Abby Redux VI

Dear Abby Redux,
This week, at the hotel where I work, our Chamber of Commerce sponsored a charity auction, where a bunch of perfectly styled people drank heavily for about four hours and waved at each other a lot. During the event, this knockout Australian model walked around the ballroom with each item people could bid on, and the auction attendees practically threw money at her.
Heck, I may try this myself. Can anybody hold an auction?
Signed,
Ramon "Bob" Boca

Dear Bob,
I suppose so, you civic-minded monument, you. But I suggest you work your way up to "charity auction." Dream big, but start small, like petty larceny or stealing lunch money from defenseless school kids.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Last night, I attended our annual Chamber of Commerce charity auction. I secured a nice, front-row table among my prominent friends, where I successfully bid on and won some sports memorabilia and a politician. I also managed to snag, at a fabulous discount, a weekend of meditation and holistic gastric management, to be held at Gland's End, my favorite sweat lodge in the Virginia highlands. You simply must try them sometime!
Anyhoo, I just wanted to publicly thank the Chamber! And to those who attended, I hope you enjoyed my mid-evening interpretive karaoke of Leonard Cohen tunes.
Signed,
Charles "Chaz" Port au Lett

Dear Chaz,
Can you buy a hat for that ego, or do you just wrap your head in a parachute?

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Dear Abby Redux,
Ever been to a charity auction? I have, this week. To fulfill a requirement for my Public Service merit badge, I volunteered to bus tables at a charity auction that my parents went to. It was pretty weird. I'm still not sure what the grownups were doing. Mostly, the grownups stood around in little groups, pointing at other groups, and sometimes waving. Finally, they all sat down and watched a pretty lady walk around the room, holding stuff up, while this guy on stage yelled. The guy was yelling almost the whole time, really fast, saying stuff like "eighty I got eighty eighty doo-ear ninety eighty somebody say ninety ninety doo-ear eighty-five." And every now and then, somebody would stick their arm in the air and wave a little magazine. This got the yelling guy pretty excited. Weird.
Signed,
William "Will" Williams

Dear Will,
As you'll learn over time, there's no limit to what grownups will do. Wait till you hear about "sweat lodges."

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Dear Abby Redux,
At a charity auction this week, I fell in love about forty-seven times with this Australian woman who was presenting all the auction items. I've always been a sucker for an unapproachable woman who will eventually leave and go far away.
Signed,
Name Withheld

Dear Barry,
Just because you created me, that doesn't give you the right to inject your neuroses right in the middle of my charity auction discussion.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I am an Australian woman, visiting America and working an internship with the local Chamber of Congress. Last night, I was involved in a charity auction, where a fight nearly broke out over one of the auction items. The item was a $50 gift certificate for what you call hot dogs (those little cased sausages that, in Australia, we call "mystery bags"). I mean, these show ponies, ready to spit the dummy over mystery bags? You Americans are nuts!
Signed,
Sheila "Lockjaw" Goolabindi

Dear Lockjaw,
Americans? Nuts? I think not.
For example, I've seen groups of apparently educated adults, all wearing variously-colored robes called a "Snuggie," willing to dance around in front of a camera, grinning like their spinal cords have been fused. And this is their JOB, for which people give them MONEY.
No. Americans aren't nuts. Americans are bat-scrabbling insane.

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Dear Abby Redux,
At a charity auction this week, I sat at a table behind a woman wearing enough perfume to disinfect Europe. I mean, the woman's olfactory aura would disable your average militia. What is it with women and their perfume Gatling Guns? And by the way: how can a woman wring a live chicken's neck, clean it, chop it up, dress it and cook it, but still be deathly afraid of a spider?
Signed,
Samuel Twain

Dear, um, Sam,
You're not fooling me, Barry. Get out of my column.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Last night, I had an interesting evening. At a local event for charity, I decided to bid on a $50 gift certificate for some hot dogs, as a gag gift. Suddenly, from over by the ballroom door, some underdressed rube from the exurbs outbid me! We yelled at each other for a while, until he turned and bolted off, carrying the prize. Fortunately, I had already bid on and won two hours of free legal fees from a local attorney, so I sued the hotel.
Signed,
Ravenal "Pug" Manigault III

Dear Pug,
Are you kidding me? I got five bucks that says that's not your real name.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I attended a charity auction this week, and successfully outbid everyone for a fabulous evening at home: a visit by a local chef, who will personally prepare a home-cooked meal of my choosing, for moi and 8 of my dearest friends. May I count on you to be there?
Signed,
Delgado "Biffy" Ponderosa

Dear Biffy,
Oh, drat. That evening, I'm already committed to a full schedule of sharpening pencils. I'll have to pass, but in my place I'll send my new friend Ramon. Can he bring anything? Say, 50 or 60 hot dogs?

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Dear Abby Redux,
Last night, I was down to that big motel on the freeway for they Happy Hour. After I got right happy, I figured on headin home, but heard a buncha yellin down the hall. I walked along to this hooty-tooty ballroom, peeked in and saw my neighbor Skeeter's boss-woman. I waved at the big-legged ole thing and some guy started pointin at me an yellin "SOLE!" Next thing I knowed, I done won me fifty dollers worth in hot dogs. I nearly had to tighten up this one feller who thought he had a point to make, but after a time, he shut up. I tell you what! Is this a great country or what? It don't get no beddern at!
Signed,
Elridge "Tiny" Curdstill

Dear Tiny,
Here's a little news flash, Herbert Halitosis. You were supposed to PAY for the hot dogs. That was a charity auction, not a Government Cheese drop.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm one of several authors who recently attended a local charity auction, where we donated signed copies of our books and ate pounds of free shrimp. Later in the evening, the guests bid on a gift basket containing a copy of each author's book. Apparently, though, the gift basket didn't impress: from a funds-raised perspective, our collective literary efforts ranked somewhere between a dozen free car washes and a live dog.
Signed,
Cole

Dear Cole,
Don't ask how, but I know one of your fellow authors, the one who writes a humor column. Believe me, you're better off with the dog.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I attended a charity auction this week, and one of the items auctioned off was a small dog. Is that legal, do you think?
Signed,
Clovis "Muffy" Earmough

Dear Muffy,
Let's just hope the people who won the chef and the home-cooked meal didn't bid on the dog.

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