Abortion

Today would have been my son's 4th birthday. I wonder how things would be now if he would have been born?? I am glad that I am not with John anymore. I remember a few days after we broke up I went over there to talk with him and I was still not sure whether or not I wanted our relationship to end... I remember his exact words... "...and to think, our son would be almost 4 years old." It was almost as if he was throwing it in my face. I can never forget those words, it makes me sick to my stomach. What a fucking prick! Now that I think about it... he never even asked me how I felt about the whole thing, he never brought it up.

I remember sitting in the abortion clinic with Nicky... I observed the other women and girls that were waiting in the waiting room, I remember wandering if they were all there for the same thing. One of the nurses called my name... I remember we had to lie to them about who daddy was to protect him, because I was only 16 years old. Nicky seemed really stressed out, but she kept talking with me and she was very comforting. She waited out in the waiting room while the nurses took me into another room. It was a small room, it looked just like any other ordinary doctor's office. There were about 4 or 5 nurses and doctors standing around as I sat on the doctor's bed wearing one of those white paper gowns. I didn't feel sad or down or anything... I don't know why. It just didn't seem to quite "hit me" then. I asked one of the doctor's if it was going to hurt. He looked at me and unexpectedly... he replied, "yes." I never thought he would be honest about it. One of the nurses started to explain the whole procedure to me and what was going to happen. I had so much on my mind that I didn't even pay attention. Another nurse offered me two different types of medication to kill the pain during the process. I don't remember the one I didn't choose, I only remember the laughing gas. The nurse walked away for a moment and came back with a mask, she asked me to hold it over my mouth and breath in. I did. The doctor continued for her, "just take deep breaths..." and I did. I suddenly started to feel really "high," I don't know if that is a way of explaining it, but that's how I felt. I think one of the doctors tried to make me feel better while I began to lie down, he said something that I found extremely hilarious and I began to laugh a little bit, as soon as I felt the worst possible pain "down there" my laughter turned into tears. It only took a few minutes, but It hurt more than anyone could possibly ever imagine. I lied down for a few moments in the out-patient room and started to feel really bad.... I began feeling sick. One of the nurses came in and walked me out to the waiting room where Nicky had been waiting for me.

My eyes must have been red from crying so much... Nicky and I didn't speak until we got into the car. She closed the car door and looked at me. I tried so hard not to burst out into tears, she asked me if I was alright, then I couldn't take it anymore and I cried like I had just lost someone close to me (which, in a sense, I did.) She leaned over and hugged me so tightly and cried a few minutes with me. I never wanted to go back into that building again... ever.

The doctor told Nicky that I would need bed rest for the rest of the weekend so my body won't get sick. She talked my mom into letting me go up to north Florida with her and John to meet her family for the weekend. My mom said I could go, that was the night I had the abortion...

We left that night for her parents house and John got us all a hotel. I remember him and Nicky getting into an argument over Nicky wanting to smoke a cigarette. I think it had a lot to do with me. He pulled her by the hair when she tried to walk out of the hotel... I had never seen him do anything like that before and I stood up in his face... he shoved me across the room and I fell backward. Nicky got really pissed/worried and came right over to me, we both looked up at him and they exchanged some nasty words. I guess he was getting even more pissed. I crawled back up on the bed and lied down under the covers. They continued to argue and he told her to sleep on the little couch in the corner of the hotel room like she was a dog or something. He was so cruel. She went over and curled up on the couch, the lights went out. She was crying and he told her to stop, she couldn't, I knew she had a lot on her mind. He got pissed off and dragged her off the couch by her hair and threw her on the ground. She was crying and bleeding and he kept kicking her. I couldn't believe what was happening, I got up and dashed to the door, I don't know what I was thinking or what I was going to do. I was just scared and I couldn't be there. I felt so bad and so confused. John came out after me and told me we were leaving her there, he walked me to her car and we got in, I just wanted to go home. I was scared of staying with Nicky alone across the state in some hotel but I also didn't want to leave with this psycho. I just wanted to go home, I was crying so hard I started getting a headache. I was sure I would run out of tears soon, but they seemed to continue to fall.

John sped out of the parking lot and down the street calling her every foul word imaginable. I looked up toward the road and there was dog crossing the street, John must have seen it too... he swerved a little but tried to stay in his lane because there was a car on the other side. He hit the dog. I glanced in the side mirror and saw him lying in the road. I freaked out! If everything back at the hotel wasn't enough, now this!

I guess after a while John came to his senses and started feeling bad, he told me he was going back because it was Nicky's car and she really didn't do anything wrong. We ended up going back and we all went to bed.