AC Assignment Ideas that Don't Suck, Stink, or Blow

In three months as a happily, drastically underpaid, mostly (not entirely!) ignored CP at Associated Content, I have responded to three "Calls for Content": the political haiku contest (which I lost), the call for Halloween poems (my poem about store-bought Halloween costumes netted a whopping 22 page views in four weeks), and the scary story contest (again, I lost). I'm not upset that I lost either of the contests or that my poem performed so pitifully. Okay, maybe I'm a teeny bit upset, although I admit my haiku weren't stellar. Let's just say that whenever I browse the "Calls for Content" now, I can't help but laugh out loud or roll my eyes. Sorry. I know someone's putting a lot of thought into these C4C's, as they're called in the forums. Man, did that acronym confuse me at first! But it's fitting. C4C equals "Cash for Crap," right? True-it's not all crap, and there's no upfront cash for a lot of it.

I'm a vegetarian, and I think it's wonderful that AC is encouraging CPs to share their original vegetarian or vegan Thanksgiving recipes in this month's "Calls for Content." Seriously, though, just leave the turkey broth and gizzards out of the stuffing, and make sure there's no beef or chicken stock in the cream of mushroom soup you use in your green bean casserole, and most vegetarian dinner guests will be thrilled to tears. There's my vegetarian Thanksgiving tip of the day. AC didn't even have to pay me 99 cents for it.

The election-related "Calls for Content" were great for the journalists among us who live for that "I've got my finger on the pulse of America" stuff. Sadly, my finger is never on the pulse of America; I'm afraid someone might bite it off. Sure, we can always claim the "Calls for Content" for local news--gnarly traffic accidents, recent kidnappings, charity events featuring Hannah Montana, and whatnot. But the creative writers here at AC really get the short end of the pencil, don't we? We can't earn upfront payments for any of our poetry or fiction submissions, and it's tough to generate page views outside of the AC community because our work isn't keyword-dense or search-engine-optimized. You know, I've actually considered writing a short story about a blind dog named "Naked Britney Spears"! What kind of depraved, desperate-for-page-views sicko am I, anyway?

But this is what AC has reduced me to. Once a promising writer, future bestselling novelist; now a depressed, degenerate dummy who barely notices the rampant bad grammar, misspellings, and atrocious punctuation errors infesting AC like fertile cockroaches. Well, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. Respond to these "Calls for Content" at your own risk. I can't guarantee page views, but I can guarantee an end to AC-induced resentment and boredom.

1. Interview Yourself. Donald Pennington is swamped, folks. It's time to promote ourselves ourselves (does that make sense?)! No word limit. No lewd photos, please. Cite all your sources. Eligible for performance payments only. (By the way, I've already claimed this one. Look for it soon: "Utterly Shameless Self-Promotion: An Interview with Maria Roth" by Maria Roth.)

2. Naked Britney Spears. Use your imagination. 100 words or less, or at least 30 seconds of video footage. Say it in a haiku, and earn bonus points redeemable on Uranus. As always, please cite all your sources and make sure your photographs are 100% original. We don't want any of that grainy, out-of-focus garbage, either. You want your content featured on the front page, don't you?

3. The Worst Thanksgiving Ever. A maximum of 600 words of flawless narrative prose. We want to hear about the time Grandma baked her parakeet in the pumpkin pie and Cousin Roger got wasted and french-kissed Uncle Ted at the dinner table! Shock us! Make us laugh! Make us weep! We need 100% original, truly humiliating stories. Upfront payment: 1 shiny penny. But think of the performance payments!

4. How to Get 50,000 Page Views per Day. William Shakespeare crafted some of the most beautiful sonnets ever recorded in the English language. We want to read your best original sonnets about your first kiss. Using this title, "How to Get 50,000 Page Views per Day," not only will people actually read your sonnet, but...people will actually read your sonnet! A little white lie never hurt anyone, especially when it benefits starving AC poets.

5. Christmas Gifts for Ugly, Hypoglycemic Kansas City Chiefs Fans. The Kansas City Chiefs can't win a game, and their ugly, hypoglycemic fans can't get a date or eat chocolate cake. Some nice Christmas gifts would really ease their pain. Please list at least 5 appropriate gift ideas. Cite all your sources, or we'll gauge your eyes out with an old rectal thermometer.

6. These People Deserve More Page Views. Do you know any CPs who write consistently wonderful, exceptional articles, poetry, or fiction, and yet can't touch or even see clout level 5? Who are these people? We want to know all about them-their hobbies, their bad habits, their shoe size, their favorite brand of shredded mozzarella cheese. (Why isn't this a legitimate "Call for Content"? WHY?!) Of course this isn't eligible for upfront payment. Good try, though.

7. My Alien-Abduction Story. You don't have to reveal the aliens' names, but we do want all the filthy details of your abduction and miraculous return to planet Earth. In this insightful, 500-word personal essay, we expect to have the following questions answered: What do the aliens want from us? What's with the anal probes? Do the aliens approve of President-elect Obama? Do aliens wear thong panties? Why did the aliens bother bringing you back to Earth when the weather's so much nicer on their planet? Do aliens prefer Pizza Hut or Papa John's? Cite all your sources, sucker, and maybe we'll offer you an upfront payment in the $1.75 range. We might go up to $3.00 if you include photographs of an alien mother suckling her newborn alien baby.

8. Creative Uses for Pizza Boxes. You're going to have to do better than the following: snowshoes, hat, cymbals, mousetrap, litter box. Length: 400-word minimum. Rights: Exclusive. Upfront Payment: "Buy one, get one half-off" Pizza Shack online coupon. Don't forget to cite your sources. We dare you to admit that you have "personal experience" crafting moldy old pizza boxes into bath toys for children.

9. The Last Jedi Standing. Creative prompt: Pretend you're the last Jedi left in the universe. Who would you select as your apprentice ("Padawan")? You have to pass down the ways of the force ASAP because you're dying of an incurable strain of Sith-flu. Incorporate this prompt into a brilliant short story, 3000 words or less. Include the phrase "The Last Jedi Standing" in your title. Really put your heart and soul into this, as it's likely to generate 30 page views or so. Fiction is ineligible for upfront payments. Stop submitting your fiction for upfront payment. We recommend that you submit your fiction to other publications, where it is sure to be rejected, or in contests, where you have to pay someone to read your work, only to deem it unworthy of publication in their lame anthology.

10. Name That Sound. Call for original audio content! Record at least 5 strange, spooky, or hilarious sounds. Make us guess what we're listening to! What fun! (I know a little girl named Hillary who makes the best armpit fart noises you've ever heard. Hee-hee!) The best sounds will be played at our next Town Hall Meeting! Three winners will receive some leftover Halloween candy, deposited into their Paypal accounts. We can't wait to "name that sound"!

I hope these new and improved "Calls for Content" get your creative juices flowing! I can't wait to read and see and hear your submissions. Claim one of these C4C's in the comments section below if you like.

I know how easy it is to get discouraged by low page-view numbers and low upfront payment offers. But just remember: every CP here, even the ones with millions of page views, started off with zero page views. Look at what's possible!

I'd like to claim my own "Call for Content"--number 6--right now, and personally endorse the following CPs: Stoneskin, Morag Mortimer-Smythe, Notes from Joblessville. Check these writers out. They will make you laugh, I promise. Click on their names to magically jump to their CP pages. I don't know any of their shoe sizes, or which brand of shredded mozzarella cheese they prefer. I'll have to find out. Meeting people here is half the fun. Have your AC-induced resentment and boredom disappeared yet? Mine have. Almost.