Adoption Opinion: Reasons Not to Search for Your Birthmother

I was born during that time in history when adoptions were hush-hush and pregnant, unwed mothers were sent away to quietly have their babies and turn them over to another family. I was born before Roe-V-Wade so legally, abortion was not an option. I was born at Booth Memorial Hospital, where these pregnant, unwed and normally teenage mothers were sent. I have no hospital listed on my birth certificate and my parents, who adopted me when I was four months old, were told to tell anyone who questioned it that I was born in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

All these things sound horrible; unrealistic in today's society. I realized a long time ago that a closed adoption is not a bad thing and I am happy that my adoption was that way. I will never actively search for my birthmother even when my curiosity gets piqued (which happens about every five years or so).

Respecting the Privacy of My Birthmother

I would hope my birthmother is happy with a family of her own. She was very young when she had me and I pray she had it in her to move on. This woman made the ultimate sacrifice by giving up her child to be raised by a loving family. I respect, appreciate, and thank her for this.

I would never disrupt another person's entire life by showing up on her doorstep with the announcement, "Hi, I'm your daughter!" There are two reasons for this: #1, I don't know if her family even knows about me and #2, what gives me the right to possibly destroy another family?

Respecting My Parents

Note that I didn't call my parents my adoptive parents. In my mind my parents are the people who raised me, loved me, and lived through all my trials and tribulations (especially the teenage years). Now that I am a mom I completely understand how they felt and absolutely know that they loved me as much as their own, if not a little more.

When I turned 16 my mom offered to help me search for my birthmother. Even at that age I said 'no thanks'. I do think that if I would have said yes that it would have hurt them a little (even though they reassured me that it wouldn't) but not enough to take away the love of a parent to a child.

Birth Information

My parents were given some information about my birthmother when I was adopted. This was enough information that if I wanted to begin a search, I could. I did start one in my mid-twenties and then decided against it. I ultimately referred back to respecting the privacy of my birthmother.

Of course, as a nurse, I would love to have a family medical history but with all the information my parents received, a medical history was not among it. This became especially important to me when my children were born. My obstetrician wanted a complete genetic history and I couldn't give him one. I know I'm not the first person, nor the last, who could not offer this information but it is the one thing that has always bothered me.

I don't remember when my parents told me I was adopted. It was like I always knew but I also always knew that it didn't matter to them either. Their attitude towards their daughter is the reason I'm happy my adoption was closed and the reason why I'll never search for my birthmother.