Abortion: My Story, My Heartache

I've never had much luck with guys, always chasing after the wrong ones. I was 17 years old and just graduated. Drew was different, though; at least that's what I thought. I met Drew through a mobile phone chat. He was the first person to talk to me in the room and was very funny. He eventually asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him. We talked on the phone forever, and when we weren't on the phone we were in the chat room messaging each other. After a few weeks of talking he asked if we could meet. I had never met someone from the Internet in person. I was a little unsure, but I told him OK.

A few nights later, after I got out of work, Drew was out in the parking lot. He had short, blond hair and blue eyes. Although he wasn't really my type, I thought it wouldn't hurt to stay friends. We sat in my car and talked. He asked if he could kiss me and I said sure. While we were kissing he put his hand on the inside of my thigh and started moving it up. I pushed his hand away and said, "I'm sorry if you think I'm that type of girl but I am not." He kept trying and saying, "Oh come on, I won't tell anyone." I was angry and upset. I told him I needed to get home and I left it at that. He apologized to me the next day. He swore to me that he didn't mean to come off that strong and he wanted another chance.

July 2005

Drew and I started dating a few weeks later. I didn't call him my boyfriend but we acted like it. One night I went to his house and we were lying on his bed talking. He turned over to me and started kissing me. As we were making out he slowly took off my clothes till I was completely naked. He got up really fast and said, "I need to tell you something. I can't keep it from you anymore. If you hate me then you can put your clothes back on and you may leave." My heart was pounding. I had no idea what he was about to tell me.

"I'm on probation for drugs" he said. "I don't do drugs anymore. I have been completely clean for years now." I thought to myself, "That's it? I thought he was going to tell me he killed someone."

That night was our first time.

September 2005

"It's positive." I couldn't speak. A part of me was happy while the other was confused. When I came out of the office Drew stared at me. We paid and walked out of the clinic. I stopped in front of my car and I said, "It looks like we will need to get a house for our family." He was so happy. I on the other hand, didn't know how to react. Over the next two weeks we told his mom and his family. They were all excited. We talked about what we were going to name our baby and he would rub my belly and kiss it. I was finally getting over the shock of being pregnant. Now the next step was telling my family.

I went up to my sister's work one afternoon and I started crying. "You're pregnant aren't you?" I cried and cried. She was understanding and told me she would help me the best way she could.

When I told my mom she freaked out. She told me I was too young and wouldn't be able to raise the baby right. I hated her for being so negative about it. She told me to leave her alone and when she was ready to talk to me she would. I didn't understand why she insisted that I couldn't keep my baby. I was 18 now and it was my responsibility.

October 2005

"I hope it's a girl. I want a daddy's girl" Drew would say.

One night at his house, we were in his room talking about our future plans. "I need to tell you something Ashley. I lied to you. I'm not on probation for drugs," he said. "Ok then why are you on probation?"

"I'm a sex offender."

Apparently Drew wasn't who I thought he was. He loved young girls. He was 29 when we started dating. Why didn't I realize it in the first place? I was kicking myself in the butt.

A few days later I received a call from his mom. "Ashley, they took Andy away. He's going to prison." I was so mad at him. I was scared and alone.

Everything went downhill after that. DCF got involved and told me that when I had my baby they would be right there in the delivery room. I didn't know what to do. Abortion was never in my mind until my mom mentioned it.

December 2005

I'm lying in a chair with no pants on. I'm staring at the ceiling. I'm all drugged up. I felt everything. I was crying. Trying to scream but I couldn't. I kept saying, "no no no no give me my baby girl, she's mine! You can't have her!" When it was done they sent me to the bathroom. They had the nurse hold me because I couldn't stand on my own. They sat me down and gave me some pills. They took my blood pressure and my temperature. I was wrapped in a blanket, eating cookies and drinking orange juice. The nurse came in and said, "We need to check you again to make sure everything went OK."

I'm back in that horrible death chair, staring at that awful ceiling. This time I'm not as drugged up. They had to do the procedure a second time. This has gone far enough. I was furious. More pain, more tears.

I'm sitting in the chair with the blanket. The nurse offers me juice and cookies and I shook my head. I don't want your damn cookies! Just let me go home.

Today

I will never forgive myself for the choice I made. I had to make it, though. I didn't want some stranger taking my own child from me, trying to raise her like they are her real parents. Then, when her daddy gets out of prison, he's going to come looking for her. He gets out in 2009. That would have made her 3 years old. No wonder he always said he wanted a girl. My baby girl is safe with God. She watches over me every day. She knows that I love her and someday I will get to see her again. No one can hurt her because she is in the arms of God.