this newspaper headline? "South Carolina man gets 7 years for sex crime."
Signed,
Challenged In Charlotte

Dear Challenged,
Yeah, I saw it. Seven years. Now that's what I call lethargy. Imagine getting stuck behind that guy at the grocery check-out.

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EDITORIAL ASIDE: [Hey, Fred! Watch this!]
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Dear Abby Redux,
What's wrong? I see that you're taking intravenous medication this week. I hope everything works out okay!
Signed,
At Large In Atlanta

Dear At Large,
Shut up. That's not what Abby Redux "IV" means, for Pete's sake. It doesn't mean "IV tube." It means "four." Honestly, I sometimes wonder how you people manage to walk and chew tobacco at the same time.
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Dear Abby Redux,
What's all this hullabaloo about "sanctuary cities?" Look, if some town wants to have a church, that ought to be none of our dadburn business.
Signed,
Bothered In Butte

Dear Bothered,
What a clever observation! Just wondering. How do you pronounce "Butte?"
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline? "South Carolina man gets 7 years for sex crime."
Signed,
Chaste In Charleston

Dear Chaste,
Yes, I did. You gotta admire the man's dedication. Speaking personally, after about six months, I'd just give up and find some other crime to commit.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline? "South Carolina woman finds cheeseburger in gas tank."
Signed,
Alert In Asheville

Dear Alert,
What is it with South Carolina? And what was this woman doing in her gas tank?

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EDITORIAL SIDEBAR: Here comes another one. I know: we promised. We can't help ourselves.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this story? Congressman Rangel, brought before the Ethics Committee for using his "public servant" position to cut deals, has cut a deal with the Ethics Committee. For any single one of these "ethics violations," you or I would be put in "subsidized federal housing." I thought that overly-dentate Pelosi mammal told us she was gonna "drain the swamp?"
Signed,
Disgusted In Des Moines

Dear Disgusted,
Shut up. In case you hadn't heard, justice has prevailed. For his dozen-plus ethics violations, the Congress is gonna make Rangel stand in front of the whole room. The whole room!

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EDITORIAL ASIDE: [Nice!]
EDITORIAL ASIDE: [Thanks, Fred!]
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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm really looking forward to the next Presidential Library. Long ago, there was the pure power of President Jefferson: "We hold these truths to be self-evident." Then came the immortal prose of President Lincoln: "Four score and seven years ago." Now, there's President Profile: "Hey! We got Orlando in the house."
Signed,
"Eft" Gingrich

Dear Other-Useless-Spokesman,
At least he can pronounce "nuclear." And spell "potato." As Joe Biden would say, "I got three words for you. Shut up."
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you hear this story? During today's taping of President Profile's guest appearance on "The View," several irrelevant citizens were tragically killed when an expanding-out-of-all-control Adoration Bomb violently interacted with the President's inherent ego cloud.
Signed,
Former First Lady

Dear 2012 Presidential Hopeful,
This week's topic was supposed to be news headlines. How did these political comments sneak in here?

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EDITORIAL SIDEBAR: Oops.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline? "South Carolina cops look for ties in missing woman cases."
Signed,
Rattled In Raleigh

Dear Rattled,
Let me guess. The ties could not be reached for comment.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline? "South Carolina man says car hit him." The victim said the driver of a blue "box style" Oldsmobile swerved and hit him with the passenger side bumper. The victim told officers he thought the suspect hit him on purpose and he, the victim, wanted to "press full charges" against the suspect, who the victim said was about 50 years old and, the victim had reason to believe, might be employed at a local packing plant.
Signed,
Sordid In Salinas

Dear Sordid,
The victim "had reason to believe" where the suspect worked? I'm gonna go out a limb here. Behind this story, there's a Victim X, a Suspect Y, and a Wife Z, aka Mrs. Y, whose youngest child looks a whole lot like X. There may even be a future Packing Plant employee named X Junior, or however they spell "X" down there in Cur.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline in the paper? "South Carolina man gets 7 years for sex crime."
Signed,
Tepid In Tempe

Dear Tepid,
Yes, I did. And we thought you Southerners just talked slowly.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you see this headline? "South Carolina man says car hit him."
Signed,
Packed In Oil In Pendleton

Dear Packed,
I did see that. Do you suppose they called in the sketch artist? Imagine that conversation:
"Yeah, officer. About 50, I reckon. Ugly, overly-dentate feller. Smelled like a packing plant."
"Smelled like a what?"
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Dear Abby Redux,
What exactly do they do in a "packing plant?"
Signed,
Unnamed Illegant Immigral, Working At The Lazy Dubya Potatoe Ranch

Dear Undocumented Voter,
I'm afraid to ask. And I wonder, too, about the police report's reference to "a" packing plant. How many packing plants do you suppose they've got in this burg?
By the way: "illegant immigral?" You're gonna fit right in, here in America.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Over a period of seven years, my boss at the packing plant hypnotized me on a magic couch and then committed various ethics violations involving overly-dentate mammals wearing ties. Now I'm being unfairly accused of using a cheeseburger-powered Prius to keep independent voters from Tea Party rallies!
Signed,
Rankhaj Rangel

Oy. Dear Editorial Department,
I need a vacation. What's wrong with these people? I'll say it again: No Politics This Week!
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EDITORIAL SIDEBAR: We're particularly fond of that last one. Oh! Remember the "IV Tube" letter? We wrote that one, too.

Is this fun, or what?