Abusive Relationships: When to Leave

The right time to leave an abusive situation is at the very first sign of abuse.

I have worked with survivors of domestic violence, and their children, for more than 7 years.

One thing I have found is that while many women believe that "things will get better" abusive relationships get progressively worse, NOT BETTER, over time.

While there is an extremely small percentage of abusers that do stop battering, this is usually only after a history of criminal charges for domestic violence, or assault, and the completion of a lengthy (1-2 years) highly intensive Batterers Intervention Program. The actual percentages of batterers who really "change", is between 10 and 15%.

Battering is not a crime about anger. Although most batterers will apologize later, and tell you they "just couldn't help it" they "lost their temper" or they simply went "out of control" the opposite is true. Battering is intentional, and well-calculated. As an example consider the man who comes home, and "after a bad day at the office" simply "loses control, and blows up at his wife and children." Yet if the man is so out of control, how is it possible that he didn't explode while the problem was occurring? He waited "to lose control?" Would a man who is angry at his boss, or angry because he had a bad day at work, and "loses control" be able to wait until he gets home to do it?

Aside from what the batterer tells you about his inability to control himself, it's becomes apparent that his "loss of control" is not so uncontrolled.

The Battering relationship is not about the abusive person "being out of control", in fact it is about exactly the opposite.
Domestic Violence is all about "power and control."

It is one person seeking to control another with threats, force, acts of violence and by instilling an intense fear of injury or loss. It is not the perpetrator but the victim who becomes "out of control."

In this type of relationship the abused person soon believes she has few, if any choices, in her life. She feels trapped, and lives in fear of her perpetrator. She is most likely afraid to leave the relationship, based on prior acts of violence, and threats to end her life, or take away her children. She may have limited freedoms, in regards to working, or socializing. Her relationships with family and friends are usually harmed by the abusive relationship. She may have few financial resources as well, because of the abusive partners control over finances. In these and many other ways, the victim is slowly "taken over" by her batterer. While she may once have been a confident, out going, stable individual, over time the battering relationship consumes her, and she may become withdrawn, timid, afraid, and sadly "trained to obey" the abusive partner.

A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect. Neither partner feels the need to control, over-power, or harm the other. There is no excuse for violence. Ever.

If you are seeing signs of abusiveness in your partner, right now is the time to end the relationship. The chances of your partner changing or "getting help" for "his problem" are extremely slim.

Several years ago the Surgeon General declared Domestic Violence an Epidemic in the United States. Did you know that Domestic Violence is the number cause of injury to women in this country? It ranks above car accidents, muggings, robberies and accidental injuries. Given what we know about the number of unreported domestic violence incidents, it is certain that the rate of reported injuries is much higher than what the statistics already tell us. We know that women often "make up" an excuse for the injury, when seeking medical treatment. "I slipped and fell." or "I tripped on the stairs." The reality of Domestic Violence in America... women are dying right here in this country, at the rate of 1 every 5 days. Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten. Innocent children get caught in the crossfire, some are injured, many are killed trying to protect their parent.

No matter how long you have been in your abusive relationship, today is the day to get out! You may feel alone, but know that you aren't alone. Across America there are domestic violence shelters that offer help, hope and support. The first step is to call someone. All shelters strive very hard to protect a clients rights, and their confidentiality. No-one else ever needs to know that you made that call. Talk to a trained professional about your situation, even if you aren't sure if your relationship is abusive. Many woman have trouble seeing the relationship for what it is, while they are in the middle of it. They feel torn between the love they feel for their partner (when he is acting kindly toward them) and the fear they have for themselves.

Your partner isn't "all bad." No-one ever is. Batterers have a side that is sometimes caring and kind. They promise to change, and to "never do it again".
You want to believe him.

Even if you decide to stay in the relationship and give him another chance, it's also OK to reach out for help, and to get information about your choices.
It's ok to take care of yourself, and to seek help from someone outside the relationship, who may be able to help you gain a better perspective.
Abuse counselors are trained to listen, give you information, and support you in whatever choices you make. Their role is to empower you, and to help you get back in control of your life. You will not find judgment, pressure, or criticism, but a caring individual, who will talk with you about your options, help you plan for your safety, and give you a list of local resources that you can utilize to educate and empower yourself.

The National Hot line is a good place to start, to find counseling, support groups, or safe shelter in your area.

Call 1-800-799-SAFE for more information, and to start taking care of you.