Adoption Can Be Painful
There is a Right Time to Explain to a Child About His/Her Adoption
When we were called by the adoption agency to meet our new addition to the family, I was so nervous because this was my first experience with a baby.
As I held our very sweet, precious looking baby, the social worker handed me a book about the meaning of adoption and told me I was to read this to her as soon as she was able to understand the meaning of adoption.
Well, I made a huge mistake! I felt guilty hearing her call me "Mom" when I knew that I was her adoptive parent. I just had to read this book to her as soon as possible. She was only two years old when I read this book to her, which explains where babies come from and adoptive mothers. I told her that although I was not her real mother, I still loved her very much. She seemed happy about the explanation of adoption and I felt relieved and content with her response.
The delusion of this "happy" occasion came, when one day she came running home from her friend's house crying, "Gina told me that my real mother didn't love me and that's why she gave me up for adoption!"
Published by Harriet Steinberg
A substitute teacher at the Los Angeles hospitals. Teach all grade levels. Also taught elementary school in Los Angeles. Received a certificate in Journalism at Los Angeles Valley College. Raised in L.A.... View profile
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8 Comments
Post a CommentThis is stupid. It sounds like that book you read is really stupid. I am adopted and I have ALWAYS known. It has never bothered me. I have one "real" mom and dad. They raised me and they are my ONLY mom and dad! I have also adopted 4 of my eight children. The adopted children are just as much my "real" as my non-adopted children.
You should not feel guilty - you are her mom. As a matter of fact, you should both feel more special - you CHOSE to be her mom - it was not just by chance.
I was saddened that a so-called friend could make your daughter feel so bad. :(
My children have never NOT known they were adopted. They have also never doubted that they were WANTED. Adoption can be a difficult process, for sure, so adopted kids need never wonder if they were PLANNED. Obviously, they are cherished and valued.
Good info.
I appreciate hearing about this. I can imagine how difficult this can be for you. Never feel guilty. Your daughter should feel the love that you have for her.
very sad, good article.
Harriet, I feel bad that you went through this and that your daughter suffered this traumatic emotional event. Hopefully, she understands that she was chosen to by you to live with you as her daughter in a house filled with love.
I am sorry you felt the need to read this book before it was time for your child. I don't understand how you could feel guilty because you were not her real mother. Being a mother doesn't mean that you give birth being a mother is being there for the child caring and loving the child. I adopted a child out when I was young. It would have been terrible when I was older to think that her adopted mother felt guilty for providing her with a good home and love.
This is sad, but I think it can be avoided by talking to children while they are growing.. many times, if need be to remind them they are adopted and you chose them. An adoptive parent is a real parent in every sense of the word. You are legally her parent. Children should know that for whatever reason their natural parent couldn't keep them, and you chose him/her. I knew someone who found out as an adult that he was adopted, and he was not a happy camper. In fact he hates his adoptive mother now for lying by omission to him. He should have been told from as soon as he could understand... and he should have been told many more times while growing up.