Advice on Being a Good House Guest

While there are many obvious secrets to being a good houseguest, such as picking up after yourself, there are also many less obvious tricks that can make your visit more pleasant for everyone. Please also keep in mind that these tips on being a houseguest, while useful to anyone are especially geared towards New York City and anywhere space might be at a premium.

Make sure you and your host discuss your needs and the hosts needs prior to arrival. This includes hard and fast things like awareness of severe food allergies or awareness of requirements for food brought into the home (kosher, halal, vegetarian, etc.) to things like whether either of you tends to take naps, if you're morning people or night people and most of all what your requirements are for downtime.

Houseguests, remember that being a host is difficult. No matter how much we like you, making sure you have a good time and that we remain gracious in the face of both the regular stresses of our lives and having a guest can be difficult. Sometimes we will need to retreat to our rooms/computers/studies etc. It's not personal! Hosts should do their best to be clear about this, "I'm going to go read for a little while to recharge. I'll see you in an hour," or something similar works well. Houseguests, take the hint and don't follow.

Houseguests should also try to make plans independent of their hosts. As hosts we're happy to give you travel directions and advice and even suggestions for where to go, but even my planning just one activity that doesn't involve us, you help reassure your host that he or she is not entirely responsible for your happiness. It makes it easier for us all.

All sane people know that a good houseguest tries to be helpful, but may I caution all houseguests against trying to be too helpful? Our kitchens may be too small for you to help us cook dinner, or we may have habits and routines that are easier completed if you don't participate in. Similarly, constant offers of non-necessary assistance cn be more exhausting than the lack of any assistance at all. Do make some offers of assistance, but also be careful of being overly solicitous. It's weirdly stressful.

Discuss your plans for your departure early in your trip. If you need your host to get you to the airport, this may require advance planning. Everyone wants the goodbye moment to be pleasant, so it works best without surprises. It is also advisable to allow the host to talk about next time you visit. As a guest, it's presumptuous to assume you will be staying with your host again -- not because of how well you do and don't get along, but because the host's situation may change. Also inviting yourself to someone else's house just isn't done.

Be careful of your expectations: just because your host is general, does not mean you should expect them to be generous (just because they pick up dinner one night, doesn't mean it's appropriate to worry loudly about money the next night when they don't cover your meal. If you have a real concern about finances, raise it privately and tactfully. Your host, as your friend, will try to help, but they need to understand the situation and not feel as if they are being taken for granted or are expected to solve your problems.

Similarly, remember that not everyone lives the way you do. If there's an issue you forgot to discuss with your host prior to your arrival, certainly do bring it up if it seriously affects your comfort, but try not to be judgmental about it. There is a difference between saying, "because of my beliefs I'd prefer that you don't drink around me," to your host and "I find alcohol consumption to be immoral." One sentence states your needs and the importance of them. The other merely judges.When it's all over the host and houseguest should remember that there's always a little bit of stress when these visits are all over and that's okay. Nothing is ever perfect. That's real life. These things fade, and it's all just information to make the next trip even better.