Advice for How to Help A Rape Victim

Rape is more than an assault on the body. It is an assault on the soul, usually accompanied by fear and guilt. Date rape, if anything, is even more devastating because it comes from a person that has been trusted. To the confused feelings of hurt, terror, guilt, and the loss of self-worth is added the feeling that judgment cannot be relied upon and who knows when a friend might turn out to be a monster who will assault or rape at will.

Several years ago, late one night, we got a phone call. "Hello. Hello." What was going on? The person on the other end of the phone seemed to be struggling for words. Then it came. The strangled words that would change our lives. A young woman who'd gone away to college with high hopes and excitement had been raped homecoming weekend. One friend, now on the way home from visiting during the weekend, hardly knew what to do or say.

The news twisted something inside me. I hurt for the young woman. I hurt for her family who'd sent her away to college a long way from home. I had ties of close friendship, I felt sick. I began to pray.

The police took the young woman's statement. She was checked out medically. But there was a problem and that problem assaulted her with guilt. She'd been friends with the young man in a relationship that seemed to be heading into something more. But when he got her into her room on some pretext, he went too far. She said, "No," but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He was bigger, stronger and more determined.

Another problem turned out to be the college administrators and students. The young man was a football star and many stuck up for him, especially when some of his football buddies swore he had done nothing to the young woman. Suddenly the young woman was almost alone, wallowing in guilt and questioning herself. The only one to believe her was another friend who'd come to the college with her.

Though the young woman tried to hold on, the situation of rape, fear, guilt and the added verbal and other assaults from students and an administration who refused to take her seriously (though the young man was suspended) broke her and she returned home. Some who were told what happened supported her and the family. This included our small, informal study group of Christian friends. Others turned away, adding to her feelings of guilt.

A quiet young woman was now even more quiet. In her fear and guilt, she wore over-sized clothes and kept her gaze down. Her shoulders hunched when she walked. The young woman who returned from college was a completely different young woman from the one who left with such excitement and promise. This woman broke your heart with her burden of fear and guilt. After all, as she and others involved in a date rape believe the date rape was their fault.

Rape happens to 1 in 6 women. As for date rape, 28% are raped by boyfriends or husbands. It is estimated that 60% of rapes go unreported.

As awful as rape, especially date rape, is, there are things those who care can do to help.

The rape/assault victim, especially a date rape victim, needs to be assured over and over and over that the rape/assault was not her fault. She needs to be directed away from consuming guilt to putting blame where it truly belongs-on the perpetrator.

Whatever she wore, however she may have thought she enticed, where she allowed herself to be, rape is a choice made by the perpetrator. Circumstance does not dictate behavior because humans can make choices-to do good in any given situation or to do evil. Rape/assault is the result of a choice to do evil. A rape/assault victim needs to be assured that she is responsible only for her actions, not for the actions or decisions or behavior of others. Guilt should be what the rapist feels, not her. Being raped by a date is never ok. No is no.

The rape/assault victim needs to know that family, friends, support group will be there for the long-haul, will listen without judgment and extend the gift of acceptance, time and grace. An assault/rape victim doesn't need to hear, "It's time to get over this already, time to move on."

An assault/rape victim, especially a date rape victim, already wallowing in guilt and self-blame, doesn't need to hear, "But you were drinking." or "Why did you go there with him?" or any other accusatory statements. The rape/assault victim already knows those things, all of which leads to guilt and a further erosion of self-worth. Instead, the assault/rape victim needs to be redirected into encouragement for positive steps already taken, and focus on the strength she has shown-not the weaknesses.

The rape/assault victim needs time, needs professional counseling to deal with the rape fallout such as guilt. She may need medical treatment. The rape victim also needs an informal support group to reach out beyond the hurt and anger, a support group that recognizes the anger isn't directed at them.

While it may make those seeking to comfort feel better, a rape/assault victim may withdraw from sudden shows of affection such as a hug. Do not hug or touch an assault/rape victim without permission. The individual already feels violated. Don't add to that feeling either by unwanted expressions of touch or by eliciting gory details.

Do not let the rape/assault victim hole up alone for days on end. Often the rape/assault victim will withdraw from the world, from friends, even stop eating or caring for themselves. Something in them tells them that if they make themselves as unrepresentable as possible, no one will hurt them again. What they are really doing is turning their pain inward and destroying themselves.

In this case, friends with tough hides but loving hearts need to intervene, to show up, bring food maybe, listen, even encourage some time doing something fun (and safe) to help the rape/assault victim know there is life beyond the pain. And keep intervening, but with sensitivity. A rape/assault victim doesn't need to cover up the pain, guilt and hurt with activities. A nudge is better than a full blown assault.

Most of be a patient friend.

While many never find the justice they deserve. Years after the date rape, the young woman had closure with the apology from a college administrator who also informed her that after she left college, thanks in part to her courage, other young women came forward with similar stories. Turned out, the rapist had paid some of his football buddies to lie for him. The young man ended up doing something similar at another college, was caught, tried and convicted. The young man netted prison time..

The information could not bring back what the young woman lost, but it took a burden from her shoulders. She left the building with an expression of --peace.

Rape, date rape, assault of any kind, brings horrendous feelings of worthlessness, pain and guilt. We can help by being real, listening and being there-no matter what.

Some books that might help:
Non-fiction
Sexual Assault: Will I Ever Feel OK Again? By Kay Scott
Comforting Women in CrisisCompilation by Group Publishing

Fiction:
The Atonement Child By Francine Rivers
Beyond Fear By Carolyn R Scheidies