Active Listening Skills with Your Children

When it comes to listening, children see you as an authority figure whose words and direction have great importance. But kids need to be truly heard as much as adults do. Sure, it's easy to nod your head and fake a conversation with your kids because they may not call you out on it like your spouse would. But they need you, the authority figure, to help them sort out these thoughts by actively listening. You just have to adjust some of these techniques according to your child's age and maturity level. Consider these suggestions the next time you hear "mom and dad, I need to talk to you".

Full attention works both ways. Yes, a child's issues may not seem very relevant to your real-life issues. But to your child, those issues are just as important as gainful employment. It's not that they don't care about family priorities- they just don't know better.

You still have to use those active listening skills that you already possess- eye contact, positive body language, and repeating key points among them. They will value those moments the more you do them, especially if you get them while they're young. And they might turn out to be those teenagers that actually talk to their parents and trust their advice versus ones that never learned to trust their parents to listen in the first place. Some of those kids grow up to listen to other people that they see as authority figures and actually listen, no matter how positive or negative those figures are.

Timing is everything. Along with your willingness to listen, your children need to know the most appropriate times to get your full attention. You might feel like you should be able to talk to your children anytime, anyplace about anything, but there is an element of reality that doesn't always make that possible. A full-blown conversation while you're cooking dinner isn't going to do either you or your child justice. And trying to have a deep conversation right before the SATs may do more harm than good.

When you have the conversation is just as important. Timing is easier for the younger children because those conversations tend to be shorter. You can fit those in before bed time or after school. Older kids might require larger time blocks, like after dinner. So plan your day appropriately if you know a big talk is going to happen.

Listen beyond their language. In heated moments, we parents can succumb to correcting our child's word choices and even his tone of voice. While disrespect is never appropriate, listening is the priority in this moment. Try to direct the conversation into a more private setting and then let him speak his mind. Just listen with minimal interruption; eventually he'll calm down. Save any corrections for later or after the fact. In fact, try understanding their language and using it when responding. Respect will be given when they know you are listening first and teaching second.

Minimize minimization. Spend less time minimizing their feelings about situations and more time processing it. And adult may quickly realize that he doesn't have to be so angry or things aren't as bad as they seem, but your child doesn't have the real-world experience to see that in the moment. Your teens and tweens might say some crazy, end-of-the-world statements to go along with their emotional rants and venting. They probably don't mean most of what they are saying. Definitely don't ignore any references to self-harm (or worse).

Otherwise, keep sticking to understanding the feelings driving those thoughts versus pushing them away. Just like you, they'll grow up to learn that their friends' momentary words of betrayal or that broken date will be long gone in no time.