Addressing Bad Behavior in Children

My husband and I were working our way slowly through an incredibly crowded shopping area in an open-air retail outlet complex. You've seen those complexes; on a weekend day an outlet strip mall can make Disney World look positively barren in comparison. As people accidentally bumped and jostled each other, apologizing quietly and continuously to one another as they trudge cautiously forward, a pair of children came flying down the concourse, screaming uproariously and flailing about, darting through the masses. My danger radar flicked on immediately. "This won't end well," I thought to myself.

Sure enough, before those words had a chance to transfer input from my conscious mind to my physical reflex network, much less to my verbal response system, one of the children, a girl of about six, came slamming into my husband, bounced off him, and landed on the ground in front of him. Alarmed and confused, my husband stopped dead in his tracks. The little girl jumped up and, screeching hysterically, ran off, her voluminous screams amazingly eclipsed by those of her mother. "Watch out for the children!" The mother shrieked at us.

I took a deep breath and immediately pushed back the temper tantrum that was trying to jump up from my gut and out my throat. With a light, but controlled touch, I pressed my husbands hand and continued forward. "What was that?" my husband asked. "Errant child, she's okay," I responded.

But, the mother wasn't finished. "WATCH OUT FOR THE CHILDREN!" she hollered again. I stopped in my tracks, as did the crowd around us. I signaled to my husband to let go of my arm and turned to face her. Looking her dead in the eye, I responded with two words. "He's blind."

The woman's jaw dropped, and she stared at me for a moment, stunned. Then her face crumbled like that of a cartoon character, as the bigger picture, the one she had been unable to take in as she tried to keep track of her unruly children in a chaotic environment, suddenly materialized for her. "I'm sorry," she said, and it was clear that she was more than sorry; she was horrified.

I took my husband's hand, placed it back on my arm, and lead him away, leaving her standing amongst a huge crowd of strangers, all of whom had noticed her children's behavior, not to mention my husband's dark glasses and cane. And there she stood with a screaming child and a mortified conscience. In retrospect, I feel that my action in that moment was also reactive and wrong. The damage had been done, the necessary information had been imparted- would a few gentle words from me been so hard to return us all to a slightly more peaceful place?

This may seem to some like an extreme example of what we all experience every day with children behaving badly and without discipline, both at home and in public places, but my experience tells me that it is not so extreme. I run a pediatric clinic in a major U.S. medical center, and the examples I see of deficient, lackluster, inconsistent, and even negatively enabling parenting styles can be pretty hard to swallow. I see children swearing at their parents, with no fear of repercussion. I see them arguing with their parents in public and getting their way once the parents are too weary to continue the argument. I see them causing commotions and running ruck shod over everyone in the waiting room of my clinic, which is shared by other sick children and concerned families, until if becomes my job to step in and return order, often to the obvious resentment of the parents. At the risk of sounding like an old crone, it just wasn't like this when I was a child. What is going on?

Let's face it, parents are tired, and they no longer know their children the way parents used to. Two parent, single income families are a thing of the past. With the rise of single parent homes and homes where both parents are working, usually both full time, and there being a finite number of hours in the week, the quality time parents get to spend with their children often coincides with other activities, like chores and appointments. Fast food and microwave meals are selling at an all time high, with no end in sight. We live in a different world today.

Nonetheless, there has to be some way for us to adapt to our current environment without sacrificing the much needed guidance and discipline our children are crying out for. After all, it's not the child who is running dangerously and inconsiderately through the throngs of people who is ultimately responsible for the discomfort of the people around them; that responsibility falls to the parent that is in charge. It is the very, very tired parent that is in charge.

Let me jump in right here and state, unequivocally, that I love children. As I mentioned earlier, I run a pediatric clinic where I work with children from all walks of life every day. I live across the street from a playground, and I adore listening to the sounds of the kids running, jumping, playing, and, yes, screaming, making all kinds of noise, tearing around the playground. I think that the creative expression of children as they learn more and more about the world around them is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I do not believe that children should be "seen and not heard."

Nor do I think that most children are unruly, or that most parents are remiss, quite the opposite. In my daily work I find that the vast majority of children are well behaved and respectful of the people around them, and as tired and tightly stretched out as they are, most parents are doing an outstanding job providing guidance and discipline to their children. However, it is clear to me and to the people I speak with, both personally and professionally, that the problem is growing, and rapidly.

So, what can be done? Well, there are the obvious answers. One might suggest that one parent in the household eschew from working until the children are all of school age, and then to work only during school hours during the children's formative years. One might… I won't. It's unreasonable and dismissive in today's economy to suggest that families would be able to survive, much less thrive, under those parameters. However, there are a few things that can be done to the benefit of the children, and to the resounding relief of the people around them.

1. Don't be afraid to be the heavy. One phenomenon that has been on the rise in years of late has been a need for parents to have their children like them, and to like them all the time. This appears to be a direct result of too little time spent with the children, and of the guilt that accompanies it. Parents have got to steel themselves and set that guilt aside. The fewer appropriate boundaries you set for your children, the less respect they will show you. Having a close relationship with your kids is a wonderful gift, but it is not one of the primary responsibilities of being a parent. If you can't say the words "no," "stop," or "now" to your children, they certainly aren't going to learn to hear and respect those words from anyone else. Not only are you sidelining your own abilities as a parent, you are setting up your children's teachers, camp counselors, babysitters, and anyone else you entrust the care of your child to. If your children haven't learned limits from their parents, they will never accept them from anyone else.

2. Stand by your decisions. Once you have said "no," stick by it, no matter how long, loud, or exhausting your child's response becomes. As soon as your kids learn that they can change your mind by arguing, they will wield that weapon every time they don't get their way. It's one of the basic principles of behavior modification. Once this occurs, you will not be modifying your children's behavior, they'll be modifying yours.

3. Don't let the argument go on too long. Having already addressed that you should not let your children's arguments change your response, it is important not to allow them to fight and badger the point too long. Give them a few minutes to state their case, so that they know that they have had their say, then explain why you are making the decision you are making (let's face it, none of us ever learned a thing from the old "because I said so" response), and then make it clear to them that the discussion is over and what the repercussions will be if they continue to argue. For instance: "Jenny, the decision has been made for the reasons that I have just explained to you. If you continue to argue with me you will be grounded for one night," et cetera. And then stick to it.

4. Insist that they behave appropriately in public. We all have rules of decorum we have to follow when we go out in public, and childhood is exactly the time to learn what those rules are. If your child is in public or in someone else's home, they should be told just what the correct conduct of behavior to be expected will be, and then that conduct should be enforced. By this, I am not suggesting that children sit silently with their ankles crossed, but there is absolutely no reason why they should be crying, yelling, or running in public places, using profanity, putting their feet up on things, or refusing to say "please" and "thank you."

5. Don't be afraid to leave. If you're out in public, and your child is misbehaving, end the outing. If you're in a restaurant and the food is on the way, ask for the bill and leave the food. If you're half way through a movie, walk out. Your child will learn that if he wants to be out doing something special, he's going to have to behave. The embarrassment you might feel walking out will be far less in the long run than repeated occurrences of the misbehavior. Now, if your child is exhibiting the bad behavior because he wants to leave, the rule still applies, but with a modification. The other people where you are do not deserve to be treated to your child's tantrum, but once you have left, do not go right home. Sit outside, or in you car, until your child calms down, and the go home. The next time your child wants to do something special, remind him of the incident, explain again what was wrong with his behavior, and reinforce that you will again leave if the behavior is repeated. This will bring home to your child that even though he was able to get the family to leave the place he didn't want to be, he didn't learn a new trick to be used any time the occasion suits him.

6. Don't fear the tantrum. I see it all the time- parents in the mall or grocery store looking as if they wished the ground would open up and swallow them while their child lies on the floor, kicking and screaming, over something they want and have been told "no." At this point it is going to be too difficult to follow the "just leave" rule, so the best thing to do is to just wait it out with out too much reinforcement being paid to the child. Just stand there quietly until your child winds down (it can seem like an eternity, I know). Try not to feed the tantrum with too much conversation of any kind. Once they're finished, continue with what you were doing, if possible. If you have to leave the store because they continue to exhibit disruptive behavior, try if at all possible to get them to settle down in the car or outside the store, and then take them back into the store and return to your shopping. Do not, under any circumstances, purchase the item they wanted as a reward for settling down. There is an exception to this rule, as well. Should the tantrum occur in a restaurant, movie theater, or any other place where the people around you should be able to expect a certain amount of peace, please do everything you can to remove the child to a safe place outside, and then wait the child out, and take him or her home.

7. Acknowledge good behavior. There is nothing small to a child about a simple "good job" or "you're an awesome kid" from a parent. Use reinforcement generously when warranted, and make it worth your child's while to be good.

The world has been progressing sociologically and economically since man became bipedal, with eras of varying degrees of success. If we can't adapt our behaviors to address our current social conditions successfully, then the next era will be woefully unsuccessful, with the upcoming generation at its helm. Our children should not be required to determine their own models for good behavior or set their own moral compasses. Our kids start out good, and thrive on our responses, positive or negative. Let's try to help them learn from our experience, not from our inertia.