ABC Announces New Fall Television Schedule- What I'll Set My TIVO For

ABC has announced its new fall television schedule, and, as expected, some upcoming shows look promising and some make me wonder just what the executives over at ABC were thinking. However you slice it, the new ABC fall schedule looks, well, varied if nothing else.

First, let's pay tribute to the shows we will not be seeing. While cancellations of The Nine and Daybreak are not surprising, in fact even welcomed, I am sad to see What About Brian has been booted from ABC. The cancellation doesn't come as a shock; What About Brian has never received the ratings it should have. And now, out with the old and in with the new.

Destined for Nothing:

Sam I Am: A comedy staring Christina Applegate as a horrible person who gets amnesia in a car accident and attempts to become a good person instead. That's really all you can say about this show. The truth is, amnesia is the classic shark jumping deus ex machina episode that has killed so many television shows in the past. Viewers cringe whenever they think about the possibility of having to wade through yet another amnesia episode, and now we get a whole series of it. I don't know what exactly ABC is hoping for with this show, but it's destined for failure unless it's got some genius comedy writing, and I mean serious, serious genius. If you have absolutely nothing better to do on a Monday night or have an obsession with Christina Applegate, go ahead and watch. I personally will sit this one out.

Cavemen: ABC's fall schedule has de-evolved to a whole new low. Ok, so the Geico cavemen are funny in little 30 second spurts, but ABC dragging this schtick out to 30 whole minutes on Tuesdays is somewhat stomach turning. Yes, the three Geico cavemen have their own series living in the modern world and fighting the stereotypes associated with being a caveman. Yeah, thanks, ABC. I'll stick with the commercials.

Too much of a good thing:

Big Shots vs. Cashmere Mafia: Big Shots starts right away in the fall, but ABC is making us wait until midseason to kick off Cashmere Mafia. Two shows about four big time CEO's trying to cut it in the hard edged world of big business, but one is about men and the other, women. Now there's a twist! ABC, come on, wake up and give us some co-ed programming every once in a while. While men may be from Mars and women from Venus, we don't need his and hers versions of the same television show. I'll give them both a try, but I'm not going to bother with the series recording option on TIVO, I'll probably be bored with one or both long before next May.

Private Practice vs. Grey's Anatomy: Not a shock, Grey's Anatomy is back. Also not a shock, that two hour long Grey's episode where Addison visits an LA fertility clinic staffed by hot doctors has become a spinoff. We all saw that coming, after all, there were way too many famous faces like Tim Daly and Taye Diggs working at that clinic for only one exceedingly long and not at all relevant Grey's Anatomy episode. Will I watch it? You bet I will. It's all part of the Grey's Anatomy wheel I've been caught up in and ABC knows it. And, while Private Practice will most likely be nowhere near as wonderful as the Grey's Anatomy original, it won't matter. ABC can milk this new fall show for a good three seasons before we catch on.

Carpoolers vs. Desperate Housewives: If you've ever wondered what the opposite of Desperate Housewives is, it's ABC's new fall comedy Carpoolers. It won't have the drama, but will have enough quirky character flaws to make it close enough for kissing. Each episode starts with four guys who commute to work together and use the opportunity to dissect their wives, their kids, their jobs and their lives. Although I doubt anyone's wife will be killed by the jealous, mild mannered and sociopathic pharmacist, it's another look at basically the same thing, suburban families. I'll give it a whirl, but without the murderous medicine hawker I doubt it will be nearly as good as ABC's darling drama on Wisteria Lane.

Women's Murder Club vs. Every Other Crime Drama on Television: It's a new crime drama, with a twist! Well, we all knew there would be at least one coming in the new fall programming schedule, and ABC seems to think that the key element missing in crime dramas is estrogen. Apparently it is men who clog the wheel of the justice system, so a group of women crime solving professionals team up to bring down the criminals faster. Yeah, I don't get it either, but I'll watch it nonetheless because I always watch crime dramas and ABC knows it. Will this be Desperate Housewives meets CSI? Who knows? It's on Fridays with little competition, so might as well try it out.

Miss/Guided vs. Ugly Betty: Miss/Guided isn't slated to debut until the midseason, and basically it boils down to unattractive girl vs. beautiful girl as faculty members in their old high school. This is clearly ABC's attempt to recreate this season's hit Ugly Betty in a different setting, but somehow I think without Ugly Betty's telenovella style and unbelievable but amazingly entertaining plot twists, this show is just a poor copy of a great original. I'll watch it at first, and I'm hoping the characters are amazing enough to make it worth watching, but somehow I think it will go the way of all copycats and fizzle out.

What the????

ABC's last two new series in the fall line up are just confusing enough that I have to watch at least one episode of each just to figure out what they're trying to accomplish. Pushing Daises and Dirty Sexy Money both round out Wednesday nights (quick note, before you start to panic, Lost will return in the midseason, hopefully saving us from more reruns and random "catch up" episodes). Pushing Daises is about a simple pie baker who uses his gift of bringing the dead back to life momentarily with his touch (I hope he washes his hands before baking those pies) to solve their murders. Dirty Sexy Money features a family of spoiled, rich grown up brats and promises tons of dysfunction. Both of these shows have the possibility to be the sleeper hit of the season, and I certainly hope ABC knows what it's doing with these shows on the new fall schedule, because I certainly don't.

And so, ABC's new fall lineup is an odd mix of cavemen, copycats, amnesia, dysfunction and CEO's. Some of ABC's new shows have promise, and I hope they have the necessary talent to back them up, but I'm pretty lukewarm about the new ABC fall season in general.