Advertising Causes Me Therapy

Let's face it. You can't escape advertisements. Whether you are watching TV, seeing a movie, listening to the radio, or just checking your mail, all sorts of products are thrown at you from all directions. There are many different strategies that advertisers employ in order to convince you to buy their products. All of them are pretty simple, and in some cases, it's hard to believe that they even work.

Probably the most common kind of commercial is one that convinces you that your life will be significantly better if you spend your money on the product. "Buy Tide© Bleach® and never worry about stains again!" Is this ad telling me that having a box of bleach sitting in a cupboard will divert any and all future liquids from coming into contact with my clothing? Wow.

Kind of the opposite is an ad that makes you feel like your life will be worthless until you buy their product. "Drink Coca-Cola or give up on life!" Ill completely ignore the fact that this is a borderline threat, and save my life now buy buying Coke!

Who can forget an ad that shames you into doing something? Not to say that groups such as the NSPCC aren't great organizations, but have you seen their commercials? By the end of them I'm usually in such a deep depression that I can't even read the number that I'm supposed to call to help out.

One of my personal favorites is the kind that tricks you into buying a product. There are a few ways of achieving this, depending on what the medium is. In a magazine, you might see something like this: "With DietPillz, you can finally lose weight...in your sleep!" The average reader will ignore any and all fine print to the right of the product description. But what if it says, "WARNING: ALSO CAUSES IMMEDIATE DEATH. OFFER IS VOID IN THE WHOLE WORLD, EXCEPT ANTARCTICA. DIETPILLZ DO NOT ACTUALLY WORK"?

And finally, is the one that should be the least effective, but has a huge impact nonetheless. When a product has absolutely nothing going for it (when you can't make people feel worthless without it, convince people they need it, depress people into buying it, and can't even sneak in a subliminal message or two) you call in a celebrity. People see Madonna using a solar-powered flashlight, and chaos ensues. Brad Pitt is caught with a bulletproof ice-cream scoop, and suddenly, everyone is worried about the mafia ruining their son's birthday party. Even if the most useless item ever is endorsed by anyone famous, it will sell.

Because people these days are so clever, some advertising companies have begun combining two of these strategies in the same ad. Get people depressed and have Eeyore co-star. Threaten people and get them with the fine print. In order to speed up the process of modernization, I have created an ad that combines all of these strategies at once. Advertising companies can feel free to use this as a template, and build off of it with some of their own ideas.

Every five times you blink, someone dies.

And if you have never bought PRODUCT, then it is your fault. That's right, yours. You see, the money generated by PRODUCT goes to Red Cross, OXFAM, AIDS research, cancer research, the NSPCC (National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children), the NSPCA (National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals), the NSPCP (National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Plants), NASA, Hurricane Katrina, and saving the rainforest...to name just a few. People are dying. But you can help. And you won't be the first either. Other people who have purchased PRODUCT include Angelina Jolie, Matt Damon, 50 Cent, Tim McGraw, Marilyn Manson, Christina Aguilera, Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, George W. Bush, and Homer Simpson...again, to name just a few. Plus, PRODUCT is a great way to revolutionize your life today. Seriously. You are nothing without PRODUCT. Please, think of the children. Did we mention that PRODUCT gives you the ability to FLY?