Abstinence Before Marriage; Good in Theory, Difficult Without God's Help

I think that abstinence before marriage is a great thing, and would never knock anyone for trying it. Everyone knows that I was a virgin into my early twenties and would never fault anyone that wants to make an honest go at it. But I think that without perspective, those who preach abstinence are preaching to the choir. If you never had sex before, you don't know what you're missing anyway, and abstinence is a bit easier. But there needs to be context to the issue of abstinence, and one needs to look at where the naysayers are coming from, before writing them off completely.

I often wonder if a lot of naysayers laugh at the idea of abstinence because it did not work out for them. In other words, they themselves had sex before marriage, and aren't entirely sold on the idea that things would have been any different had they waited. I did not wait myself, but a lot of the arguments that people give in support of abstinence; that relationships do not last, that you cannot form a strong emotional and spiritual connection with someone, that your likelihood of being divorced goes up, are coming from a place of good intentions, but are not telling the entire truth. I actually stayed with the person, got married, and am still with my wife after 12 years. To hear those in defense of abstinence tell it, I would have been divorced a long time ago, and would have had sex with a lot of people before I ever settled down.

While I will agree that it can be difficult to think clearly and develop a true, lasting relationship with someone when you have sex outside of marriage, or before marriage, it is not entirely true that it will never happen. Sex early on in the relationship is like winning the lottery; it might work and it might not, you might be with someone forever or you might not, it could be the worst thing to happen to you, or a decision that clearly has consequences you will suffer from. That is simply the way that it works.

Everyone I spoke to when I was a virgin told me to wait; a lot of people did not believe me, because I made it through high school with my virginity in tact, others made fun of me, it is what it is. But I stood my ground until I felt that I had the right person. I know what the Bible says and I do not disagree with anything that has been written on the subject. But I also know that there is a grey area; not on the consequences themselves, but the certainty and likelihood of whether or not those consequences will come about.

These days we are telling people they should not do anything; oral sex, masturbation, that they cannot do anything until they are married. You hear people telling others that masturbation is a sin because you need to fantasize in order to get off, and that means that there is lust in your heart. That is not entirely true; while lust makes it easier, you can get yours without thinking about anyone at all. Some people have a problem with pornography, which does lead to lust, and the obvious purpose that pornography serves is that a release is in order. No one likes looking at women that much, and no one is that curious or that intrigued by what other people do. Outside of masturbation you are pretty much wasting your time and money.

There is no question that it is a sin, but again, there is nothing that says that you have to do this in order for that to occur. Good reasons to avoid oral sex with the same diligence that you would avoid sex in general outside of marriage is because you can still develop an emotional and spiritual connection with someone else that is unhealthy and you can still contract a sexually transmitted disease. For years we thought that we could do this and that without getting sick, and the bottom line is that there is not activity, not even kissing, that one can do without getting some type of sexually transmitted disease. That is just the way that it is.

If you want to remain abstinent, develop a relationship with God. His spirit will keep you and you can stay out of trouble that way. Your willpower is not going to keep you. People can preach to you all that they want, the reason that people have sex before marriage, is not about them, it is about their relationship with God. We are told that we can put our self in the way of temptation and that we will be okay because we did not go all the way, or that we were careful and had "safe sex". There is no safe sex, in or out of marriage. You can do all of the right things and your spouse could be deviant, and bring something home to you and you can suffer the consequences that way, so you have to be prayerful. Everyone knows what the consequences of sex outside of marriage are, and I'm not so sure that people are really looking to have sex outside of marriage, particularly those who have been married before that know how great it can be when you and your spouse are on the same page. But without any help you simply are not going to do it alone ...