Accepting Death when There is No Burial or Memorial Service

When my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack it was as if he just disappeared off the face of the earth. He had pre-planned the disposal of his body through a local cremation society so all my grandmother had to do was call a telephone number and they took care of everything. The service arrived at the house, took the body away, cremated it and scattered the ashes in the ocean as he had requested. No memorial service, no burial.

This immediate departure of the body put my grandmother at a loss as to how to grieve his death. Because there had been no need to plan a funeral, no memorial service and no casket or urn to bury it was as if he had just left for the day and would return momentarily. Wanting to fulfill his last wish of no expensive funeral or service she didn't plan any type of service for family and friends. But not having a means of saying goodbye left her in a state of limbo for many months to come.

The funeral or memorial service is imperative to acknowledge the reality of the death of a loved one. It gives the family a forum that allows them to grieve openly with the support of others. Without this forum, acknowledging the death is difficult. It is harder for those who are left behind to come to terms with the loss and begin to move on with their lives.

While many people who plan to have no service or burial think this will make it easier on their loved ones the truth is it is more difficult for those left behind. While they wish to follow the wishes of the departed, they also need to mourn their loss in a way that will help them feel there is finality to the person's life.

If you have experienced the loss of a loved one who requested no memorial service or funeral there are ways you can try to reconcile the death without betraying their wishes. Trying one or more of these suggestions may help you start the process of letting go and moving on with your life.

1. Make up a scrapbook of the life of your loved one with pictures of them at different ages, important events, likes, dislikes, favorite foods, etc. This will help you celebrate their unique life while leaving behind a record of the person for future generations to enjoy.

2. Having no gravesite to visit can be difficult for the survivors. Instead you could plant a tree in a favorite spot of the loved one with a plaque memorializing them. A large boulder with a plaque in a favorite place can also be used as a memorial site. Or you could donate a bench with a plaque to a local park. Be creative and you are sure to find a way to memorize your deceased love one in a way that would have made them happy.

3. Have a celebration with friends and family on the birthday of the deceased, not mourning their death but celebrating the life they had lived. Ask friends and family to bring mementoes from their relationship with the deceased and to share touching stories. This positive gathering of friends and family is a good way to finalize the life of your loved one in a way the deceased may have approved of.

4. Gather together photos of your loved one doing the things they loved, like traveling, fishing, hiking, skiing; anything that they did and enjoyed throughout the years. Also gather family photos and photos of favorite friends. Find music that the loved one enjoyed to compliment these photos and have a video or DVD made. You can have copies made for friends and family so they can share in the happy times and favorite music of the person they have lost.

5. Set up a memorial with pictures, stories and memories on a website that specializes in this and share with family and friends. Everyone will then have a chance to enjoy the site and add comments to it about the loved one.

With a little creativity you can come up with ways to memorialize your loved one and help yourself begin to heal from your loss.