Adoption and the Conspicuous Family: Several Things You Should Consider

In our adoption process we were required to do several online education sessions regarding the aspects of adoption. An important session was regarding what life was like to be a conspicuous (distinctly obvious) family. As we read the scenarios and meandered through the exercises we believed that this was good information, however it probably was overstated. Not so. This was one of those situations where unless one is head first into it, one just can not understand the gravity of the condition. A conspicuous family is one that stands out in a crowd. A blond haired family with a Chinese daughter or perhaps a brown haired family with an Ethiopian son. One family member is distinctly different than the rest.

Our soon-to-be three year old daughter is adopted from Hunan, China, and though our entire family has dark hair and brown eyes we still receive numerous questions and comments when out in public. To clear up the family dynamics let me explain that my husband and I also have two teenage biological boys who look very much like us; we are not first time parents.

When one is a conspicuous family outsiders seem to take liberties and feel it is appropriate to ask any question that comes to mind. We have received so many inappropriate questions with our adopted daughter that we never ever received with our two biological sons.

Here are some suggestions of what not to ask conspicuous families, and also some ideas on how to handle situations when one is on the receiving end. All these questions have been asked to me in every form imaginable. With each response remember that your child is watching how you handle the situation as a guideline of where she/he stands in the family. When strangers come up and chat with my daughter then proceed to ask questions she will hide behind me. Even at a young age they know that for some reason they are being singled out.

1. Never ask "how much did you pay for her/him."

Though the first time this was said to me I simply walked away, I am now more aware that the person did not mean malice in asking. However it doesn't mean they are entitled to an answer either. To educate the outsider, here in this article, I will tell you that no one "pays" for their adopted child. They pay for the paperwork, legal fees, travel expenses, etc. The response can be from something humorous as, "Well, how much did you pay for your divorce? Suburban? House? Mistress?" you get the idea. Just as intrusive as their question is-is how intrusive your response can be. Or you can be more direct in stating, "I really am not open to discussing my financial information with you. If you are truly interested in adoption I can give you our agency information." Ninety-nine percent of the time people get the point and walk away; occasionally they don't. One lady bombarded me all throughout Costco with questions, following me through the isles as I walked away from her. Each time I stated, "Well, see you. Have a nice day. Gotta get my shopping done." If you really want to know the cost of adoption, then do the research yourself. Go online to adoption agencies, or phone various adoption agencies for information. Never assume that the adoptive parent is going to answer your question as if asking about the weather.

2. Never ask, "Where did you get her/him?"

This statement though seemingly harmless lends itself to the idea that one just went to some country and picked out a child as if picking fruit. A much better question, if you really have to know is, "I see your daughter is Asian, is she from China?" This would illicit a better response from the adoptive parent than the first. I've had both questions put to me. The first by an elderly gentleman in an elevator. With no where to escape to, I simply asked, "Are you wondering what her heritage is?" To which the kind gentleman blushed and said, "Yes, excuse my abrupt question" and proceeded to apologize for being so insensitive. The latter question was presented to me at a local grocery store by a mother of three blond haired, blue eyed, girls standing beside her. Immediately my chest tightened as I think of all the intrusive questions and usual statements that come with such a question. Sighing of breath of defeat I responded, "Yes, she is Chinese." Thinking in my mind, here it comes all the questions and looks. The woman surprised me by saying, "Yes, I thought so. We just sent our dossier to China a couple weeks ago and are so looking forward to adding another daughter to our family." My entire body relaxed. Here was someone who would understand our family dynamics. "Wonderful!" I said, believing she would want to chat more about the process, to which she replied, "It really is...enjoy your day," and they walked away.

3. Never presume the conspicuous family is a first time parent.

This is an important to remember as more and more adoptive families are older in age. They are not the parents in the twenty plus age group. In fact both parents must be the age minimum of 30 in order to adopt from China. Many adoptive parents have older children, some grown and living on their own, others are in our case of having teenagers. Though some adoptive parents are indeed first time parents it is not a blanket statement that should ever be made. When people see me with my Chinese daughter they seem to assume that I don't know what I am doing as a parent. One case in point is when we were doing the grocery shopping and the bagger took the groceries to our car. She was an elderly lady far beyond my forty years of age, and was starting to load the grocery into the trunk. I had not put my daughter in her car seat yet because we were going to a shop next to the market, so she was standing behind me at the side of the car. The bagger repeatedly told me to put my daughter in the car seat; "You need to put her in the seat." Over and over. I would smile and say, "Yes thank you." At one point the lady stopped loading the groceries and refused to do more until I put my daughter in the car seat. I thanked the lady for her concern but proceeded to explain, with a bit more determination than before, that we were not leaving the parking lot yet because I had more shopping to do. She then nodded and continued her job of loading the groceries.

Another situation of this sort came when my daughter and I were at a Burger King in Germany. An Asian lady approached our table and boldly stated, in English, "Asian babies like rice, not French fries." Completely surprised by such an act, I burst out laughing much to her chagrin. I then smiled, aware that she indeed was not joking with me, and stated, "She seems to really enjoy them though." The lady nodded and left the room.

These intrusive situations are numerous and I have only listed the top three, in my mind, as to what are important when one notices a conspicuous family. Being on the receiving end of such conversations is sometimes difficult and our daughter is very much aware that the conversation is regarding her. This is why parents need to be aware of their response, because the older the child becomes then the more cognizant of how different they are to the rest of the family. This can potentially beget self-esteem issues as well as self confidence issues. A child knowing that they are accepted and secure in the family regardless of what outsiders notice is invaluable. Adult responses also teach siblings how to appropriately respond to such probing questions when they are directed to them.