ADHD and Parenting: Key Steps to Restore Influence in Your Child's Life

Living with a child with symptoms of compulsivity, lack of self control, higher-than-usual frustration levels and myriad other behaviors can seem exhausting at times. How can you manage your child at home, in school and in public? A very wise man once told me that the most important thing that you should have as a parent is influence over your child. The best way to help your child overcome ADHD symptoms is through using the tool of influence.

Influence is the ability to effect other's behavior, actions, opinions, etc. It is not too late to gain back or increase your level of influence in your child's life. I know because I have lived through the tough season in my son's life when my influence over his choices was cut off. The cut off was a result of my behavior in his life. I had seen his loving ability to tell me detail after detail about things that fascinated him as bothersome. I had seen his conversations as incessant chatter. Because of my not showing interest in his ideas and dreams and interests I had pushed him away relationally which caused him to look for someone else who would listen to him.

The problem was that at that time in his life there were not many adults who had the patience and or insight to spend the time listening to him. As a result he turned to peers and older "cool" kids. He would get from them the attention that he so desired from myself, his dad and other adults. These new found influences would laugh when he was rude to adults, they would snicker when he got in a fight and they basically encouraged every behavior that needed to be removed rather than rewarded. They themselves were never as brave as he was in the face of authority they were the quiet voices of encouragement that his behavior was cool. This became a scary time for me. I realized that I had very little influence over my child.

This was a time of crying out for help. I knew that I needed to regain my son's love for me and his belief in my love for him. I repented..meaning I acknowledged that my behavior toward my son had been wrong and I turned from not listening to him as I should have. I sought God for help and He pointed me to others who helped me regain my influence in my son's life. The following steps are the process which lasted several months of regaining his trust and thus my influence in is life. The process seemed slow at first but I stuck with it and it seemed like several "suddenlys" took place. Suddenly he would give me hugs again. Suddenly he would bring me a glass of water or sit next to me rather than on the other side of the room. Suddenly he began sharing with me again and declaring his love for me again.

Step One: I began to have fun with him. I made a point to spend time alone with him doing what he wanted to do. This was a big deal to him as he has two little sisters who he sees as taking all the attention in the family. At first it seemed that he had no interests or desires to have fun with me. He was locked up and I was the outsider. Initially I won him over by taking him for impulsive trips to get a treat and talk. He began to trust me again and began to talk and talk. Eventually I was able to influence him to start a sport. I surprised him with a bike parked out in front of the house. The bike interested him for about a month and then he forgot about it. I introduced skate boarding and it did take some convincing to get him to see it as interesting. He did end up taking a great interest in it and this gave us something else to do together. His dad or I would take him to various skateboarding parks. These times with him created more of an influence in his life because he would open up to us when we were together. Even if all he talked about was a game that he had played with school, I now knew to treasure that discussion. Try it out... go for walks in the park, fishing, skiing, keep on until you find one, two, or even three things that you enjoy together.

Step Two: I listened to him. I listened to his dreams and desires. He did not ever state this is my dream..instead I listened to hear a theme. His theme was money. He wanted to make money. I responded to what I heard and I helped to create his dreams with him. Thus I became his cheer leader and helper and created more influence. You can do the same thing. Listen to your child and listen for the themes...they will reveal to you your child's deepest desires and or hurts. Respond to them. Help your child begin to accomplish those desires. I helped my son by encouraging him to ask the neighbor if he could mow his lawn. I honestly did not know if my twelve year old son could complete the job without quiting or grumbling and complaining.

He surprised me and he increased his self esteem so much that day. And I still remember his complete joy over receiving the $20.00 payment from the neighbor. He kept that job and then began talking about doing other yards. I then helped him get a connection doing yard work for a additional $20.00 weekly pay. He grew so much doing this work. He made relationships with adults gaining their respect for his determination and excellent workmanship. His extra energy was being focused into serving others and he was gaining money. This was a huge stepping stone in his healing and in my influence in his life. He even influenced some of his friends to help him work. The same concept will work for your child.

Listen to what your child is saying and create avenues based on the information that you gather from your child's chatter. The chatter may reveal a desire for photography, painting, art, computer, playing in a band, scuba diving, or making lots of money like my son. You may need to purchase computer lessons, guitar lessons, the resources are limitless. Do a search on line for local children's programs. Check out the library for possible programs that will meet your child's interests. You can also check out the larger local new papers in your area on line they sometimes have listings of programs and events for kids. Search until you find something to bring the pleasure of the future into the life of your child now.

As I regained influence in my son's life I was able to train him and teach him how to handle situations better. I was able to gain respect for his concerns. I learned that he did not like getting a lot of directions at one time. I made him feel overwhelmed and like he was being yelled at. Our relationship has really grown through the above steps. I also must mention that at the same time we went through this season we also began dealing with diet change. You can check out these other articles that I have written for further ideas on how to change diet. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/981364/adhd_changing_a_childs_diet_will_improve.html?cat=5
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/981368/organic_mania_whats_the_hype.html?cat=5