Adoption from an Adoptees Perspective

My daughter recently decided she wanted to tell her side of the story from the viewpoint of an adoptee. The following is her story, in her own words.

Let me start by saying that I am writing this in the hope that it will help open some minds to the effects that adoption has on the adopted child. I have seen numerous articles that tell about the birth parents view of the process but very few if any from the adopted child's point of view. So, here is my story and I hope you enjoy reading it. I also hope it helps anyone out there who might be considering search for their birthparent, or who is in the middle of a reunion and is struggling with conflicting feelings about how to react.

I have always known that I was adopted. My adoptive parents always told me that I was "special". As I got older, people would ask me if I thought about finding my birth parents and I would always reply, "Yes, I think I might try to find them one day after I get married, and have a life of my own". So much for that idea, because my story doesn't happen that way. My birth mother found me instead.

I was still in high school, not quite 18 yet, when my birth mother first made contact. Honestly, she couldn't have entered my life at a worse time. I had many very bad things going on in my life at the time and this new stressful situation didn't help. I remember the night my parents called me into their room and asked me to sit down because they had something to show me and talk to me about. When they showed me the letter my birth mother had written to them, I thought it was a joke at first. I just kept asking them if they were serious.

After I got over the shock and talked with them about this, I decided to wait a while before contacting my birth mother until I had more time to sort things out in my mind. One night after I came in from work I decided to give her a call. I remember dialing her number and asking for her. When she came to the phone, I told her who I was and at first there was nothing - just silence! I thought I had made a mistake in the number and had just freaked out a stranger! Turns out she was just in shock that it was actually me calling her. We both started laughing and crying at the same time. We talked for a long time and decided to try to call or write each other as much as we could.

Little did I know that my adopted mother was freaking out over this! As the days went by I started noticing that my adopted mother was acting stranger and stranger over the fact that I was enjoying hearing from my birth mother. This change in her behavior was merely the calm before the storm! As my 18th birthday approached, my birth mother decided that she was going to come out to see me for the first time. This is when things really started going downhill with my adopted mother. She totally freaked out! She thought in her mind that my birth mother was going to try to take me away from her! Of course at the time I didn't know really know how to comfort her to make her understand that would never happen. Like I said earlier, this point in my life was bad anyway, and now all of this was happening around me and I really felt like I was loosing control.

When the day finally arrived for me to meet my birth mother, I was a bundle of nerves to say the least! At the last minute I decided to ask my dad to follow me to the restaurant where I was meeting not only my birth mother, but her mother and sister also! Talk about pressure! I have always been able to count on my dad no matter what. He of course was glad that I asked him and said that he would go. I asked him to stay until I let him know that I was comfortable being with them. I arrived a little before he did because I tend to drive with a bit of a lead foot. I remember pulling up to the red light across from the restaurant and spotting a white car pulled towards the road. I knew she was driving a white rental car, but that's all I knew. I decided not to turn in to the parking lot just yet. Instead, I went straight and circled around to take see if I could tell who was in the car. When I passed the car, I somehow just knew right away that the people inside that car were the ones I was supposed to meet! That is when the nerves really kicked in! I called my dad on the cell phone to find out where he was because I was not pulling in that parking lot without him there for support. He arrived and we park at the other end of the lot. We both get out and talk to one another for a second before I turn around and finally see my birth mother for the first time. I can't begin to tell you the emotions that I was feeling at that moment. I was happy, yet not happy. I was scared, yet not scared. We all went inside the restaurant and got a table and ordered. My dad didn't stay too long because he could see I was able to handle the situation and he wanted to give me my space. I honestly don't recall too much about what happened after that. I do remember that we just kept looking at each other and noticing how much we looked alike, did things alike, etc.

I think that after this meeting is when we both went a little crazy with the whole trying to get to know you thing. Instead of trying to take our time, we both tried to cram 18 years into a matter of a few months. This is when things started to go wrong between us. We would try to get together several times but they would just end up terrible. We both said and did things that were hurtful and wrong. Sometimes we would try to talk about it and then other times we would both let it go because we were unsure of each other. Let's just say that our relationship was very rocky. There was even a period of time that we didn't communicate at all. I want you all to know right now that my birth mother and I are very much alike in the bullheaded department!

More time went by and then one day I was talking with my husband and he and I decided that it was time to try to "reconcile" with my birth mother. I called her up and we had a long talk and worked out many things. A few months go by and she came out for a visit. I have to say even to this day it was the best visit that she and I have had. We both let our walls down and just truly enjoyed being together. After she left I felt like a huge void was missing in my life. My husband decided that for our anniversary that year he was going to buy a ticket for me to fly out to see her. I did and we had a great time. I not only got to see and visit with my birth family but she and I also got a chance to bond even more.

Several years have passed since then and we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. Although when we do, we try to make the most of the time we do have together.

If you are reading this and are an adoptee or birthparent, the main point I hope to convey is that you have to give people a chance to find out who they are and not judge them while they are trying to do that. Also, remember this very important and valuable lesson (a lesson my birth mother and I learned the hard way) - TAKE YOUR TIME AND LISTEN TO EACH OTHER! Try not to rush things.

I also feel that everyone has the right to know his or her family if they choose. If an adoptee wants to know their biological history then they should have that freedom without being made to feel guilty about it.

On the other hand, there is more at stake in an adoption situation than just you and your feelings. If you have a situation like I did with your adopted parents, don't get mad with them. Try to sit down and talk about your feelings with them. Trust me, it will make things go a lot smoother! I would also like to say that I love my parents very much and I appreciate them. They raised me the best they could and tried to give me every advantage.

Also, I hold a very special place in my heart for my birth mother and her family. They will always be a part of my life no matter what. I love them and hope to continue our journey.

I hope my story and tips will be useful to someone. Adoptee tip: don't let anyone guilt or shame you into doing, or not doing, something you feel in your heart is right. Adoptive parent tip: Try not to be jealous or feel threatened if your child wants to know their biological history or birth family. Birth parent tip: Take it slow and let your child set the pace of the relationship.

There are so many more intricate details I could include, but just writing this much has taken a bigger emotional toll on me than I expected. Perhaps I'll write more stories later and share other aspects of my story. Such as the different stages of joy, anger, bitterness, denial, and eventual love I have gone through with my birth family to get to where we are today. Or the guilt my adopted family made me feel for wanting to communicate with and get to know my biological family and how we still struggle to overcome some of those feelings.