Adoption Etiquette Primer

Welcoming a new child into a family is a cause for joy. While most people are aware of the etiquette when friends and family give birth to a child, many are unclear on what is and isn't appropriate when the new child is adopted.

While you may be curious about the adoption process, remember that there is a time and a place for such queries and not all of them are acceptable.For example, do not inquire as to why the child was made available for adoption and do not ask how much the process cost. If your inquiries stem from considering adoption yourself, make that known, as it may make some borderline questions more acceptable and help the family understand that you are not merely being intrusive. That said, do remember that decisions the family has made about the child's future relationship with its birth family are not any of your business.

Do not make assumptions about the child's health or the background of his or her biological family. This is especially true in cases where an older child who has at least some awareness of the circumstances of the adoption is involved. Regardless of the child's age, it is deeply offensive to suggest that a child who has been adopted is somehow defective. As with many inappropriate queries and comments surrounding adoption, these sorts of remarks aren't just rude but are also an invasion of the family's privacy.

Similarly, do not make assumptions about why a family has chosen to adopt, or, if the circumstances are known to you, do not make statements that imply that the child who has been adopted is somehow not fully a member of the family.

While it should be obvious, the following sorts of statements - which are rude, judgmental and imply a lack of love for the child who has been adopted - are always inappropriate:

"How sad you can't have children of your own."

"I could never love someone else's child like it was my own."

"Is it strange to you that he used to live somewhere else?"

"What will you do if you wind up having your own baby?"

Additionally, comments on the suitability of the adoptive parents are never acceptable. Surprise that a couple has been allowed to adopt is deeply offensive. Similarly, this is not the time for political discourse in the case of international or interracial adoptions, adoptions by a gay or lesbian couple or an adoption by a single parent.

Remember that the adoptive family is the child's "real" family. Do not use this word to refer to the child's biological parents. It is rude and disrespectful to all concerned and may also create confusion, especially for an older child.

Appropriate etiquette towards adoptive parents doesn't stop with simply not being rude. Rather, there are positive things you can and should do to recognize this momentous event.

First, be sure to offer your congratulations. Welcoming a new child into a family is a big deal and an exciting event and should be recognized in the same manner you would any family bringing home its newest member. A card, a phone call or a gift are all appropriate actions depending on your degree of closeness with the family and their wishes.

Next, remember that a new child means a lot of new work for any family. If you are close to the family and feel it is appropriate, offer whatever assistance you may think is appropriate.

Be sure to find out when the child's birthday is celebrated so that you can send a card or mention your good wishes to the family if appropriate.

The true key to being kind and courteous to parents adopting a child is to remember not that adoption may seem unusual to you, but that they, like any parent, have chosen to go through a lengthy and at times stressful process to welcome a new child into their hearts and lives. Much of that process has surly been deeply personal, even as it is also a cause for public celebration. By sharing your enthusiasm, respecting the family's boundaries and being joyous about the love and laughter a child can bring to a family, you can be assured that your actions towards the adoptive parents will be gracious and kind and that should any misunderstandings arise you will be able to resolve them through listening and learning.