Acceptance - Not Judgment

Acceptance is one of those words which looks deceptively simple on the surface but actually has many nuanced layers which wreak all kinds of havoc when we attempt to put the "acceptance" into practice.

The first and most basic definition of acceptance is "the act of taking or receiving something offered." Taking or receiving is pretty innocuous for most of us since it doesn't mention how we're supposed to "feel" about whatever it is that we're taking or receiving. I may not care for some of my son's friends but I can "receive" them into my home from time to time. I may hate fruitcake with a passion but I can "accept" the gift of one from a well-meaning neighbor in order to avoid being rude.

However, as we delve into a few of the more precise definitions of acceptance that is where many of us begin to experience a few difficulties. "A favorable reception, belief in or agreement;" those are the definitions of acceptance which may cause many of us to become very nervous.

Part of the problem is that when many of us say that we are showing "acceptance" in actuality what we are really demonstrating could perhaps be better described as "endurance." We remain "chin up" in situations which we may find to be barely tolerable. But if we can somehow manage to "put up with" whatever is going on without blatantly unkind words, sarcastic smirks or exaggerated rolling of the eyes we somehow feel compelled to congratulate ourselves on how wonderfully accepting we are being.

And yet, who among us has never said, "I just want other people to accept me for who I am"? When we utter this plaintive cry I'm pretty sure that most of us desire more than simply being "endured" by those around us. We're looking for "a favorable reception" and perhaps even outright appreciation, friendship and perhaps even love under the broad umbrella of acceptance.

But, why then, if it is human nature to long for acceptance from others, do most of us find it so difficult to offer acceptance to those around us? Despite our penchant for quoting the "Golden Rule" when it serves our purposes, it would seem as though we are not taking the admonition to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Matthew 7:12) completely to heart, when it comes to demonstrating acceptance.

While some might be tempted to place the blame on selfishness, character flaws or the inherent "evil" of human kind I think there are simpler and far less sinister factors at work here. First, human beings are creatures of habit and therefore are more comfortable and "accepting" of people, places and things that offer us familiarity. Secondly, human beings (and perhaps especially those of us are citizens of the United States) like efficiency.

We are always in a hurry; we like to take shortcuts and invent gadgets that will help us accomplish more in the least possible amount of time. The skills needed to become a truly accepting person, however, may not necessarily mesh with this "git 'r done" mentality. Finally, there are many of us who are not secure and accepting of our own strengths and weaknesses. Bestowing or withholding acceptance from others around us provides us with the illusion of being "in control." We clutch the imaginary sense of power that accepting or rejecting others gives us as tightly as a toddler grasping a teddy bear.

Demonstrating true acceptance, especially of people who differ from us significantly takes effort, time and patience. We can't accept that which we don't understand and we can't understand that which we don't know.

But a lot of people tend to "follow their instincts" and "stick with their own kind" to such an extent that there is never an opportunity to know, understand, accept and hopefully appreciate the person who is different.So, if we are really serious about becoming more accepting as individuals or as a nation, there are some concrete steps that we all have to take. First, we need to break the power of "habit" of remaining always in familiar territory. None of us are going to become more accepting of people of different races, religions, sexual orientation, political views, social classes, etc. if we don't make the effort to know these individuals personally.

Plus, we can't expect to meet these folks by frequenting to the same places and engaging in the same types of activities, day after day and year after year.

Next, we have to understand that acceptance isn't an "instant" kind of thing. We can't just "add water and stir" or pop a relationship into the microwave. To know people well enough to really accept them we have to listen, not only with our ears but with your hearts, minds and spirits as well.

Finally, we have to realize that gaining personal power over others by either rewarding them with acceptance or punishing them with rejection is just an illusion. Business consultant Beverly Flaxington says that people generally have a need to "fix other people" as a result of a lack of self-acceptance. If we focus first on accepting ourselves we can then employ the same strategies and techniques when it comes to accepting others.

Learning to accept the unique qualities both in ourselves and in those around us is challenging to be sure. But consider what the world would be like if we could conquer widespread self-rejection as well prejudice and intolerance toward others that is fueled by fear; how cool would that be?