Abduction Tips for Humans: A How-To Guide for a Meaningful Abduction

Have you been sitting around watching all these UFO-Alien Abduction specials on cable and wondering just when these aliens are going to get around to contacting you? Have you sat there through hour after hour of The Discovery Channel and The History Channel just devouring everything said about the alien abduction phenomenon only to feel strangely empty at the end of the program? You want an abduction experience. You want to be taken aboard the little gray men's flying saucers. You too want to have torturous nightmares for the rest of your life, discover strange and troublesome electronic implants embedded in your head (you want to be tagged like we would tag a wild animal), and most of all, you want to be able to undergo hypnotic regression so that you can get enough material to write a bestseller and end up on Oprah.

You already have the book titled: How I Was Taken from My Bed and Had Sexual Experiments Done to Me: And Now You Can Too!

Well, I have tips. I have tips for those of you who not only have been sitting around waiting to become abducted but also for those of you who, if you had your way, would rather the little aliens leave you alone. I am going to provide for you in this essay a Definitive Guide for those who have been abducted and would like never to have this experience again, for those who not only loved their first abduction experience but also are eagerly waiting for a repeat performance, and for those who never, ever want this nonsense to start. I have a little something for all no matter what your aliens from space abduction needs are.

TIP ONE: Providing Proof

You have been taken from your bed or car, had all manner of unsolicited sexual experiments done to you, but you can't prove this to anyone and no one believes you.

This little problem is very easily solved. For God's sake, take some pictures. We silly humans will whip out a digital camera or cell phone for everything but somehow we forget that this technology is available when we are taken by the aliens. If you are a repeat abductee and the cute aliens told you they'd be back for you since they've just tagged you like a moose, then be sure that whenever you go to bed or are out driving that you have some form of digital picture-taking device Velcroed to your wrist. Take some nice pictures and perhaps you can even ask for a group shot. Tell them that after they've finished with terrifying you beyond measure that you want a shot of them with some piece of intergalactic spaceship background. This will work. Look around for used "The Lonely Planet: Earth" guidebooks that you can take home with you when the aliens are done with you.

TIP TWO: Don't Call Us, We'll Call You

You've never had an abduction experience. You want so badly to have an abduction experience because you've realized what a career boost this could be but you don't know how to go about making this happen.

OR:

You've not only had an abduction experience but you also had such a positive one that you would love to see your little alien darlings again but they said they would call you and not to bug them.

This too is easily solved. If you've never had an abduction experience or you've already had one and want more, you can telepathically call on the aliens and tell them you are ready and would they kindly stop what they are doing and come and get you. I am not kidding you. It is like making a phone call only you are doing this with your mind.

There are groups, a kind of Alien Abduction Club, that go out in the middle of the night and try to telepathically call up the aliens for an experience. There are also individuals who not only claim to be able to do this, but also allege to have ongoing personal relationships with aliens. If this isn't enough to scintillate your alien abduction desires, there are periodic "Let's Call The Aliens" Conventions. This is where huge hordes of humans get together, almost like a Mary Kay Convention, to share stories, exchange tips, and then stay up late and have a kind of "Human Phone ET Slumber Party." However, this is done outdoors in the dead of night, so be sure you don't drink too much during the cocktail hour so you can stay awake.

Now let's say you can't attend one of these "The ET's Are Coming Because We Will Call Them Conventions" for one reason of another. Well, you do not have to be left out. You can buy a book that is available wherever fine books are sold called: Calling on Extraterrestrials: 11 Steps to Inviting Your Own Ufo Encounters, by author Lisette Larkins. Her very enticing table of contents looks like this:

Dreaming of Contact

Call It Forth

Remember the Soul Connections (With who?)

Forgive the Pain (obviously referring to the hideously, nightmarish experience of having needles stabbed into all parts of your body)

Celebrate Family Reunions (With the aliens? Yeah...right!)

Be The Expert (This will get you on Oprah and Larry King)

Energize (???)

Discern Readiness in Others (only after making yourself the Expert)

Be Here Now

Shapeshift (Into what and is this for the humans or aliens or both?)

Fear Not (Did I already say, "Yeah...right?)

Metamorphose (I have no idea what this means and do not advise doing it unless you find out first!)

(I swear to God I did not make any of this up except, of course, all the comments in parentheses-as if you didn't know.)

With all due respect to Lisette Larkins and her book, I am sure she means very well in what she's written but this is, just perhaps, why Ufologists tend to distance them from the Abductee branch of Ufology. I could be wrong. I doubt it.

TIP THREE: ALIEN ABDUCTION, Inc.

Let's say you've been waiting until you are blue in the face for your first abduction or a repeat experience. Let's also assume that though you want the real thing, you might settle for a substitute experience or at least one that will "Prime the Pump," so to speak. Well, there is hope!

This is a full-service outfit that will help you have an Alien Abduction experience. They will GIVE you an Alien Abduction experience. For a fee that will set you back so much it will take three lifetimes to pay off the loan, they will induce, through hypnosis, an experience you will not soon forget. I am not making this up, folks. Go to their site!

This terrorist group (whoops, I mean this terror-inducing group) will offer you the following (this is too true to be real but is real nonetheless):

Convenience - You don't have to wait years or even days. You can become abducted on your way to work, an important engagement, or from your home now.

Reliability - They will plant into you an abduction experience as though you had the real thing. They are trained professionals.

Realism - They will make sure you feel confident that your experience was a genuine Alien Abduction experience.

If you aren't satisfied with the basic package, there are all manner of add-on services: for more money, naturally! Also, if you just want something as a memento, you can order a T-Shirt with their catchy motto: If They Won't Contact You, Contact Us!

They even have an online store for your Alien Abduction Memorabilia. Check them out!

TIP FOUR: Education For Children

A very interesting and horrifying fact in this entire phenomenon is that adult abductees often allege their abduction experiences began when they were children. I am a testimony to this. Mine began when I was 11 or 12 years old. Also, these young ones who grow up to have children of their own report that their children often become abductees. So, what is one to do? How do you prepare your kids for the eventuality that they too will soon meet those gigantic-headed, bug-eyed Grey aliens that they will no doubt interpret as monsters in their closets?

First of all, be sure you tell them who your Greys are. Because you will have no doubt gotten names (Can you imagine a New Yorker abductee NOT saying, "And your name is...?") and taken pictures for your Abductee Album.

Secondly, buy them theSpace Alien Detection Kit. Your child will learn how to detect and uncover all the space aliens in his or her life. Choose which species of aliens they would rather be kidnapped (whoops, I meant abducted) by. Also, your daughter will be able to tell if her brother is really an alien and how to send him packing down the nearest wormhole that is always located in one's closet. Check this out for Christmas gifts!
What it fails to tell you is that the company will not be held responsible for the life-long therapy your child will most certainly need when you explain why you gave him or her this kit as a Christmas present.

Thirdly, what you could do if your children are a little too innocent for bedtime abduction stories, is get them something that will pave the way for their future and incurable traumatizing: The Alien Abduction Lamp!

This is guaranteed to delight your child to no end and cause an intensely curious inquiry about why the cow on the lamp's base is floating toward that spaceship in the transport beam!

"Daddy, what will the aliens do with that cow?"

There is your chance to explain Cattle Mutilations! It will change your kid's life forever!

TIP FIVE: What if I hate all aliens?

All right, we are the end of the line. Let' assume that one alien abduction was enough. You've been there, done that. You acknowledge that though scary, horrific, intrusive, that there are some abductees who actually like what they've been through and are burning a light in the window for the little Grey guys to come back. For you: no more. Or, let's say you don't want to have anything to do with alien abductions or having your ova or sperm forcibly removed from your body. Your pendulum, as they say, just doesn't swing that way. Ok, what to do?

STOP ALIEN ABDUCTIONS!

You can get the entire family the new and very stylish THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET-place your order now for delivery before the holidays!

You can be assured that THE THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET will prevent the aliens from finding and abducting you. The way I know this is that they claim this on their web site: "IT'S A TESTED DEVICE THAT WORKS".

If you can't talk these crazy-looking people (they have lots of scary pictures on their site) into making one (or ten-gifts for the holidays) for you, then they have instructions on how to make your own. They also explain exactly how this anti-abduction device is supposed to work as well as what it can and cannot do. They are very honest and tell you that it is not foolproof.

Take heed that these people (and may I never meet any of them) are not fooling around! They offer pictures of nutty-looking people wearing these thought screen hats. They also offer you an extensive list of links for your "how-to-prevent-an-abduction" education.

You can learn what tools and materials you need to construct your very own thought helmet. There are detailed steps to take you from start to finish. You will also see how it was developed and what sorts of aliens it fends off (they have a picture of a dead alien too!!!). They tell you all about telepathy and the telepathic war with those rascally monsters. Find out about the aliens' intelligence and their weaknesses, if you are so inclined. The site is also replete with case histories.

This is absolutely the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life. But, if you mean business when it comes to preventing an alien abduction or postponing one because it conflicts with a Paul Potts concert you want to attend, then you better check out this site! I mean it, too!

There you have my personal tips for turning your first or subsequent Alien Abduction Experience into a meaningful and wonderful thing.