Abused and in Love?

The usual response when someone is asked why they stay in an abusive relationship is, "Because I love him" or "Because I love her." Is love enough to overcome the affects of abuse? When is love not enough?

Abuse in relationships is at an all-time high. Research has shown that 36 to 50 percent of American women will be abused in their lifetime. Forty-two percent of murdered women are killed by their partner or former partner. (Women can also abuse men, but nine out of ten victims are female.) These statistics only address physical abuse, but partners in a relationship can be abused mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.

A wise therapist once said that it's very difficult to see a relationship and it's repercussions clearly when a person is in the middle of it. That is why family and friends may see the abuse clearer than the person who is being abused. Abuse may be kept secret while the victim suffers in silence, because of fear of the reaction of others. Many abuse victims are also very isolated from other people.

Ask any policeman who has responded to a domestic dispute how difficult it is to get the victim to press charges. Of course, this may be out of fear, but is commonly because they love their abuser and don't want him to be punished. An apology by the abuser can keep the victim going back for more. "He was genuinely sorry for what he did to me. He even cried. He said he'd never do it again. I can't leave him. He needs me. I love him." These are all comments heard by victims of abuse, even when in their heart they know it will happen again. Statistics show that if someone abuses another person once, it is highly likely that it will happen again and again. Abuse also tends to escalate, getting worse and worse and worse. As Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

So why does a victim stay with someone that is abusing him or her on a regular basis? Lack of self-esteem is commonly the cause. Especially if the relationship has lasted for some time, or previous relationships have followed the same pattern, a person can become used to the victim role. When they might be outraged if someone treated their sister or child that way, for themselves it seems acceptable.

But what if you love him or her? Love is a very strong emotion. Love can also be confused for a lot of other feelings, like a need to feel loved, financial dependence, fear of being alone, or being in a pattern that however dangerous may be comfortable in some ways. People tend to repeatedly get involved in one abusive relationship after another, many times beginning with an abusive parent and continuing into marriages, unless professional help is received. One victim at a women's shelter who had repeatedly been beaten by her husband expressed her feelings after she had gone through therapy. "I was not abused as a child. My parents loved me but they never had time for me. I felt invisible, and as long as I stayed out of the way, no one was upset. I grew up feeling very empty, and felt a desperate need to make someone love me, to have someone validate that I was a worthwhile human being. When I met my first husband and he began soon after our marriage to be violent, I tried that much harder to make him love me. I felt every time he hit me it was reinforcing my personal belief that I wasn't good enough, that some shame in me had caused this. It was easier to blame myself than to put the blame on him, where it belonged."
Another abuse survivor added, "If I admitted to myself that I deserved better, that I shouldn't put up with it, then I knew I had to make some very hard decisions about my life and my children's lives. I knew financially it would be hard. I had never lived alone and was afraid. It seemed easier to stay in a bad relationship than to face the unknown- I figured it was "better to face the devil I knew."

True love, real love, is not hurtful. If a person really loves you, they want what is best for you and would avoid hurting you at all costs. In fact, if a person really loves you and feels they are stuck in a cycle of violence toward others, they would want you to leave to protect you. Breaking the cycle of abuse rarely happens with the abuser, unless he or she wants to change badly enough to do the psychological work to change. Breaking the cycle begins when the victim steps up and faces the fact that he or she deserves better. Only then does it stop. Once the victim is out of the relationship, the pattern becomes clearer. One abuse survivor explained it this way, "Now that I can look back on it, I don't know why I stayed in that so long. I have begun to laugh again and feel happy. I was so worried about giving up the five years we had given to make our marriage work, that I couldn't see the years ahead that were bound to be the same thing over and over."

Many women stay in an abusive relationship to keep their family together for the children. It is actually more harmful for children to grow up in an abusive environment, and they are likely to repeat the same patterns in their future life. It is better to come from a broken home than to live in everyday.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to seek help. Even though you may not believe it, you need to constantly remind yourself that the abuse is not your fault and that you deserve to be treated with gentleness and respect. Seek professional help through your local mental health center. They have sliding fee scales for those on a low income. Contact your local women's shelter. You may have to become stronger yourself before you are able to make the break. You owe it to yourself to try. Remember, real love doesn't hurt. You have to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. You can't fix anyone or make them change. You can only change yourself.