Adult ADHD and Love: Tips for Good Relationships

We've been hearing about ADD/ADHD in children for years, but lately, the focus on this disorder is beginning to include awareness of ADD in adults. For many people, this is a welcome relief, as finally, they are able to put a name to the differences in their thinking and personalities which have often made their lives so difficult.

But what about the people who are close to these ADD adults? We're just starting to have an understanding of what it means to live with and love someone with ADD. This condition can strain romantic relationships, can cause frustrations that are immensely difficult even to understand, much less resolve.

As an adult with ADD, dating an adult with ADD, and as the child of two loving parents, one of whom was also ADD, I've learned a few things about how to make these sorts of relationships work. Here are my tips.

(By the way, for the sake of clarity, I'm using male pronouns to refer to the non-ADD partner and female to refer to the ADD partner. I don't mean to imply anything by this, as the pairing can go either way - it's just to make this article easier to read.)

Know how their brain works.

The first and most important thing you, as a non-ADD partner (NAP) need to understand about your ADD loved one (ALO), is that her brain works differently than yours, because it's lacking a lot of electrical signals necessary to behave as responsibly as she'd like to (see my other article on this subject). Therefore, a lot of assumptions that you might make about the motivations behind her actions aren't necessarily going to be accurate.

For example, it's quite common for an ALO to forget that she's supposed to meet her NAP at a certain time for a date, only to get caught up doing something else and lose track of time. The NAP will often assume that this means the ALO didn't care enough to make the appointment, but in truth, this is almost never the case. In general, it's easy for NAPs to assume that ALOs just "aren't trying hard enough," but usually, we're trying as hard as we can.

Expect apologies, but accept them.

If your feelings have been hurt, or if you've been inconvenienced in some other way by your ALO's ADD-related behavior, you should expect an apology from her - after all, she needs to learn to take responsibility for her symptoms, even if they aren't her "fault." But if she gives you a genuine apology, accept it.

Expect improvement, not perfection.

Many NAPs will get frustrated with a certain behavior in their ALO, and expect that telling her once should be enough to solve the problem completely, and that if it isn't, she didn't get the message. This is not the case - changing our behaviors takes a great deal of time and effort, so if you see any steady improvement at all, even very small improvement, you can be certain that your ALO is doing her absolute best to do what's fair to you.

Positive reinforcement is nearly always better.

Because we are driven so strongly be our emotions, people with ADD are often extremely sensitive to criticism. Moreover, the negative feelings we associate with that criticism will often cause us to avoid the problem in question and thus, to avoid solving it.

On the other hand, positive reinforcement has the opposite effect - if we're complimented on our improvement, we will want to continue facing down the problem and improving. Despite how it may seem at times, it's actually quite important to us to please our loved ones.

Know the right way to express your disappointment.

Sometimes, you have a right to get upset, but always remember that any harsh words or raised voices are going to have twice the effect on your ALO that they would on anyone else. For this reason, choose your reaction and your words very carefully.

I recommend that you avoid speaking out of anger, ever. When you're feeling angry, the best place for you to be is far away from your ALO. Vent to a friend, punch a wall, engage in some primal scream therapy and say all the angry and hurtful things somewhere where she won't hear them. Then, once you are able, return to her and be honest about your feelings. There's a big, big difference between calmly saying, "This made me very angry today, enough that I was screaming insulting things about you," and actually screaming those insulting things at her, and the former will make her understand your feelings and the importance of taking them seriously without doing irreversible damage.

Remember that the good and bad are connected.

For whatever reason, people with ADD often share many extremely positive qualities such as creativity, charm, and a kind, generous character. Chances are, these are some of the things that made you fall in love with your ALO in the first place. Whenever you feel frustrated with one of the difficult aspects of her ADD, remember that the good things about her are there are for the same reason that many of the bad ones are.

Never forget to take your turn.

As the NAP, chances are that you will often feel that you're "taking care" of your partner, in much the same way that partners of people with physical disabilities do. Always be proud of yourself for this, and for the fact that you love your ALO enough to have patience and to help her get a handle on her issues for both of your sakes.

But also, don't forget that your ALO has a responsibility to you. Tell her how it's important that she take care of you sometimes, teach her how to do this, and don't be afraid to tell her when you need this kind of treatment. She will most likely respond with enthusiasm.