Advice for The Newlywed Life

Josh and I were married the summer of 2007. It was the happiest day of my life, painted with every beautiful emotion a person can have. The wedding was beautiful, but went by in a whirl. All too soon, I was driving to my new home with my new husband. There we were... husband and wife, alone for the first time. I think it may have been a more exhilarating and more terrifying moment than when I had walked down the aisle earlier.

There's so much hype around the event of the wedding, itself. You get lost in all of the invitations and flowers in the months leading up to your marriage, that you forget that at the end of that day, you'll be someone's husband or wife.

I grabbed the train of my wedding dress and slipped into the bathroom to change. I looked at my veiled and tiara-ed self in the mirror. It all sort of sunk in as I stood there. This is forever.

The week after that was lovely. We had a stay-at-home honeymoon, which really gave us a jump on adjusting to everyday life with one another. We had decided a long time ago that we would not move in together until we were married, since we're both rather old-fashioned. You can imagine all of the surprises that came with each passing day for the two of us.

First there was getting used to sharing a closet with someone. I'm a bit of a closet hog, so this was particularly difficult. I had shoes galore and liked to keep them on the floor beneath my clothes... which Josh hated. He would get up early in the morning to get ready for work and I'd hear a "Thud!" followed closely by a swear. I'd pretend to still be asleep so I would not have to hear a speech on shoe organization. Which brings me to the first lesson learned: don't put off the inevitable. Both husband and wife have to be in constant communication about life. Even when it requires hearing that you did something wrong (i.e., making a people-sized ant-hill out of shoes).

Which brings me to my next lesson -- and one that has taken two full years to get to a good point: arguments. Every couple has them, and those who say they don't are either lying or on hiatus with their spouse. Believe it or not, arguments are not something to be avoided, but rather something that should be controlled. Just like forest fires are a natural way that the earth renews itself, arguments create fertile ground for growth. I don't remember what our first "married" argument was about (because truth be told no one remembers 90% of what they argued about anyway). I do remember that I felt like a failure after. After all, it's a woman's job to create a peaceful, comfortable home, right!?

Bah!

No, it's a two-way street. Anyway, after a couple more fights about stupid things that did not end up mattering, we found that the two of us were entirely too passionate when arguing. We were both concerned that one of us would eventually say something that would cause the other to become upset or hurt. So as a preemptive strike, we came up with the "The Gong System." The rules were simple: anytime one of us felt like the argument was going too far, they would say, "Gong!" At this point the argument was put on hold until we had both cooled down. It worked on an honor system: both of us agreed to honor the gong, and not abuse it to get out of something. It ends up looking a little funny when we're in Wal-mart arguing over what size trash bags to buy and one of us (usually myself) blows it out of proportion, and the other starts going, "Gong! Gong! Gong!" But it at least snaps us out of the situation and makes us laugh.

That isn't to say that the system is perfect. There are times when the problem is not solved even with time to cool off. It's on these occasions that you have to rely on good humor. For example, one night Josh and I got into another argument (I swear it's not as often as I'm making it sound!), and I being the stubborn one went to our bedroom to sulk. I sat on the bed, only to be followed by Josh, who continued to prod me to talk to him. I escaped to a corner of our bedroom next to a bookshelf where I sat on the floor and pulled a book from the bottom shelf and pretended to read. He sat in front of me on the floor, his eyes fixed on me and intent on breaking my rouse. I reached over and grabbed a sweatshirt of mine off of our bed and threw it at him, telling him to go away. Instead of going away, he tied the sweatshirt on his head and scooped a pair of pants from the laundry bin and created a makeshift nun costume, feigning a prayerful look complete with folded hands. Not to be outdone, I swiped a work shirt and created a turban for myself. We ended up rolling in laundry on the floor, laughing.

Never feel like an argument is so intense or important that you can't laugh. Remember that what you argue about today, probably is not going to matter a month from now.

And the last lesson I'll include today: pick your battles. We did argue a lot more often in that first year of our marriage. I'll be totally honest and own up to being the instigator, simply because I love a good, challenging argument (though I'll never admit this to Josh who swears I pick fights because I like it). However, when you really stop and think about it, every time you pick a fight over some trivial thing, you're frustrating your significant other and making things more difficult for both of you. So put things in perspective. Before you dive in on your husband or wife, ask yourself, "Is this really something that is going to matter in a week, month, or year?" If it does, then ask yourself how to present the problem so that things don't turn into a shouting match. Make it a discussion and don't use accusing terms like "You did this" or "It wasn't my fault." No matter who did what, the two of you are in the same boat. If you're rowing in different directions, then you're going nowhere. And last, before you say anything at all, give yourself five minutes of thought and deep breathing. This will take the negative emotion out of whatever it is you're saying, and let you focus on the logic.

Above all else, remember that this person is the love of your life. Make every day, every decision, and every action reflective of the love you have for one another.