Academy Awards Show Host Should Be Someone Great

After watching what's his name and what's her story host the Academy Awards broadcast last night, I realized how much I missed the professional comedian. The Billy Crystal's, Whoopi's, Chris Rock's, etc., even David Letterman delivers humor that is intended to be funny, whether the joke works or not. If they don't get the laugh that was hoped for, they'll simply say that the chemistry wasn't right.

But there is one person that I would absolutely love to see host the Academy Awards show. That person is none other than the coolest man on earth, Don Cornelius. Image Don. The only person cooler than Don, is Don's own image in the mirror. Don would be driven onto the stage in that tip-toeing boogie train and say, "Welcome to the hippest Oscar show ever. And you can bet your last money, me hosting this show will make it a stone gas honey."

There would be no snobbish whispering that you often see in the camera shots. No side conversations from the Hollywood big shots. No FCC censorship needed. Don ain't gone cuss on the air. There wouldn't be any other presenters either.

For each category, Don would have all of the nominees come up on stage. There sits the famous Scramble Board. All of the nominees would participate to unscramble the letters to find out the winner. The losers would form a [Soul Train] line for the winner with Oscar in hand doing the funky chicken through the line to MFSB music. Don would do all of the acceptance speeches too.

Don would say, "Denzel would like to thank the Academy, everybody who worked on the film, his lovely wife, me, and all of his fans. Denzel, will you be coming back to do this again?"

"D-m right", Denzel proclaims as he changes his chicken to the Temptation walk.

Then when it's time for the Best Actress Academy award, and when the nominees unscramble Meryl Streep, you can overhear Don whispering to Halle Berry "Halle, you got to get your black back girl. Watch what happens. Watch!" Millions finally realize that Meryl isn't a very well rounded actress, cause she can't even chicken.

The show would end with Don telling the audience and home viewers, "I was just backstage, and yes, I did cuss. I told the producers that I would be doing this again next year, and that Tyler Perry better get some proper." You know the rest.

There would be no need for after parties.