AC/DC - Black Ice Album Review

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that AC/DC is the dumbest, ugliest, uncreative band ever -- and I mean that as the highest compliment.

I have only two bands that I refuse to put into "shuffle" mode on my iPod: AC/DC and KISS. Both are equally stupid, equally spectacular, and put me in a blissful coma where every song title includes variations on the words rock and love, the guitars are accentuated by a greasepainted blood spitting demon or a duckwalking shorts wearing midget, synchronized pyro errupts that singes your short and curlies, and several cannons randomly fire giving a 21 gun salute. I cannot listen to either of these bands in an "iPod Blend" as when the guitar intro of Dirty Deeds Done Detroit Rock Cheap begins, all I want to do is disconnect my brain and let their verse/chorus/verse/chorus/solo/repeat chorus take over my corrupted soul.

I am a very, very simple man.

AC/DC has never bothered to shower ( I'm confident Malcolm still smells like Cobo Hall in '77) or change their clothes, just their bandmembers. Their first lead singer, Bon Scott, choked and died on his own vomit, I still have no idea who plays bass, and Spinal Tap offers better job security for drummers. None of this really matters as the only constants - brothers Young (Angus and Malcolm) - know that all you need is one thing in Rock and Roll:

THE RIFF.

Quick history lesson: Since 1973, Angus Young has been wearing the same sweat-soaked schoolboy outfit (now in Hugh Hefner red velvet), churning out Chuck Berry inspired licks and spazzing his 5 foot, 13o pound frame all over the fucking stage in search of a case of Ritalin. Although they were very popular in their homeland of Australia, none of their efforts in the 70's time even broke the U.S. top 100 until the end of 1979.

It was that year that AC/DC's label paired them with future superproducer Mutt Lange (Def Leppard, Shania Twain boinker/divorcee) to perfect their formula and make them more accessible. They put out Highway to Hell that year, it hit #17 on the charts, and then Bon Scott decided to drink his weight in Southern Comfort, turn green, and realize that Hell wasn't a bad place to be. Mutt and AC/DC then lowered Bon into the ground and before the first shovel of dirt covered his grave, found an alcoholic Australian with the world's most generic name (Brian Johnson) who looked like an evil Leprechaun with an affinity for black wifebeater T-shirts and wool caps, and a daily routine of eating 3 packs of cigarettes for breakfast.

In 1980, with their new lead grunter in tow, they ecstatically sprinted back to the studio, snorted an 8-ball, cranked out the billion selling Back in Black, and created the music required by law to be played at all televised football games before every 3rd down. It should also be noted AC/DC's BIB is, at 22 million copies sold, the 5th highest selling album in the U.S. EVER and that since 1980 the majority of AC/DC's output has been as appetizing as a bacon and shit sandwich. Let me list the albums over the last 28 years and see if they conjure up any

memories.

For Those About To Rock

Flick of the Switch

Fly on The Wall

Who Made Who

Blow Up Your Video

Razor's Edge

Live

Ball Breaker

Stiff Upper Lip

Side Note: In one of the most bizarre compilations ever, the Who Made Who album was actually the soundtrack to the Stephen King cinematic failure called Maximum Overdrive starring Mighty Duck boy Emilio Estevez. This atrocity was directed by King when he was at the pinnacle of his drug addiction and the plot revolved around machines seeking revenge like Coke machines that would shoot Sprite cans towards your head until you died. The author of It, Carrie and The Shining felt that his masterpiece could only be improved with the musical majesty of AC/DC.

Looking at the list, you probably only remember the albums in bold as they are the only ones that had more than one or two songs that wouldn't make you throw your LP/tape/CD directly out the window.

The best output from AC/DC or their moronic twin KISS has always been when they are working with a solid producer. When you are creating mind-numbing songs that focus on power, underage sex, the size of your balls (BIG) , and either getting struck by - or in KISS' case - BEING a God of Thunder, you need someone to say "That is simply too fucking stupid and I forbid you to record a song called Hard as a Rock and put it on an album called Ballbreaker." Um, too late.

With the exception of For those about to Rock and the Razor's Edge, AC/DC had no such umpire.

Which leads us to their soon to be released album Black Ice. It is produced by Brendan O'Brien (Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Rage against the Machine, and. uh..... Jackyl) and by having "black" in the album name suggests that this could be another BIB. I have decent hopes for this album for the simple fact that 4 out of the 15 tracks have "Rock" in their title and they have a solid song called War Machine, a title that KISS already used back in 1982. Yes, they are now borrowing song titles. The album is also being sold only as a Wal-Mart exclusive in a business deal where Wally World has already pre-purchased 3 million copies of Black Ice to be on their shelves by next Tuesday.

Yes, in our current music industry of singles vs. album downloads (AC/DC is not available on iTunes) a band that's been around for over 30 years is going triple platinum on the day the album is released.

Maybe they're not so stupid.

Also, all their classic (read superior) Bon Scott led albums of the 70's (read obscure) have been remastered and released and available for only $7.00 at Walmart. Here are the albums that you must purchase immediately...if not sooner in order of pure rock power that will cleanse you of the polished crap of today. All of these are complete slabs of non-protooled genius but Powerage is by far their most underrated album and kicks the living shit out of anything released since 1978. If you only have $7.00 in your bank account, buy that one.

Powerage: Down Payment Blues, Rock and Roll Damnation, Riff Raff

Highway to Hell: Night Prowler, If You want Blood, Girls got rhythm

Let There Be Rock: Go Down, Hell ain't a bad place to be, Whole Lotta Rosie

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap: Squealer, Love at first feel, Big Balls

High Voltage: Live Wire, Long way to the top, The Jack