Advice for Relatives of Prisoners

One of my brothers has spent most of his adult life in prison, and he may not ever be a "free man." Another brother committed a horrific crime 30 years ago that rocked my tiny community and subsequently caused him to take his own life in jail. Believe me, I know what it's like to have a loved one in prison, and my advice for relatives of prisoners definitely comes from learning a few things the hard way.

One of the things all relatives of prisoners feel is intense shame and guilt. We relatives of prisoners often deal with those awful feelings by keeping our mouths firmly clamped shut. We often don't even discuss it with other family members who are going through the same thing, perhaps in a futile attempt to make it all go away.

We put that big box of hurt and shame up in the attic, and we hope and pray that no one will want to look into it. But of course, it's human nature for people not related to a prisoner to gossip. I suppose in some way it makes them feel better, because they are glad it isn't them or their relative that's imprisoned. It wasn't my fault that my brothers did what they did, but that doesn't mean others won't judge me harshly because of it. They can and they do. That will never end, so it is something that I, like other relatives of prisoners, have to deal with.

The number one piece of advice I have for relatives of prisoners is to know that you are not alone. It may feel like you are all alone with your emotional pain. It may feel like no one else could possibly understand what you're going through, but it isn't true.

You may feel alone precisely because most people in your situation never talk about it. I spent twenty-five years in self-imposed silence about my brothers crimes. I married a man I barely knew so I could get a new last name, and I didn't tell a soul about my brother. Eventually the silence became too much to bear, and I decided not to hide from the emotional pain of my past any longer.

Opening up to others has been the most healing thing I've ever done, better than I could have imagined. Yes, some still judge me but many others are more compassionate than I thought the human race could be. If you have a loved one in prison, you are most certainly NOT alone. Find others like you, who you can share your feelings with. Together, you can help each other deal with the emotional pain, sadness and disappointment that comes with having a loved one in prison.

Don't ask your imprisoned relative why they did what they did. There's a very good chance they don't even know why. Even if they do, discussing it with you isn't going to serve any purpose or change the past. It is what it is, and now they are paying for it with their incarceration.

Don't be like my father who pretends that his imprisoned son does not exist. My brother and prisoners like him, already feel enough guilt and shame over their incredibly bad choices. When you add to that a parent who refuses to love them in spite of their actions, it damages them in a way that can never, ever be undone. Regardless of what they might have done, prisoners are still human beings who feel, and the emotional pain of abandonment is one of the worst imaginable.

If you have a loved one in prison, it's imperative to find a supportive outlet for coping with your grief, because it won't ever go away. It will become lighter and more bearable, but it will always be there. Decades later, I still feel the pain of my brothers' crimes. But it's something I have learned to deal with, simply because I must.