Addict and Non-Addict Relationships are Unhealthy

Think of the caricaturelike jokes about "football widows," and there you have the heart of the problem.

While a person can be "addicted" to anything that exists, the basic concepts are the same, and should be clarified for anyone who either is or plans to become involved with someone who has this problem. The defining factor in whether or not a person and his life is run on addiction is whether it meets the criteria of "gotta" and "more." When someone has this compulsion, it is usually difficult for one who does not to fully understand it-- or to understand where, if anywhere, she fits into the picture.

While it's generally obvious that the object of one's addiction is all-encompassing and his primary focus, that fact can be set aside for a moment in order to bring up an equally important factor, which is not always as obvious: Addiction is a Lifestyle. For those contemplating a relationship with such a person, it cannot be stressed too strongly that if you are not a part of that lifestyle, all the odds are stacked against you-- as an individual, and for any measure of a successful relationship. You will find yourself in a position similar to the football widow-- fading into the background, while the "game" goes on without you.

In her book Are You the One For Me?, author Barbara DeAngelis takes a hard look at this subject and states the facts: if you choose to become involved with an addict, and you yourself are not one, you will be in a position of competition-- and you will lose. One may be tempted to snicker at the thought of the women who are in an invisible role in the kitchen while the guys gather around the Sunday ballgame on television; but it is not so humorous, nor is it an enjoyable experience to be in a similar role of "invisible" while her partner goes out bar-hopping or gathers with his buddies to "get high."

The 12-Step Program "Narcotics Anonymous" refers to addiction as one's "disease." Consequently, the non-addict who becomes involved with one is said to be "living in their (the addict's) disease." It is not enjoyable, it is not pleasant, and it will wreak havoc on your self-esteem and your own life. As DeAngelis points out, you will be in competition-- competing for his time, his attention, even his affection-- and you will lose.

You may cling to the point of view that his addiction and the lifestyle really don't matter, will not cause any ill effects, and that you can have a happy relationship regardless-- please do not delude yourself with this belief that "love will conquer all." Likewise, let go of any thoughts or hope you may have of "helping" the person, for even if he expresses an interest in coming to terms with his problem and doing something about it, your "help" will eventually be dismissed as interference, and it will be resented.

When someone is deeply into whatever he is addicted to, and deeply into the lifestyle surrounding it, he has very little to give and little ability to receive. In the interest of your own self-preservation, there is only one common sense stand to take: that it is a sign of maturity and a strong sense of Self to be able to walk away before it takes a toll on you-- before your priorities are undermined, and before you lose sight of who you are.