Adoption: "I Love My Other Mother More"

When people think about adoption, they usually picture a newborn infant being placed in the arms of a tearful couple who have waited a long time for a baby. It's a beautiful picture, and brings about positive emotions.

But not all adopted children are newborns. Sometimes, an older child needs a new home and new parents. It's possible that this older child will have been parented by one or both of their biological parents before their adoption. In some of these cases, these children have not been physically abused, but are removed because the parents have abused themselves with drugs and alcohol, and because of their addiction, they could not keep the child safe. This was the case with the four year old girl I adopted.

From the start, this beautiful, blue eyed, blond haired child told me she didn't love me, she only loved her other mother. Thankfully, I was prepared for this. Having adopted once before (in addition to my own seven biological children) I was an experienced, older mother, and I had done extensive research on adoption.

What I learned in my research was that the fact that some children remember their past with their biological family, that they are bonded with them and miss them, is a truth that should not be denied or pushed away. For the child's mental health, they should be allowed to express their feelings.

So when my tiny child stood at my feet and declared she only loved her other mother, I told her that I understood that, and it was okay. She did not have to love me, but she did have to mind me, and she had to be respectful. I proclaimed my love for her every time she told me this, adding that I hoped someday, she would love me too. When she told me that when she grew up, she was going to go back to her other mother and never come see me again, I acknowledged that would certainly be an option, although I hoped she would change her mind by then, because I would miss her if I never saw her again. One thing I refused to do was let her words give her any power. I remembered she was only a little child who had gone through a terrible trauma, and I was the adult. I certainly knew that if I had been forcefully removed from my own family and placed in another one, I might have some trouble replacing the first family in my heart, too. So I let her have her feelings. I gave her time. I didn't let her words threaten me. She was a little child and whether she loved me or not, she needed a mother, and I was it. I was committed, even if she never loved me, to raising her to the best of my ability. But I didn't doubt much that she would eventually love me.

And time proved this true. I have sat by her bed while she cries, and listened to her heart, and that has pushed me into action many times. I have invited the first mother to write letters and send pictures to my child, who misses her so much. So far, it has been a good thing, and thrills her when she receives them. I let her say what she needs to say, as long as she is respectful.

Three years have passed now since her adoption. She tells me often that she loves me. I have many crayon pictures with "I love mom" written across the top. One night recently, during one of our long, bed time talks about the first mother, I reminded her that she used to tell me she didn't love me, she only loved her other mother. She smiled and said, "Oh, I didn't know. I love you both."

And that's okay. It's true, and I'm glad she feels free enough to tell me that without hesitation. That she has two mothers is just the truth of her life, it is what it is, and its right for her to love us both. I am the blessed mother who has her in my arms, and I'm thankful for that!