Adopting the Unadoptable Child

Our oldest daughter came to us at age 7. We were her 8th family and she had two previous failed adoptions. The last family who tried to adopt her called my wife and me when they discovered the adoption wasn't going to survive their family unit.

Her social worker with Los Angeles County deemed her "unadoptable" and he was going to place her in a group home indefinitely since she failed two placements that were supposed to be permanent. But another worker argued before a judge for her to stay with us since we were her last chance for a "normal" family life. We were as ready as we could be. Here are some of the strategies we put in place to prepare for her arrival.

#1 We brought a team together
The team included my wife and me knowing we were going to be tested. But the team also included our family psychologist and an empathetic social worker with the private agency that certified us. We met a few times before she arrived. Our worker also tried to get the LA County worker on board but he never returned any of her phone calls.

#2 We anticipated her needs
Let me point out we didn't form any conclusions immediately based on her behaviors. But we knew about her stealing and anger shown in other families. We read as much as we could. Okay, I'll admit from a dad's perspective. My wife did the bulk of reading on issues such as attachment disorder and practices like holding therapy.

#3 We prepped our other children
We kept a discussion simple since our others were ages 9, 6 and 3. Our then 9-year-old is the brother by birth so we talked about a happy reunion with his sister.

#4 We committed to learning anew
We were already a veteran foster-adoptive family of 5 years. My wife is a family nurse practitioner and we had already been through dozens of hours of training with the foster family agency. Nevertheless, we knew we would have to learn "on the job." We would not be able to predict the future.

#5 We bought a larger house and we waited to move
LA County said we would need a larger house even though the home we were in was large enough. It was one of the smartest financial moves we could make in hindsight since the house has more than tripled in value during the past 13 years. Our house was in escrow but we refused to move until she was placed with us until we could move as a family.

#6 We built bonds at every moment
We were homeschooling our two boys and we chose to include our daughter, too. We went camping and we got her involved in the choir at church.

#7 We had regular therapy
We had two meetings per week with our family psychologist, a person we respected greatly. Our social worker with the private agency, a woman we respected, was seeing our daughter on a regular basis, too, as well as our oldest son.

Now fast forward to the present day, 13 years later. Did our strategies help? She works part-time during the week as a cashier at Target. She didn't finish high school and she is a mother at the age of 20. She lives with us and we are the primary parents for our granddaughter. And she refuses to take medication that could stabilize her moods.

Her best friend has decided to move to Las Vegas and she may still move. But with a move supposedly taking place in a week she is now hesitant to leave. She does take our input on occasion regarding her daughter.

But the one crowning achievement at this point in her life and in our parenting is the fact that she accepts us as her parents. She has never criticized us for adopting her. Last year, we were sitting in the kitchen and she was complaining about our family and one of our boys told her to leave home. She became indignant and said, "I'm every much a Simkovich as you are." She identifies with our family. That, in this context, is where we have succeeded as adoptive parents.