Adult Children Living at Home: Setting Boundaries

In some cultures, children are expected to stay at home with their parents until they get married and nothing is mentioned about them moving out. The the extra help that the adult children are able to render may involve caring for elderly grandparents who have moved into the family home, or looking after a sick or infirm parent. In such cases, it is necessary for children to stay at home and provide this level of support, as paying for a care-giver to come into the home and help out would not prove to be cost effective. In return, the child maintains their position in the home and may have a reduced or even non-existent amount to pay to their parents. This benefits all persons concerned. Does the parent/child relationship change when the child has reached 18?

A lot of 18 year olds are still undergoing a period of self adjustment and change in their lives. They will hopefully now be high school graduates with a job or further education in view. As a parent, you obviously want the best for your son or daughter, but at the same time you want them to start taking adult responsibility for their own lives. You cannot and will not always be around to support them. The first thing you as a parent should realize is that you are still the boss and the rules that applied in your home up until your child turned 18 should still apply. Your adult child should therefore know that they should respect the rules of the house and abide by them. For example, it is not o.k. to invite all their friends round for an all night party and they cannot engage in underage drinking in your home. The sooner they realize that you are serious, the sooner they will see that they cannot take your home and your rules for granted. This is what my parents told me and it still sticks in my mind: Abide by our rules in our home. You can do what you like in your own home. Your adult child is still living in your home, so do not be afraid to voice your opinions and see that your wishes are carried out. It is your right to set these rules and see that they are respected. Once your child leaves your home, you will no longer have any jurisdiction over them and you will not be able to tell them how they live in their own home. It will be up to them to either maintain the rules you instilled in them as a child, or else, make up their own rules and regulations.

Adult children may have chosen to stay at home after finishing school because they found a job nearby and it was practical to stay close by while they saved up for a deposit on an apartment or to buy a car. It is commendable that your child is now taking responsibility and thinking ahead to their future. They should also be considering the fact that even though they are still living at home, that they should start paying board and lodging. It was your legal responsibility as parents to maintain your child for the first 18 years of their lives. Now they are adults though, they need to stop viewing their parents as more than just a crutch, that will support them indefinitely and start giving them something back. One way you can do this is to make it clear that money you have given your child for luxuries is a loan, that will need to be paid back. Parents do not need to turn into dictators and start forcibly withholding part of their child's wages each week or month. It would be beneficial to sit down as a family and work out a good compromise that will suit everyone involved and not leave your child destitute because they are busy paying for their board and lodging. At the same time, parents must feel happy with the arrangement. After all, they want their child to learn important money management skills, so that when they enter the "real world" they will be fully equipped to deal with their finances and budgeting issues. They also wish to be compensated for what they are now spending so that they do not feel as if their adult child is taking advantage of them.

It is up to parents to decide whether or not they will continue to do their child's laundry and cooking for them. I believe that in the long run it is best to gradually do less and less for children as they get older, starting well before they reach 18 years of age. It would be unfair and hard for an 18 year old to be suddenly left with laundry and cooking to do when they have never been taught how to do this! How will they cope when they find their own apartment or house and they are faced with a daunting set of new tasks that they must perform to survive? My advice is to gently ease them into their adult responsibilities by giving them lessons and then letting them try for themselves. If they complain, remind them of their oft repeated teenage wish to be treated more as an adult and the agreement you reached when they stayed on at home.

Some children have a set goal of staying on at home until they can afford to move out and then promptly do so. Others are not in such a hurry to move out. Make sure everyone concerned is happy with the arrangements. Accepting your adult child's decision to stay at home should not present you or your child with any hardship or stress. It can work out if everyone agrees with what is expected. Parents must also realize that their adult child is just that: an adult. So do you really need to be nagging them about the dirty socks they left lying on their bedroom floor or the fact that they need to be in bed by 10:30pm? Treat your child with the same dignity and respect that you would accord any other person and they will start to show you the same courtesy. Having your adult child stay at home can be a rewarding experience. They can have the security of knowing their parents are still supporting them emotionally, while parents can help to fully train their child for the day they decide to fly the nest.

Parents are often overwhelmed by feelings of emptiness and loneliness when their adult children make the transition from home to their new apartment. They may feel surprised that after gently encouraging their child to stand on their own two feet they now wish they were back home again where they could take care of them. This is a natural feeling and in time it will subside. Remember how you felt when you brought your child home from the hospital? To begin with, it was just you and your spouse. Then all of a sudden two became three. The transition period was soon over with and you settled down to your new role as parents. It is the same now. You will gradually learn to deal with the feelings of loneliness. Avoid the temptation of bombarding your child with phone calls and unexpected visits. Let them move into their new home, help them to do so if they want you to and then take few steps back and wait for them to contact you. Fill the void by remembering that you and your spouse can now do a lot of the things you have wanted to do for years, but have not yet had the chance to do. Learn to re-connect with your spouse and spend time taking up that hobby you had been putting off for years because your child had been your priority at the time. You may even find out new things about your spouse that you didn't know before! Start exploring and travel to places you have been hoping to get round to seeing some day. Above all, know that your child had to grow up sometime and that they are now building an independent life for themselves. Isn't that what you want for them?