Adopted Children & Their Birth-Parents
Advise from Adoptive Parents
Our youngest, on the other hand, was only 2 and really didn't have any memories of where he came from but knowing he was adopted, he would ask us about his past and we answered him with minimal but truthful facts according to what we thought was appropriate for his age. We never lied to either of our sons.
Our oldest son rarely asked any questions compared to our youngest son who always wanted answers and promises to find his birth mom when he came of the legal age of 18. When "A" turned 18, he was still in high school. I got a phone call one day from a mediator who was representing A's bio-mom. She asked to speak to my son who was still in school and asked when she could return the call to talk with him. When she called back, she ask "A" if he was willing to accept a letter from his biological mother. He answered "yes". A week later, a letter came in the mail and he read it then handed it to me. In the letter, his mother addressed him by the name she had given to him at birth. (let me note that "A" chose on his own to chnage his first name when he was adopted. We did not change it.) His birth-mom expressed her love for him and explained to him how she never wanted to lose him and how the DCS tricked her into giving up her parental rights and she didn't do anything wrong. She wanted to meet him.
Knowing that part of this letter was a lie, I asked my son if he planned to write her back and he said yes. I told him that if he did, I wanted him to read his adoption papers first and understand why he was placed in foster care before writing her back. I placed a copy of the paperwork in his room and it was there for 2 weeks before he decided he didn't want to read them or write his bio-mother back. I asked him why? And he said he was afraid she'd find out where he lived. Even after I assured him she would not find out, he said no, he changed his mind.
Our youngest son, S, on the other hand, was a totally different story and one that I wish I could go back and re-play a different way knowing what I know now. He turned 18 in January and he was a senior in high school. A few weeks after that he asked me if I would find his bio-mother. I replied that I would as I had always promised him growing up and it was then that I began my search. Little did I now that within a couple weeks, I would find her and she was only 35 miles away. I called a number and left a message with the wrong person but that person knew her and relayed the message and she called me one afternoon. Yes, I was excited. I found her. We made plans to meet that very afternoon in a neighboring city at a local restaurant. S was in school and I was about to pick him up in a couple hours. I called my husband at work and told him of the plans. He got off work early to go along.
As he got into my van at school, he knew by the look on my face that "something" was up. I told him of the news and he was ecstatic! What took place the next few weeks, I would have never imagined. We met his birth-mom, "C", and my son's 2 younger half-sisters that afternoon. She told my son the same lies as my oldest son's mom told him. She was tricked and she "knew" who his birth-father was. In the DCS notes, she was only 15 at the time and had no idea who out of 5 men that it was. This proved to be true later in the next couple years.
He went home with them to meet his birth-mom's boyfriend and see where they lived then they brought him home that evening. What took place within minutes of walking in the house stuck me like a knife in the back. I felt betrayed. He asked me if he could show his "mom" his bedroom. I said "you mean "C"? I thought that was my worse nightmare but no! He couldn't get enough of the new family. I can understand it to a point but I figured visiting every weekend would be enough. Well, this proved not to be true. This new family was totally opposite of ours. (Of course!) Believe it or not, in less than 2 weeks after meeting his birth-mom, he quit school and moved out of our house and in with her!!! Quitting school meant he would not be going into the Navy that he had enlisted in as he would no longer be getting a diploma. I think this was the worst time of my life. I felt so rejected and hurt. I know my son still loved me but he had this need to fill a place inside himself that only this woman could fill, whether I believed she was appropriate or not. I cried all the time and became depressed.
Well, that was 6 years ago and a lot has gone on since. He still has a relationship with his birth-mom but he now knows her true colors. She lied to him so many times, his head was spinning. And I always wondered why he had a problem with lying. Do you suppose it's hereditary?
My sons and I had a great relationship now and "S" knows he can trust me to always tell him the truth. He knows God placed him in our family for a reason and admits he'd probably be in jail or dead if "C" had brought him up. I asked my oldest son, "A", if he ever changed his mind about meeting his birth-mom, that I would still help him find her. And his reply made me happy, I think. He said I think one mom and dad is enough!
If I were to give an adoptive parent advice on searching for birth-parents, I would advise to wait until your child is out of school (graduated) or after they have children of their own. Oh, how I wish someone had advised me.
Published by C.E.Brown
I am the happy wife of my husband for 32 years and have 2 sons, ages 28 & 32, 2 grandson, age 3 & 3 1/2 years and 2 cat, ages 5 & 11. (updated Dec. 2011) View profile
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14 Comments
Post a CommentI am the biological parent of 3 children who were adopted out. I commend you Ms. Brown for being willing to help your children find their birth parents. Not all parents are what society calls bad, yet their are some that are. I for one had many health and mental problems that made it impossible for me to care for my children the way that I knew that they should be cared for, my first two went to live with my ex-in-laws and the 3rd one went to live with some friends of mine. The oldest daughter contacted me when she was 32, she spent a week with me. At that visit she brought my 3 grandcildren with her, during her stay I saw history repeating itself. She was not even able to get up and take care of her children in the morning during the visit. I took care of them while she was there. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and grandchildren very much and still only want the best for her and her children. After 3 years of back and forth conversations and letters, she then told me she neve
I think your story is good and is only portrayed as your experience. The ones that were offended obviously are dealing with guilt of their own and taking the story as personal when it isn't. It's not written about their situations. I enjoyed it.
I am sorry that my experiwence disgusts you. Every situation is different. And telling it like it is is not beliettling but stating the facts, plain and simple. Not having positive comments is totally from my perspective and can be different in other families. I NEVER said this was a textbook story of all adoptive stories, did I? If my situation was balanced, I would be able give a balanced story, however it wasn't. Can you give a balanced story? Be my guest. As an update, my son has now renounced his relationship with birthmom. It was totally his decision. It's been over a year. And god forbid, if he woudl ever need a match for any health reason, I would not hesitate to call her. We both still love the same son.
In reading your article, I can both commend you to opening up your home and adopting these two beautiful boys. However, i am disgusted that you would belittle the natural parents. Your sons comment is insensitive and at best should have been left out of this article. Have you ever thought that someone in your children's natural families might read this? I've noticed that you have not said one positive thing about the natural parents. If it weren't for those natural parents you would not have your sons. No matter what your individual exp was you have bent this story and implied the perception that ALL BIRTH PARENTS ARE BAD. This is a myth. Just like all adoptive families are not just in it to receive a check. I would have hoped that you presented a more balance view of both sides of the coin but you haven't. Here is food for thought,have you ever thought that God forbide if one of your children should become terminally ill and need a match and the only way to get that match was to test
I agree. I too am a single biological mother of 4 who actually raised 2 of her children for quite a number of years (they were 10 & 12), before I made the hardest decision of my life. To voluntarily sign over my parental rights. Both of these children had emotional & psychological problems that at the time there was no answers for. And yes, I tried everything. And yes, DCFS DOES lie and say things about you that aren't true. How I wish I knew then what I know now. I have always and will always love ALL of my children. Both of them have been adopted, but I do have a good relationship with both. But believe me when I say that just because a biological parent has given up their rights to their child it in no uncertain terms means that the biological parent is bad. Maybe in most cases, but not in mine. I was and still am, a single parent, living on & off of welfare, doing my best that I can to raise the other 2 children I still have at home. And yes, I was asked by one of my children who w
My advice remains the same whether the birth parents are adopted or not. I belive she is too young to be given so much to deal with and would not be able to deal with it maturly until she is out of school or married with children. If it happens before hand, I think you will be dealing with alot of emotions and problems at home and in school.
My situation is a bit different. My family adopted a 2 year old that also happens to be a niece to our family. She was taken from her birth parents at 9 months old and placed in foster care. We tried and tried to get her to live with us starting at age 9 months, but the birth parents refuesed to let her live with us. The birth parents had 2 years to get their lives together before DFCS and the state terminated their rights. They had a drug problem, that was more important to them than this wonderful little baby. This child is now 6. Her birth parents have since split up and her birth father would like contact. We, her adoptive parents, are not interested. What are some suggestions on how the birth parents and adoptive parents can come to terms? Has anyone else out there been thru this? Can anyone give me some tips? I am not opposed to her meeting her birth parents, but she is 6. I personally would like to wait till she is in her late teens to "meet" her birth parents. Tha
I am sure everything you say is true. I only spoke from my experience. You mentioned that "they" are also HIGHLY judgemental about parents who are in abusive situations - uh yes, and it ought to be. Children's safety is most important. No child shoudl live in an abusive situation....PERIOD. I hope your children look for you. I am sure they will.
fight alot with them. But I have also had a positive experience to. But please tell me how in one province I had a deeply disturbing experience and yet doing nothing different in another province then I did with my other two I am one month from having my youngest baby home? Yes DCS does fail, they are not always for putting familes back together, so please just know that just because a file says something doesn't make it truth. All it is, is hear-say and should be taken as just that. You don't know the situations these birth parents have been in and you don't know where they come from. You don't know situation by situation anything that has been altered. So please when you think of parents whose children have been taken do know there are some cases that could have been different then what you are seeing on paper.
As someone who is on the other side of the fence you speak of I can honestly say that 2 out of 3 with DCS of my experiences were the most horrible experiences I have ever had. I worked very hard with both my other children and yes DCS can and does make stuff up about parents. They say they are for reuniting children to their parents but they are also HIGHLY judgemental about parents who are single and on welfare or who are in abusive situations. Its parents like you that think the worst about all parents that makes me scared that my children are never going to want to find me. I was 18 when I had my first I was FORCED to give up my oldest due to the fact that DCS in the province I was living at, at the time I signed over my rights thought that I was not capable of taking care of two young children single and on one income. I worked very hard to do what they wanted me to. I was also shaken and confused. I can't say that I was totally and utterly innocent because I wasn't, I did fight al