Adventures of an Internet Newbie

I am a certified Internet addict. I spend much of my time here in Vaiden, Mississippi, glued to my computer monitor, helplessly fascinated by the sights and sounds of cyberspace. Several years ago, however, before I merged with traffic on the Information Superhighway, I was exceptionally nervous about using the Internet. The web browser loomed like a hulking, menacing creature, taunting me mercilessly about my lack of knowledge and experience.

My first adventure involved the coded world of instant communication. I had just successfully installed America Online Instant Messenger (A.I.M.), and was cautiously optimistic because my carefully planned keystrokes hadn't crashed the hard drive or accidentally started World War III. Maybe I could figure out this here confounded contraption after all?

I used the "Find A Buddy" option to locate someone with which to communicate. The whole process struck me as being like a cyber-séance.

"Is there anyone out there who wishes to speak with anyone here?" I mused as I read the profiles of various members who were already surfing the Internet at the same time I was. I found a promising profile and attempted to initiate first contact.

"Hi!" I typed in, and pressed the "Enter" key.

Suddenly, there on my screen was a sign of sentient life!

"Hi! How are you tonight?"

I was ecstatic! Here was my first opportunity to experience the joy of communicating instantly with a stranger on the other end of miles of connected computer cables! I keyed in, "Pretty good. I'm sitting here watching the snow fall. It's very strange weather for my part of Mississippi." That night, we had been having a rare, sustained snowfall, and my pickup was already halfway buried in the white stuff. Carmack, Mississippi, where we were living at the time, hardly EVER received snow.

A reply appeared almost immediately on my screen. It read, "LOL".

I am a college-educated woman with an exceptional command of the English language. English professors have said that I'm GIFTED, even, yet here on my screen was proof that I didn't know beans about the coded language used in Instant Messaging.

"LOL?" I typed back, confused.

The person on the other end was evidently a seasoned veteran of the Internet, because "LOL" was a word that I had never encountered outside of cyberspace. He typed back, "ROFL".

Okay, now I was REALLY confused. "Roffle?" I tried to pronounce the strange communication and make sense of it in my cyberlanguage-deprived mind. "Are you okay?" I typed. "You were speaking English just a few sentences ago. Now I don't understand what you're saying."

"You must be a newbie," my new friend wrote. At the point, my cyberguide proceeded to inform me that "LOL" meant "Laughing Out Loud", and that "ROFL" meant "Rolling On Floor Laughing". I was also informed that "a/s/l" meant "age/sex/location". (And I thought the guy was telling me that he spoke Arabic as a second language!) This jargon is second-nature to me NOW, after years of being an Internet junkie. Back then, I felt like a Vulcan learning to speak Clingon.

My second adventure on the Information Superhighway involved my first attempt to use e-mail. I had just opened Outlook Express.

I have a precious sister-in-law named Ruth. She is married to an intelligent, Internet-savvy gentleman by the name of Dick. I adore him.

I had written Dick's e-mail address in permanent ink on the front of my refrigerator. (Before you laugh, I'll have you know that there IS a logic to my madness. A piece of paper can get lost or destroyed, but if I lose my REFRIGERATOR, I probably have more important things to worry about, such as a recent tornado.)

I clicked "Compose" and fired off a short e-mail to Dick, telling him that we had just acquired Internet access. I also requested that he reply to my e-mail, so I would know whether or not I was using Outlook Express properly. With nothing but instinct to guide me, I clicked "Send". I noticed that my mouse pointer turned into a little hourglass for a second or two, but then my computer just sat there looking at me, patiently waiting for my next command. I stared back at my monitor in self-doubt, wondering whether or not my e-mail HAD made it to Dick's electronic Inbox. Maybe I should send another one just in case? I did, on the off-chance that the first e-mail was intercepted. Then I sent another, and another, and another. I was still compulsively sending off the same e-mail over and over when the phone rang in the front room.

I reluctantly unglued myself from the monitor and walked over to the end table to answer it. My husband, Tom, was right next to me.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Kitty?" a deep male voice on the other end patiently replied.

"Dick! Hi! How are you doing?" I said.

"Fine!" he replied. "I got your e-mail."

"Oh, good!" I said.
"Along with the other NINE you sent me!"

Oh, no! I hadn't realized I had sent that many! It turns out I had nothing to fear, however. Big brothers are famous for giving their baby sisters advice and instruction. Dick had me sit down in front of the computer again and patiently familiarized me with the myriad features of Outlook Express, including the "Sent Items" folder that was loaded with the ten e-mails I had sent him. Slowly, a warm ray of enlightenment began to filter through the cob-webbed recesses of my brain, and it has only become brighter as I learn one silly mistake at a time how to use the Information Superhighway! LOL!