Abusive Relationships

Possibly the worst abuse is physical. Sadly, it is commonly considered to be women who are physically abused, but this is not always the case. There are many cases in which a woman will hit, scratch, and attack men. It may seem silly at times, but it can be a problem when men are respectful and would never even defend themselves against an attacking wife or girlfriend.

(I had a neighbor who would hide his scratch marks, bruises, and once even a broken nose because his jealous girlfriend would be upset if he went to a bar with his uncle. She would assume the worst and the rest is self explanatory. He was a very respectful, loyal man and could not understand that this behavior was abuse. "Women get abused, men don't" he once defended of her.)

Some physically abusive relationships are actually double sided. An example of this would be a couple I know. The girlfriend once had to go to the emergency room and get her ear stitched together. She did the common thing and lied about how her ear had been ripped halfway off, but everyone knew better. She would get the same lectures about how she should leave him, how she could do better. The strange thing is, he would get the same lectures. It's hard to say who started the abusing... but she has been known to beat him with objects for not coming home when he said he would. Once, she even shot him with a cross bow. Her behavior was offensive as well, and not defensive. Sometimes you wonder if they both beat eachother out of some shared fetish.

Now physical abuse is the most obvious. Even without seeing the bruises, it can be easily noticeable when someone you know is physically abused. Similarly, you have no doubts in your mind if you are being physically abused, or if you are physically abusing somebody.

It seems impossible to talk to a man who is abusing their wife or girlfriend physically. Any man who would hit a woman is a monster, and that is the bottom line. They may deny it or they may feel no shame at all, but either way they will never change their ways. If you are a woman being physically abused by a man the only thing you can do it get as far away as possible.

Now women who physically abuse men may be just as clueless about it as the rest of the world. There is something entirely different in this scenario, but it is just as serious of a problem. It is rare for a woman to physically abuse a man, especially a man who would never defend himself, but in this case it may be easier for the woman to change. If she can acknowledge that it is wrong, then she may find a better method of showing she is upset.

In a relationship where both partners physically abuse eachother, the only thing I can say is from an outside opinion. That can't possible make you happy! You can't possibly love somebody who would hurt you, and hurting them back does not make it okay. This type of relationship is beyond my comprehension, but I can not see happiness or love fitting anywhere in all that hatred. That hatred is the key in several of the other types of abuse.

After physical abuse, there are many other kinds of abuse you may never even recognize. You may be the victim, or you may even be the antagonist. It is important to learn about these types of abuse to live a healthier, happier life. In some cases you have to end a relationship to work towards the unconditional happiness we all deserve. In some cases, a relationship can be worked on. (If the latter is possible, it is important to acknowledge that it does require a lot of work, time, and patience.)

There is emotional abuse. In a healthy relationship, both partners should support eachother, even if they disagree. A healthy relationship does consist of two separate people, both entitled to their own individual feelings and opinions. Even if those feelings and opinions are in complete opposition, they are feelings and opinions. Neither is more 'right' or 'wrong' than the other. Questioning your own feelings or opinions can lead to severe emotional difficulty. It can make you a very weak person, unsure of your individuality, and it can be very invisible.

Sometimes even subtle comments we don't realize we make can be damaging. For example, if your partner tends to be a bit selfish, a good partner would point out how that selfishness can be damaging. An abusive partner would criticize that partner negatively. Even in a teasing tone, it can be hurtful. Granted, selfishness can be a negative trait, but if it perceived negatively and not understood then it will only lead to more negativity.

Another similar, equally invisible abuse is mental abuse. When you are constantly cutting your partner down (or vise versa), even if it is meant to be playful teasing, it can go overboard. Feelings do get hurt easily, even if we pretend not to care. A little teasing here and there is okay, as long as both partners are laughing together.

In a healthy relationship, both partners support eachothers goals and dreams. The best part of committing yourself to another person is having somebody to share life with. Somebody to support and encourage every idea you have, no matter how ridiculous it is. In a healthy relationship, both partners make eachother feel good, period. Any negative feelings can be damaging.

If there are any negative feelings, it is important to recognize them, acknowledge them, and do something about it! If you can change it, change it. If you think you may have been hurting your partner, ask them. Maybe they haven't even realized. If this is the case, you will totally be able to turn these things around. Maybe they have noticed, but they have been harboring their upset feelings as 'something small'. Feelings like that grow, so it's important to catch them while they're still small.

The bottom line is that relationships are never a 'happily ever after' fairy tale ending. There are real personalities, real differences, and real problems. You can change those unnecessary internal problems! You're supposed to be a team. A team will be weak if there is any drama preventing them from being on the same side. No healthy relationship can function with an opposition to eachother!

So drop the drama already. Work towards getting on the same track.