Advice for High Schoolers Dealing with Shyness

When you were shy as a baby, grown ups thought it is was very cute. You hid behind your mom's leg or looked at the floor when people spoke to you, but now that you are older, the shyness is not so cute anymore. Your parents nag you to be more social. They wonder why you don't participate more in the classroom. They hint about you getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. They ask why you don't have more friends.

It doesn't matter how good looking you are or how smart you are, if you are shy than your teen years can be lonely. You may have had lots of boyfriends or girlfriends in middle school because you didn't really have to talk to them outside the comfort of school but now that you are in high school, you realize that by dating, you are expected to go to movies and parties with your date. You will have to hold a conversation and even kiss and hold hands with your date. These thoughts can literally scare you into become a recluse in your own home. I bet you have one or two friends that you absolutely feel comfortable with and when you are with these friends, you are funny, amusing and silly. You need to know that you can be that kind of person no matter who is around. There are very few people that are as comfortable around strangers as they are around close friends. Most people have some degree of shyness in them. You are not alone. People are human and they expect other people to be silly sometimes, to mess up, to stumble their words, to trip up, to forget what they were saying, etc. Most people don't judge you that easily. If they do, than you're better off without them anyway. They are probably hiding from their own insecurities in an ugly mean way and they have to figure that out for themselves. Don't let them get to you. You are more normal than they are.

Here are some misconceptions you might be feeling and the truth about them:

You are supersensitive to others reactions to you:
You over scrutinize an upturned eyebrow, a look that comes over someone's face, what you perceive as a look of disapproval or ridicule. You think someone is judging you or inwardly making fun of you.

The truth: the upturned eyebrow may be interest. You might have just imaged the look or maybe there was a look but the look was actually a fleeting thought in their mind about something totally different then what you were talking about. They might be a little shy themselves and the look was anxiety. Maybe it was as simple as a pain that passed over them. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt pain or gas and you couldn't say anything? I'm sure the discomfort showed on your face but it had absolutely nothing to do with anyone around you.

What might help: Keep in mind that these are your peers. They have their own insecurities and anxieties. They may be shy too and are having trouble staying in the conversation. What you are seeing is probably not in anyway a reflection of you. Don't assume the worst. Realize that what you have to say or offer is interesting.

No one notices you:
You think people ignore you or don't invite you to hang out or go to parties.

The truth: If you're honest with yourself, than you probably see where you have actually distanced yourself from others. When people say hi to you, you nod and barely acknowledge them. When you do go to a party or event, you stand by yourself and don't make an effort to join in. People assume you are not interested so they stop saying hi and stop inviting you.

What might help: Start greeting people in the hall. Say hi first. Look someone in the eye and simple say, "wassup?" And smile! You will be surprised at how that little bit of friendliness will open doors. Go with some of your friends to a couple of parties, even if you weren't invited. I'm sure if your friend asked if they could bring you, the answer would be yes. They probably just assumed you wouldn't want to come. When you get there, try to be friendly and add to the conversations. Again, remember these are your peers, not rocket scientists.

You believe you are a stumbling, stuttering, awkward idiot
You think everyone notices every mistake you make.

The truth: You're a teenager! Your hormones are raging. You are experiencing so many new things with your body and your mind that it's understandable that you're not Mr. Cool. Every other student in your school is going through some degree of what you're going through. Some just play it off and don't care. Some turn to alcohol or drugs. Some change personalities completely and are hardly recognizable. I'm sure you know some people like I have described.

What might help: Again - remember you're not alone. Everyone is experiencing the same feelings. It's just how they handle them that make them different. Pick out someone that you think is "cool." Watch them closely. Pay attention to the things they say and do. I will bet that they say dumb things and act immature and silly at times but they just blow it off and don't care. People are drawn to others that can laugh at themselves. They are confident. That is what really makes them "cool."

Remember the number one thing you can do to begin changing is adjusting your attitude. Don't think it's all about you. Others are self absorbed too and are probably not nearly as concerned about you as you think they are.

Take baby steps. Don't overwhelm yourself with feeling like you have to make changes overnight. Make one change at a time. Start with greeting people with a smile in the halls. That one thing might start opening doors.

Realize your potential. You have a lot to offer and people will want to know what you have to say. Don't worry about messing up or looking silly. No one, not even the meanest kid in school, is going to be as bad a critic on you as you are on yourself. Laugh at yourself if you screw something up. People will laugh with you and not at you.

Accept the fact that you can change. Every step you take will take you closer to being the person you want to be. Shyness can be overcome.