Advice to Divorced Mothers: Things You Should Never Say to Your Children About Their Father

Candace was 45 years old when she finally found it in her heart to forgive her biological father for his minimal involvement in her life. She was only five years old when her parents divorced and within two years, her father was remarried with new baby on the way. "I guess he loves his new family better," Candace's mother would often state after the baby was born - always quick to point out to Candace that her father did more for his infant son than he had ever done for her.

Candace grew up feeling rejected and unlovable and possessed a genuine distrust toward men. After a string of unhealthy relationships and three divorces of her own, she sought the help of a therapist. It was then that she slowly began to understand that she would have to forgive her father and erase the negative messages that played over and over in her head before she could begin to make wiser choices in the area of romance. She would also have to dissociate from her mother's negativity and define her own reality.

Candace's experience is not a unique one. Many children of divorce grow up believing that their father never loved them or had an interest in being a part of their lives. In cases of divorce, however, things are often not that black or white.

If you are a divorced mother raising children from a prior marriage, you should always think of your children's emotional and psychological well-being before saying anything negative about their father. HelpGuide.org offers the following advice:

"Disagreements are bound to arise when dealing with your ex. If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle, and frustrated about his or her inability to put the children first, try to step back and remember the big picture."

Below are some statements that you should never utter to your children about their father, even if you believe them to be true:

"Your father ran out on us."

"Your father is a dog."

"Your father never loved you."

"Your father loves his new family better."

"Your father is never there for you so I have to be the mother and the father."

"Your father was just a sperm donor."

If you need to vent, find a trusted adult to confide in rather than your child. KidsHealth suggests:

"Getting needed emotional support and being able to air your feelings and thoughts with an adult will lessen the possibility of your child shouldering the unfair burden of your emotional concerns. Confidants may include trusted friends or family members or a therapist."

You may be 100% convinced that your children's father is a loser and deserves to be raked through the mud. You may also feel that it is important not to shield your children from the harsh realities of life. However, it is important for you to give your children the time and space to formulate their own opinions about their father and determine what kind of relationship they want to have with him. Rather than focusing on what you believe their father isn't or what he hasn't done, work to provide a home in which they feel loved and cared for. Work to resolve your own feelings of bitterness and resentment toward your ex, even if he has been less than a stellar dad. You will be teaching your children a wonderful lesson on forgiveness and setting a powerful example of inner strength.

Sources:

Children and Divorce. HelpGuide.org.

Helping Your Child through a Divorce. KidsHealth.