Adopting a Child: Challenges Gay Singles or Couples Face

In the United States, you can find one state (Vermont) that specifically guarantees the right of gays and lesbians to adopt. You will also find two states (Florida and Mississippi) that specifically forbid or restrict it, and 48 other states that deal with these adoptions on a case-by-case basis, meaning that some adoption petitions are approved and some are declined, and often the only difference is where the petition is heard.

The following are issues gay singles or couples are likely to face with adoption:

Here are some challenges you are going to deal with if you are a gay or lesbian trying to adopt a child.

• The challenge of finding an agency that accepts gay or lesbian applicants: Many fundamental, faith-based adoption agencies have requirements that eliminate gays and lesbians. In addition, any agency that limits its adoptions to legally married couples also does not accept a gay or lesbian parent.

• Birth mom preferences: Most agencies require your "gay or lesbian status" to be disclosed in the profile so that the birthmother can make an informed choice of the family situation for her child. Many birthmothers prefer straight couples over gay or lesbian couples. For some birth mothers, however, it may not matter.

• International restrictions on gay adoptions: In international adoptions, some countries restrict adoptions to exclude the gay or lesbian parent.

China, for example, requires the home study to include a statement regarding the sexual preference of the applicant. Other countries do not require the question to be asked.

Although some people may suggest that you can get around these restrictions by keeping your sexual orientation under cover, I do not recommend that you take this path for the following reasons:

1. First, lying is not necessary: Even without the adoption agencies or countries that will decline your application, you still have plenty of opportunities to adopt.
2. Second, as in-depth as home studies are, hiding such a fundamental part of who you are is almost impossible; not only would you have to explain significant relationships in a different context, but think of the family photos you'd have to take down. Finally, you count on your agency and the birthmother to be honest; you owe the same to them.

• Your status as a couple: If you are a gay or lesbian couple wanting to adopt, you face the same issues that unmarried heterosexual couples face.

Opportunities that gay singles or couples do have:

Before you quit and think it's impossible for you to adopt, remember that you still have many opportunities.

• Some adoption agencies actually specialize in adoptions for gays and lesbians. One way to find them is to go on the Internet. Type in Gay Lesbian Adoptions and you'll get a list of many resources, including links to adoption agencies, facilitators, and attorneys who work with gays. Include your state name in the search, and the resources will be narrowed further.

• Although where you live can affect the number of opportunities available to you, this isn't necessarily a barrier if you're open to interstate adoptions. If you live in a state that is hostile to adoptions by gays and lesbians, you can adopt from a state that is more open to that situation.

• Another option for gays and lesbians are the arranged opportunities for parenting in the gay community. A female member of a couple may choose to be artificially inseminated and give birth to a child, which her partner may then adopt. A male couple may ask a female to be a surrogate parent for them and then one male would adopt the child when it is born.

Expect to answer the same types of questions during your home study and have the same type of discussions that heterosexual parents face, as well as the following:

• Issues related to being part of a nontraditional family: These discussions focus on how you plan to prepare your child to deal with the taunting, rude comments, questions, and so on that he or she is likely to hear as a member of a nontraditional family.

• Issues related to only one parent adopting the child: In most adoptions by gay and lesbian couples, only one partner will actually adopt the child. So expect to talk about the arrangements for the child if you and your partner break up in the future. Would you both, for example, remain committed to the child?