Adoption Language

Adopting a child is a special time, especially if you can't conceive and have waited in desperation for a long time and spent much money in your quest to become a parent.

It's easy to romanticize adoption. There are a lot of clichés that sound sweet if you don't really think about what you are saying, and what they really mean, and how they may make the child feel eventually.

One of those clichés that I heard again recently was "You grew in my heart instead of my tummy." As the mother of both biological children and adopted children, that statement bothers me a lot. All children grow into our hearts, as any mother can tell you. But no child actually grows in mommy's heart instead of her tummy. All children, adopted or otherwise, grew in someone's tummy. There are no exceptions. Children tend to take all words literally. If you tell your child they grew in your heart, they are liable to believe just that, and be quite shocked someday when they learn they came into the world the usual way.

Another common cliché is: "You are special because we choose you. Most parents just have to take what they get." Again, as a biological mother as well as an adoptive mother, I know this isn't true. All children are special no matter how they come into our families. It isn't good for the child to teach them they are more special than other people's children, even if as parents we all believe that. Telling a child they are special because they were chosen sets them up for a playground bully to explain to them that for their adoptive parents to even get to choose them, someone at some point had to 'unchoose' them and give them up. There are better ways to tell a child how special they are to you. Don't make adoption be what makes them special.

One more cliché to think about before using is the term: "Your birthmother loved you so much, she gave you up." If you really think about that, it's kind of scary. Will your child wonder if someday you may love him so much, you will give him up, too? Tell your child the real circumstances of their beginning. Their birthmother probably did give him up because she loved the child and thought she could not take proper care of him. Put this truth in a more detailed, age appropriate way.

It may sound harsh to hear that these romantic sounding phrases are not the right thing to use. But that doesn't mean you can't convey to your adopted child the intense love you feel for him or her. Adoption is the child's "truth" and it needs to be conveyed in truth, too.