Advice on Overcoming Shyness

If you are shy, you understand how it affects your personal and professional life. It's a trait that makes networking virtually impossible and limits your comfort zone of job choices down to a sparse few. It crushes your personal life and can leave you lonely and depressed. Shyness is frustrating and aggravating. It's completely unfair that the world seems to be run by a bunch of crazy extroverts and that if you want to play ball you are going to have to learn to overcome your introverted inclinations. However, the process, no matter how you go about it, seems too painful to bear. So the first step on your journey to overcoming shyness is to learn not to fear pain.

"It's natural to feel fear in regards to pain", you might think. You are right, so you will need to learn to fear the pain associated with social interaction less. You must come to a point where you realize that although socializing is painful, it won't kill you, maim you, or leave you permanently scarred unless you let it. There's going to be some really awkward moments when you first try to be social. Chances are the reason you are shy in the first place is because you are awkward, or at least you feel that way with other people. You think they won't like you and that you'll be humiliated and rejected. If it's any consolation, know that for a stranger to actively reject and humiliate you intentionally is incredibly rare. They don't know enough about you yet to have reason to hate you. Only a few, very troubled people, would intentionally try to harm someone they don't know. Try to remember that although you may interpret their behavior to say they dislike you, there's a good chance you are misinterpreting. Maybe they've had a bad day and that's why they seem so sulky. Maybe they just don't know that they are coming off as ill tempered. There are some people that appear angry even when they aren't.

Okay, so you are very awkward socially. What is the fix for this? Learn that it is okay to be awkward. Like all things, you will be awkward for awhile until you get the hang of it. Most people are paying so much attention to themselves that they don't care that you are being awkward. Those that do notice might even find your awkwardness cute. Don't worry, as you practice socializing, it'll become easier and your instances of awkwardness should go away. You have to fail a certain number of times before you can succeed at anything.

Like everything else, overcoming shyness takes practice. So as much as you may hate it, you need to seek out social events and go to them. This doesn't mean you have to go to parties. A lot of introverts can't stand parties. I know the thought of being in a room filled with a thousand strangers, squashed into a space meant to accommodate about half that number, with music so loud I can't speak or hear myself think is not a thrilling idea. Such events aren't for everyone. There are other ways to socialize. Say hi to your neighbors when you pass them. Try to find a club or a small group that meets about a topic you like. If you don't know of any or how to find them, there are websites that do this. Meetup.com is one. You can enter in your zip code and find groups that meet on a variety of topics. If there isn't a group to your liking you can make one on the website for a small fee. If you don't want to expend money you can go on craigslist.com and suggest an activity or meet up on one their message boards.

There's no way around the nervousness you feel about attending a social activity. Just remember that most people are friendly. They are not out to get you and, no matter who you are, they will probably find you interesting. Those that react badly probably aren't reacting to you. Most likely there is something else going on with them. There's an article by John Wesley (not to be confused with the theologian) that states this idea best. He says "It took [him] a long time to realize how self centered people are. The way someone reacts to something you say usually has nothing to do with you-it's more likely a reflection of the mood they're in or a recent event in their life."

You may think, "but I don't know how to act around people". This is why you need to participate in social situations. You need to watch other people and see what they do. You can learn from example. You can start small or you can try to desensitize yourself by a trial by fire method. Join an acting class. I know, this is probably the last thing you want to do, but an acting class has many benefits. In order to act you have to learn to watch people and interpret them and the meaning of what they do. So in essence, you are learning some things about socializing through learning the trade. Another huge advantage is that actors are typically incredibly extroverted. They will talk to you whether you give them invitation to or not. If you can get yourself to talk back you have probably just made a friend. Most actors are incredibly friendly. You will meet the occasional drama queen or snob, but you don't really want to be friends with these people anyway.

It was the friendship that kept me in my first acting class. The first monologue I was forced to do, I froze onstage until the teacher told me that I could leave the classroom for awhile to regroup myself. I went outside, proceeded to beat myself emotionally and cried for probably fifteen minutes. Then I went back in and did the monologue. It actually didn't come out too bad. The other advantage to this self torture is that if you can suffer through something as terrifying as standing on stage and actually acting, then a little small talk with your neighbor should be a breeze in comparison. You've already faced your worse fear and conquered it. It might take a few tries, but don't give up.

In the end, learn that it's okay to feel afraid and awkward about socializing. Even after practicing for a long time that fear will never leave completely. Life is sadly not a movie. You do not conquer shyness once and then never feel it again. However, conquering your fears once will allow you to know that they can be conquered and soon you will control the fear, rather than it controlling you. Know that socializing is good for you and practice. We are by instinct a social species and by letting your shyness have control you are hurting yourself by defying that instinct. Overcome the fear and reach out. Most people are afraid too, and they want you to reach out to them as much you want them to reach out to you.

John Wesley "Overcoming Shyness" http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/overcoming-shyness/