ADHD: The Active Calm

I started an ADHD medication prescribed by my doctor the other day. I had been told it would either make me bounce off walls, or would help improve my ability to focus. I was given the option of trying it or not trying it, and decided that I wasn't able to manage my symptoms on my own, so figuring I didn't have anything to lose by trying something that had a 50/50 chance of helping or not helping, I opted to try it. The first day I took it, I didn't notice a lot of difference until about 3 hours after I took my first dose even then it wasn't a huge difference, but it was noticeable. I began to realize that within me there was a calmness beginning to build. I observed the calmness and experimented with trying different things, some tasks were things I normally found to be easy to accomplish while others were ones I found extremely difficult and some were somewhere in between. What I discovered was that the calmness wasn't just a calmness, but that it was what I have decided to call an "active calm". I say this because it felt as though the dozen or so tornadoes I had previously had causing chaos within my head, had diminish into a single tornado that was slower moving. I found that this single tornado while it still tossed ideas and thoughts around in my head, it was a gentler tossing of them. I was now able to pluck one idea or task out of the tornado to work with while the tornado slipped into the background playing quietly with all the other thoughts or ideas. This is my third day on the medication, and each day I find I'm able to accomplish more with less frustration. I am hoping that this active calm continues and allows me to further my accomplishments, but in the event that it disappears or becomes elusive once again, I will discuss it with my doctor and see what can be done to bring back this active calm.

I know some people think that doctors aren't approachable or that they don't want to hear what the individuals think or feel about treatment options, but what I've personally experienced has demonstrated that yes, doctors do want to know how I think or feel about a decision they are considering. I have several doctors I receive treatment from for various things. My psychiatrist is who I'll be focusing on though because of the recent addition of the medication that has created a sort of "active calm" inside of me. I have had many conversations with my psychiatrist about what makes me tick for lack of a better description. I've learned that the more I can tell him about what I'm feeling, or how my mind is allowing or not allowing me to processes information or even what kinds of changes there have been in everything from my interactions with others to how I interact with my service dog. I have discussed what it's like for me to try and accomplish things I set out to do, many of which have remained unfinished but I'm hoping that this new medication may be useful in helping me to accomplish the things I want to complete.

When I saw my psychiatrist this last time, he asked me how my concentration was and if I had noticed any differences since I had been taken off of a different medication. I explained to him the whole feeling of having a dozen tornados in my head causing internal chaos. I also told him that my ability to keep up with day to day tasks was a struggle and that I was using an enormous number of reminders to help keep me on track and taking care of things that to most people seem to be automatic. I described some of the reminders and told him that I wanted to be able to get away from those, but that once I left the room the task that needed to be done in that room was something I became totally oblivious to until the reminder kicked in. Not because I didn't want to do whatever it was that needed to be done, but because there was so much chaos inside my head that I wasn't able to keep track of what needed to be done without the external reminders.

He offered a prescription for a different ADHD medication but told me that there was a 50/50 chance it would work so he wanted to leave the decision up to me as to whether or not I wanted to try it. As I said before I felt I had nothing to lose by trying it, and decided that the gamble was worth it in that there was a chance it would help. My point to all of this isn't that I was put on a new medication, but that through open, honest communication with my psychiatrist we were able to come up with something that had a chance of improving my life. Yes in a sense it was a leap of faith, but when you reach a point where you feel like you exsist in a state of constant chaos that begins within you, then sometimes it is a good thing to take a risk. Had I gone into see my psychiatrist and told him everything was fine and that nothing out of the ordinary was happening, he wouldn't have known I needed help with something I couldn't solve on my own. Psychiatrists have a lot of education, but their training doesn't include mind reading. So their weakness is that not only are they human, but they have no way of knowing what the needs of their clients are unless the client tells them what is wrong or even what is going well. Telling a psychiatrist the good, the bad and the ugly gives them a better idea on how to fine tune the treatments they offer you which in turn help you to be better equipped to overcome personal obstacles and reach towards the hopes and dreams that once seemed impossible to reach.

For me, being proactive enabled me to formulate this paper, which is on a topic I've wanted to write about for some time, but wasn't able to because of the dozen or so tornadoes ripping apart my thought process. I have other dreams which may be revealed in future writing. For now I hope that those who read this will take the time to ask questions and explain their symptoms and needs to their doctors. Keep in mind though that when it comes to medications, there is a certain amount of trial and error used by doctors. It isn't that they view you or I as guinea pigs, it's a problem of medications having certain traits in how they work, but that these traits don't always work the same in everyone. Don't expect miracles when you work with your doctor, but do expect that your doctor will look at a complete picture provided by you and then offer what he/she feels will offer the best chance of helping you with your symptoms. Maybe with time and effort, you too will find your version of "active calm" as you learn to work with your doctor.