Advice for New Fathers

As you may have seen on my profile, I am the proud father of two beautiful children. My family is the most important thing in my life. They bring me endless amounts of joy, laughter, and satisfaction. That is not to say that my kids don't drive me crazy, they do. That's their nature. They can't help it. Children are, at heart, anarchists bent on the eventual destruction of any semblance of peace in your home. I think mine are in league with the dogs and the cat. I should out that we actually have two cats, but one is too old and too cranky to want any sort of involvement with anything except food, clawing at my armpits while I'm trying to sleep and howling in the middle of the night because she forgot how to get out of the closet.

So, as a concerned parent and someone who has been there at three in the morning wondering what to do with a screaming child, I would like to offer some basic pointers to any new fathers out there. Before I begin, I think that I should establish my credentials as a person who knows what he is talking about. I am by no means an expert, but I've picked some stuff along the way.

I have two children, as I have said. My daughter is five years old going on twenty-five. She is sweet, funny, too smart for her own good, and a future litigator. My daughter loves to negotiate almost as much as she likes to plan everyone's day for them. "At 8:30 I would like to have some ice cream." She is always very specific about at which time she would like to do things. When my wife or I point out that 8:30 in the morning is much too early for ice cream, our daughter sees this as an opportunity to negotiate. The negotiations always begin with asking if she can have some real food and then the ice cream. When that fails, she asks when she can have some ice cream. She knows the answer is after dinner, but that doesn't stop her from asking. And she wants a specific time. This is where the tantrum usually begins. Our little girl turns into a loud, demanding crazy person who wants nothing more than to have some ice cream and she wants it now. There is no reasoning with her and there is no changing her mind. When this happens, my wife and I slowly count to ten and plunge into battle. Granted, our daughter is only five and logic is not always a four year old's strong suit, but it is frustrating none the less. I love her dearly, but these are the times I wonder if it would be wrong to send her to a convent.

Our son is two and is our little ball of sunshine. The only time he really gets cranky is when his teeth hurt, he's over-tired, or his sister has taken something from him. Usually a toy that she didn't care about until he started playing with it. Again, she's five and that's how they roll. Our son is well on his way to becoming a stunt man or demolition expert. That boy loves nothing more than putting a blanket over his head and charging around the house at full speed. He is also the master of disaster. It takes me and my wife a good twenty minutes to put away all the toys at the end of the night and it takes Destructor five minutes to spread them all over the house. They are usually placed strategically for maximum trippage. I'm sure the cat put him up to it.

So, here are my Does and Don'ts for handling small children.

Don't swing them by the ankles. They don't like that.

Don't shake them after feeding and then hold them over your face. They don't like that. Partially digested milk or baby food is not pleasant.

Don't let them run your life. You're the adult. Act like it. Children are smarter than most people are willing to give them credit for and they will find chinks in your armor.

Do love them unconditionally.

Do tickle them, snuggle with them, give them hugs and kisses, and spend as much time as you can with them every day.

Do invest in child proof locks for all of your cabinets. Children will find the noisiest pots and pans to bang on the floor. Usually when you are on the edge of a migraine or trying to do your taxes.

Don't let them spend too much time alone with the cat. It will give them ideas.

Do spoil them with toys. Make sure this is only when they have behaved themselves. You don't want to reward them for bad behavior.

Do try to get them to try new things. Children are creatures of habit and it is up to you to help them discover new experiences. Be reasonable, of course, as no four year old is going to enjoy bungee jumping.

Do protect them from the boogeyman.

Don't introduce them to the concept of the boogeyman.

Do teach them how to act like a civilized human being.

Do resist the urge to teach them fun phrases for use in public just for your own entertainment. They'll come up with those on their own. Our daughter loves to say "Dog barf" in a Long Island accent to any stranger than will listen.

Do love them, protect them, laugh with them, and play with them as much as you can.

This seems a simple list, but as my wife and I walk around with our kids, we do run across quite a few children who are more than content to behave like enraged baboons on crack while their parents ignore them. If you are a parent of one of those kids and you are reading this, my advice to you is simple. Hang up the phone and do something about your kids. Try paying a little more attention to them and stop treating them like an accessory. This is a child, not a handbag.