Adventures in the Animal Kingdom

I had just turned 21, and couldn't wait to beat a hasty retreat from my parent's house. I found an apartment pretty quickly, and decided that I need a pet. Growing up I had any number of dogs, and cats at that time were just something that scratched your face, and harbored a bad disposition.

A bird seemed the perfect choice. A parrot seemed too big, while a finch was too small. I settled on the most beautiful blue parakeet. Penny came home in a little box poked full of air holes. Transferring her to the cage seemed like it would be easy enough, so I opened the large cage door, and held her little box up to it. How hard could it be? Penny had other ideas, and swiftly flew to the other side of the room.

Thankfully, my brother was visiting that day, and the two of us put our collective heads together to solve the problem. We decided that I would go to the side of the room where Penny was, and wildly wave my arms. Ralph would arm himself with a paper bag, and catch Penny in it as she flew his way. I spotted Penny in the corner, and chased her towards Ralph. I have to hand it to my brother. He leaped up and snared her in the bag on the first try.

My plan was to take the paper bag, open the cage door, Penny would fly out, and we'd all live happily ever after. The only kink in my plans was that Penny wouldn't come out. The paper bag escapade had thoroughly traumatized her, and I ended up having to cut her out of the bag. This time she meekly came out, but wouldn't even chirp for about a week. Thankfully, her trauma was soon forgotten, and she chirped like there was no tomorrow. Many days I ended her constant serenading by dropping a towel over her cage.

Not being content to leave well enough alone, I soon bought a hamster, and the requisite cage. Hamsters love that wheel to run on, but I didn't know how noisy all that running would be. After applying a clothespin to the wheel at night, I had a frustrated hamster, but the apartment was much quieter.

I guess the hamster's frustration must have reached the breaking point, as one morning I found him not in his cage. None of the bars were bent, and it seemed like the hamster had made like Houdini, and pulled a disappearing act. How would I get him back in the cage?

Deciding that this was a man's job, I rushed to the neighbor's house, and poured out my tale of woe. He picked up two catcher's mitts, locked the door, and followed me back to my apartment. After a preliminary search, we spotted the hamster in the closet, and were ready for action. I picked up a long handled broom, and my neighbor donned the catcher's mitts, and positioned himself outside the closet. As I poked the broom in the closet, the hamster came running out, right into one of the catcher's mitts. We plopped him back in the cage, and he never repeated that trick again.

I didn't have another pet until my first marriage. Frank didn't have a lot of experience with pets. He did own an iguana named Fred before he met me. Fred was a handsome iguana, and liked to snuggle under the covers at night. One night Frank brought home a date, who decided to spend the night. Things had just gotten past the talking stage, when Fred decided it was bedtime, and leaped under the covers. Needless to say, that was her last trip to Frank's house.

I had always wanted a fish tank, so Frank and I bought an aquarium, and stocked it with three different kinds of fish. We fed them according to directions, kept the aquarium clean, and did everything you're supposed to do. One fish after another died. I think some of them might have died from fright. We had a couple of cats at the time, and a very high bookcase. One of the cats would climb up on the bookcase, leap through the air, and land on the top of the fish tank, and the other cat would follow suit.

These days I prefer the stuffed variety of animals. They're fun to look at and they don't talk back.