Abby Redux V

Dear Abby Redux,
After over twenty years at it, I'm tired of my career as a software developer. Sure, the money's okay, and there's lots of instant gratification, but it's a ruthlessly thankless gig. Over two decades now, and not once has a person ever emailed me to say anything like, "Nice optimized graphics!" or "Thanks so much for the handy navigation menu!" or "Man! That submit button ROCKS!"
So, maybe it's time I moved on. Wonder what else I would be good at?
Signed,
Haven't Dated Since Windows XP

Dear Likely To Snap During A Meeting,
Shut up. I recommend you try working the Returns counter at a Men's Big-And-Tall retail clothing store. I dare you. If you start Monday, you won't last till noon Tuesday. After about eighteen episodes involving some bedroom-slipper-wearing, four-sandwich-eating former beautician trying to get a refund on a six-pack of Size 54 boxers with odd green stains on the elastic, that she bought for her still-living-at-home son's 38th birthday, you'll flee - absolutely FLEE back to your solitary sanctuary.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I heard on the news that some guy who's being charged for murder is claiming a "caffeine insanity" defense. Is that really a legal option?
Signed,
Bitter In Biloxi

Dear Obviously Not Employed,
Sounds like a red herring to me. Coffee, eh? Why doesn't he just say he's innocent, and lob the blame bomb onto some nearby fast food joint? Where was McDonald's on the night in McQuestion? Eh? Has anybody McChecked the drive-thru clerk's McAlibi? Eh? Where's Perry McMason?

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Dear Abby Redux,
While waiting there in the Wals-mart checkout, I done read that some biotechnicalated company has done managed to generically alterize salmons, so them fish'll grow twicet as fast. And them federals say they's gone be safe to eat on. Reckon they safe?
Signed,
Tenured English Teacher In Twin Falls

Dear Likely Purchaser Of Commemorative Railroad Plates,
Which government? The USfederal government? The government that, after the planet-disrupting BP Gulf disaster, was guaranteeing us that seafood was safe to eat because they had hired professional people to ... ready? ... smell it?
Oh, and here's an idea. Call your elected officials and ask them this: "Twice as fast? Twice as fast as WHAT?" And then please write me back to let me know how that call worked out.
Please.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I hate my job. Every day, I work with a person who would have to call in a consultant if you challenged her to spell "dad" backwards. Today, this hair-bearing proto-mammal got all worked up over nothing, and then fired off a semi-literate email, claiming that some persistent customer was "waiting on an answer ASAP."
How do you wait as soon as possible?
Moron. Every bloody day. I hate this.
Signed,
Career Cul-De-Sac In Calabash

Dear Bound To Have A Single-Line Obituary,
Shut up. I can't help you with your particular idiots - I have my own. Morons are like snowflakes: no two are alike, they make your face hurt, and though they always go away eventually, you can't ever figure out when. But I do have some good advice: be nice to that idiot, and smile as long as you're able. Anyone that incompetent is bound to be your boss one day. Count on it.

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Dear Abby Redux,
While browsing through a garden catalog, I saw a caption describing a certain plant as a "lovely prostate ground cover." I truly don't mean to be coarse, but surely that's an inaccurate construction, is it not? That's not right, is it?
Signed,
Camellia del Bouquet-Smythe Manigault Perdeaux Ravenel

Dear All That'll Never Fit On The Guest Towels,
I don't know what you mean by "right," but with a name like yours, you cannot imagine how tempted I am to blister out a few dozen tasteless "prostate" jokes right about now. Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
A conservative running for Congress says she dabbled in witchcraft, but only during high school. Apparently, since then, she's been a model citizen with very few felonious indictments or Faustian agreements. Should we hold that fleeting childhood misjudgment against her?
Signed,
Sarah Palin

Dear Howard Dean,
Are you kidding me? Bring it on. At this point, I don't think one more Washington charlatan is gonna make much difference.
With this current crop of career criminals? Please. If they suddenly shape-shifting into winged monkeys, live on CSPAN, nobody would blink an eye. I could sell tickets.
Or maybe not.

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Dear Abby Redux,
A West Coast cult took off for a weekend retreat, leaving behind a bag filled with their cell phones and various legal deeds to various pieces of property they owned. The bag caused friends and relatives (and at least one cell phone provider) to fear that the cult members were gonna do something stupid, like commit mass suicide, or change calling plans.
The cult members were finally located and, unfortunately for the local news channel, were completely safe, though they all inexplicably reeked of recently-legalized drugs that once featured prominently in Cheech & Chong movies. They explained to authorities that they had left the bag of stuff behind just in case the world ended over the weekend - just in case "The Rapture" took place before they got back on Monday.
I'm glad they're all okay, but the news raises questions for me. I'm the kind of guy that likes to stay on top of things.
Are you aware of any recently-disclosed theological dogma dealing with specific IRS sub-clauses or real (or administratively non-real) property exemptions specifically targeting non-farm (or off-shore) holdings fully (or partially) claimed (or tangentially discussed) during the fiscal period immediately following the end of the world as we know it, discounting pre-paid sins as subject to the Sistine indulgence allowance (based quarterly) if less than or not less than more than half of the amount on line 22c?
Signed,
Gordon Gekko, Star Of "Wall Street III: Yes, Actually, You Can Take It With You"

Dear Secretary Geithner,
Shut up. You, and the rest of the IRS, just shut up. Get back to running Universal Health Care.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I don't want to work at all. But I saw a "help wanted" ad for a copywriter position at a mail-order catalog company. It's an entry-level position, to be sure, and I'll initially be paid a dollar per line of copy. At that rate, I'll be homeless or dead within seven months, but it's honest work and I can see a future for me, and the two illegal immigrant women I live with, and our eleven kids who are all under the age of three. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Digging Me Some Hope And Change In The New Amerika

Dear Member Of The Final Generation,
I think you should take the plunge! If you still feel that, in the new Amerika, you must work, then do it! You're wrong, but go for it.
But I do have to ask you - not because I care, but because there will eventually be a humor column named "Abby Redux VI" - have you ever had a prostate exam?

Please write me back with your answer.

Please.