Adult Tails!

I worked for over eighteen years as a clerk in a suburban Philadelphia video store. In the early 1980s, when video stores were the new thing and the novelty of being able to rent pornography on VHS was all the rage, the majority of customers renting adult titles were 99% male. By the time we closed our store in 2004, it was not surprising to see a female or two browsing the shelves in the "back room"! But in the early days, you would never see female customers surveying the shelves in the "porn section". Except that is for one brave soul. "Grandma' Porn!", as she was known to the staff was a sweet, gentle old lady in her eighties who would often rent adult, and soft adult titles on a regular basis. Her favorite were films with the words "teenage" or "cheerleader" in the title. She would march bravely into the secluded adult section often startling the male customers who would almost always exit upon her arrival. I never quite knew for sure if they left because they feared she would chastise them or hit on them. In any case this aging suffragette took the first brave steps in opening doors and knocking down barriers for all women who would someday know the feeling of renting porn without shame!

Being a suburban video store one might think there would be a limit to what we could carry in the form of adult movies. Well, actually we had a pretty impressive selection of what one customer once referred to as, "cinema-erotique!" Male titles, bondage, amateur, soft x, you name your fetish and we had it! That is... so I thought! One bright sunny morning (the usual time of day for porn customers to make their pilgrimage to our store) a nice Italian man in a wheelchair rented a few adult titles on VHS. As he began to leave I went ahead to open the door for him. As he rolled through I said my goodbyes, only to be asked a question from the departing man in the chair. "Younga Man!" he asked in a thick Italian accent! "Do you gotta any of the video anda' animal!" I was stunned! I think I knew what he was asking, but I played dumb and said.. "Excuse me?" "Do you got any of da' video anda' animal? I know it's illegal, but do you got ..You know, where the girls hava' sex wit' da chickens and da' goat?"... He inquired. I was speechless. After a few awkward minutes I said a simple no and went back into the store. Needless to say it was the last time I held the door for him.

Over the 18 years of my employment in video retail, I have met a lot of wonderful people, strange people, and downright bizarre people. You be the judge about this poor fellow. One day while behind the counter at the store, a man approached inquiring about a movie called "Guy-Guy". Did we have it? Was it available on VHS and where would it be on the floor. My co-workers and I looked at each other and no one spoke at first. I then tried typing the title in the computer data-base, thinking it would register with one of our "male adult" titles. No match! So I began to question the customer. "Is this an adult title? Do you know who stars in the film?" The man looked embarrassed. "Adult film?" .. he asked! "No, it's a musical with that French actor Louis Jordan!" Well, then it immediately clicked in my head. "Gigi!, the musical Gigi, is that what you want?" .. I inquired. "Yes, is that how it's pronounced? Gigi?" the man responded. Well, there you have it! I guess the subtle differences between the English and French languages can be difficult at times.

And lastly, a warning! This posting is not for the faint of heart! Everything you are about to read is absolutely true! In order to present it in the most delicate way possible, it shall be done in the form of a multiple choice question! QUESTION: What was the worst thing we ever found in the adult section at our video store? A.) A fresh pile of human feces? B.) A used condom? C.) A teenaged boy masturbating in front of the male adult section? D.) All of the above? If you answered"D.. All of the above"then you were correct. At one time or another over 15 years all of those items were found in the adult section at our store. (The teenaged boy masturbating was actually at one of our other locations, but who's counting! By the way, they say he was using a bottle of shampoo for lubrication.) I apologize for the sleaziness of this article, but as they often say ... the truth shall set you free! Read more at www.retailconfessions.com