Ace Ventura Jr.: Pet Detective

Think back to 1994 when Ace Ventura: Pet Detective hit theatres. There was what could have been called a comedic aura gracing the entrance to every movie house where it was playing. Now, some 15 years later, we look back to the original Pet Detective to set the stage for his son, Ace Ventura Jr. played with "oomph" by Josh Flitter. The kid has some talent, I'll admit, but I won't be making much more than that by way of positive admissions.

What I will admit is that I found the movie intensely difficult to watch. Everything right after the first five minutes was as hard to hold down as a habanero on an empty stomach. And yes, I'm throwing in the grace of being less critical that is due a kid's movie--and one that never made theatres, but is going straight to DVD.

The only viewers who will not be shocked beyond belief at the horrible writing are children, young grade-school viewers. But I predict that many a third-grader will see the need to ridicule it while standing in the lunch line of every elementary school in America.

How horrible of writing is it? Glad you asked. Wanna know how the original Ace Ventura died? He was flying north to save geese when his plane went down...over the Bermuda Triangle! Bad enough writing for you? There's more.

In the almost totally juvenile world of Ace Ventura Jr., security guards not only allow intruding 12-year-olds into court rooms to obstruct proceedings, but they carry a 135-pound Olympic barbell and carefully place it on the tresspassing kid's back at his request for the purpose of conducting an in-court forensics examination of footprints in soil (If you're going "huh!?" to that remark, that's ok. You're just normal. If you see the movie, it will painfully make sense!)

In Ventura Jr.'s world, bad singers break glasses, and skunks that get farted on curl up in a ball in disgust (Note: it seemed to be a goal of the writers to highly encourage youthful flatulence. No, sir, no maam, I'm not kidding!) I can't describe it all because you wouldn't want to read a review that long. Just know that everything is so painfully goofy from beginning to end that even kids will spot logistical problems and be alarmed at the frequency of stumbling security guards, noticeably fake animals, kooky adult animal activists that pose in swimming trunks, and gi-normously stupid antics that would make a reindeer blush.

Young Ace Ventura Jr. doesn't know he had a wavy-haired dad who gave his life in the service of preserving animals, and he doesn't know that his mind for minding animals can play a key part in freeing his mother who is accused of stealing a world-famous exotic panda bear being kept at the town zoo where she works. Just let all beware that Jim Carrie is not in this movie. Not only is Jim Carrie not in the movie, the closest shot of him is in a picture and is a back-of-the-head shot where his face isn't shown. It would have been nice if Jim Carrie did fit in somewhere. That way maybe this production wouldn't have turned out to be such a stinker. But he's not, and so we're all out of luck!

There are plenty of good kid's movies made, but this is not one of them. Beverly Hills Chihuahua is a masterpiece compared to this. Stay away! Even being near a copy of the DVD (to hit shelves March 3) just might be as as toxic as the farts from Ace Jr.'s butt!

(JH)